The GRAPHICS' FUNNY LEAF

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XX, Issue XIX, 7 May 1898, Page 592

The GRAPHICS' FUNNY LEAF

IN BUSINESS. Family Man : ‘ You will pardon me for mentioning it, but it appears to me you put rather 100 much salt in your butter.’ Dealer: ‘Oh, you are entirely excusable ; you don’t understand the butter business. Salt is cheap, ami it weighs.’ BROKE THE RULE. • This oolite, my dear,’ said Kick les, ‘ reminds me of what mother used to make.' ‘Does it really?’ exclaimed his wife, a pleased look coming into her face. ‘ Yes ; and she used to make about the worse coffee 1 ever drank.’ LINGERING DELIGHT. • Stickenlooper gets his money’s worth whenever he buys a newspaper.' ‘ In what way ?* ‘ He can read any joke four times l>efore he sees the point.' SHE’D STAND IT. Do you think a woman could stand the wear ami tear of l>eing Premier of the colony ? Of course; if she had all she wanteO to wear she wouldn’t care anything about the tear. DONE BROWN. A certain Dr. Brown courted a lady unsuccessfully for many years, and drank her health every day. On being observed to omit the custom, a gentleman said : ‘ Come, doctor, your old toast.' • F..x<use me,’ he replied: 4 as 1 can't make her Brown, I'll toast her no longer.' RATHER. First Friend : ‘Do von have a good police protection out your way?' Second Friend : ‘ Do we ? Well, I should say so. We have the prettiest servant girl in the town.’ AN AWFUL MOMENT. ‘ The mask is torn off thy face !’ she cried with all the vehemence of the woman scorned, ‘and the cloven hoof is revealed !’ I’he unworthy lover cowered back. ‘ That,'he muttered, ‘for he was not unconscious of his deficiencies, ‘ doubtless arises from the fact that I cannot open my mouth without putting my foot in it. PROOF POSITIVE. • Do yon really think the young fellow who wants to marry Janie is a bona title Klondiker ?’ • 1 guess he is. He's short an ear ami three toes, and has a frost-bitten chin.' A NEW READING. • Boys.’ said the school teacher, ‘ who can tell me George Washington’s motto ?’ Several hands went up. ‘ Philip Perkasie, you may tell.' ‘ When in doubt, tell the truth.'

A GAY YOUTH. ‘ Poor Waggs ! He was a most genial soul.’ ‘ Yes, indeed lie was. The only thing he ever took seriously was the cold that carried him off.’ HE HAS GOOD POINTS. ‘ Wagner is not so had, after all. ‘ Why r ■ They say he has never written anything that can lx; whistled.’ A EEARFUL TEST. That was a terrible test of sincerity,’ said Dawson. ‘Mrs Barlier showed her daughter’s gradnation essay to the editor of the “ Clarion" al the seaside. He said it was wonderfully clever, and then, when he’ll gone back to work, she sent it to the “ Clarion ” for publication. RETRIBUTION. Daughter ; Our iceman is dead, papa. Father : What an awful change it will lie for him. BETTER DAYS. Cawker : Barlow made a rash prediction just now. Cumso : What did he say ? Cawker: He said that the time would come when it would lie resjxictable to be honest.’

LUCKY MAN. Trivvet: ‘The jury in Miss Keswick’s breach of promise case against Hilow gave I wo thousand pounds damages.’ Dicer — 'That’s money in Hilow’s pocket. If he had married her she would have cost him more than that in three years. ’ AN IRRESISTIBLE: INDUCEMENT. Customer : ‘ What is the price of this goods ?’ Clerk : ‘ That is three and elevenpence halfpenny a yard, madam.’ Customer : ‘ Oh, that is much too dear.’ Clerk: ‘But it is reduced from four shillings.’ Customer: ‘ls that so? I’ll take ten yards.’ MORE SATISFACTORY. Guest : ‘ Waiter, bring two boiled eggs.' Waiter: ‘Sir, could n’t you take these eggs poached ? Hit's Wen found mo’ satisfactory all roun' to open them eggs in the kitchen.' GOING TOO FAR. ‘ And so you are married?’ said Mrs Keedick to her niece from the west. ‘ Yes, auntie.’ • Joined for life, eh?' - Oh, its hardly that bail. I’m a Chicago girl, you know.’ SAFE FROM FORTUNE-HUNTERS. Prinm ; ‘Of one thing I am sure. No man will ever marry me for my fortune.’ Seeunda : ‘No. In your case your face is your fortune.’ A DEFINITION. Little'Ellmer : Pa, what is an optimist ? Professor Broadhead : A person who is constantlyexpecting the unexpected to happen.’

IN DAKOTA. Visitor: Are there many Eastern |xsiq>le here to procure divorces ? Resident: Oh, yes! The bonds of matrimony are away below par. EVERYTHING BUT THAT. Shop Walker: She complains that you didn't show her common civility. Shop Girl : I showed her every thing in my' department, sir. AN INDICATION. ‘ I guess Pennington is going to quit Wing an author.’ ‘Why?’ ‘ I heard him praise another writer yesterday.’ A NEW ORDER. Uncle Frank. —Well, Willie, what did you see at the circus to-dav ? Willie (who was especially pleased with the Shetland ponies).—Lots and lots of things: but the Wst were the condensed horses. the: ART OF CONVERSATION. • Tell me,’ pleaded the artless maid ‘ wherein lies the secret of the art of conversation ?’ The sage assumed the attitude he was wont to assume when in the act of imparting wisdom, and said, ‘ My child, listen '.’ ■ I am listening,’ breathlessly she answered. • Well, my child,’ he rejoined, ‘ that is all there is of the art of conversing agreeably.’ HEART DELUSIONS. • How can a man tell when he is really in love ? • Well - a man is really in love when he thinks he doesn’t eat or sleep.' WHICH? Mr Youngbud : ‘ Why so pensive, dear?’ Mrs Youngbud: ‘I was just trying to decide, lovey, which 1 would like you to rescue first in a shipwreck, me or my dear little E’ido.” COMMON ENOUGH. First E’riend : ‘So he married in haste ! Did he repent at leisure ?’ Second E’riend: ‘No; he repented in haste, too ’

HE RAVED OVER IT. The Milliner: “ What did your husband think of that Iti hat I made for you last week ?’ Mrs Heightty : ‘ Oh, he just raved over it when I told him the price.’ THE middle: CLASS. Society is just like a pie, And clearly the likeness can lx? seen There's the upper crustand the lower crust, While the real substance lies lietween. ADVICE TO INVESTORS. A : I’m thinking of dabbling a little in stocks. What’s a good thing to put your money in! B. : Your inside pocket. A delicate: SITUATION. When we speak of a delicate situation we usually mean indelicate.

AN AGGRIEVED CLASS. ‘ I suppose,’ said Mr Frankstown, as he handed a sixpence to a tramp, ‘ that you find people more willing to give now than they were a year ago, when times were much harder ?’ ‘ Well, sir,' replied the tramp, * you will scarcely lielieve it, but the return of prosperity is very hard on us.’ ‘ How- can that lie?” ‘ They otter us work now. A year ago they didn’t.’

SINCE MAN TURNED COOK. ‘ Who knows,’ New Woman cries to-day, ■ But I was somewhat hasty When 1 foreswore the married state ? Some men can turn out tasty And tempting dishes when they try ; And matrimony’s looking Less prisonlike, I must confess, Since men have turned to cooking. ‘ Should we for single blessedness. Beloved sisters, thus band Against the solid comfort and Convenience of a husband Who’d minister to each with cups Of timely tea? Nay! E’rates. Come bake and broil for us, and watch Our lares and penates ! ‘ When from the pulpit or the bar. Or busy mart or bucket Shop, weary woman comes at night, What most uncommon luck it Would seem to find a man around Who’d keep the kettle boiling, And incidentally could keep Her temper, too, from spoiling ! ■ Oil, Man’s improving, there's no doubt, And soon he’ll put a stitch in Decadent stockings now and then. As well as mind the kitchen ! To-day, I’m more than half inclined Toward Love who’s gayly crooking His finger, beck'ning me to turn To Man who turns to cooking. TRUTH INDEED. ‘ Truth,’ remarked the observer of men and things, ‘ would not be stranger than fiction if the newspapers would print as much of it.’ HIS SERENE DARKNESS. A Washington mother who has forbidden her children to mention the name of the evil one was not able to attend church a few Sundays ago, and when her little boy, eight years old, came home after the service she asked him the subject of the sermon. He answered promptly: ‘lt was about Jesus lieing taken up into the mountains by the—by the —by the gentleman who keeps hell.’ A BIG DIFFERENCE. Ethel : I just left Miss Elderly. She says she can’t see any difference between waltzing with a man and letting a man hug you. Bessie : She would if she had ever lx?en hugged. THE ROMANCE OF’ IT. “ Tell me, George, was it my Ixjauty or goodness that won your love?’ ‘ Well, to Ixj honest, it was that currant jelly you sent mother.’ SILENT BUSINESS. Tommy : Can we play at keepiug store in here, mamma? Mamma (who has a headache) : Yes, but you must lx? very, very quiet. Tommy: All right; we’ll pretend we don’t advertise. HE WAS LUCKY. Mr Hunker : I have a speaking acquaintance with Miss Throckmorton. Mr Spatts: You are very lucky. All her other acquaintances are listening acquaintances.