The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVIII, Issue XVIII, 1 May 1897, Page 560

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

WOULD KEEP HER TOO BUSY. He : ‘ I have never kissed you, Alice. Would you cut my friendship if I stole just one ?’ She : ‘ I might be tempted to, but I was just reading about forgiving seventy times seven offendings. Goodness ' That’s 490.’ NOT AN UNUSUAL CASE. Sackman : ‘ I suppose you have heard about your neighbour Goldleaf ? He is very seriously sick as a result of overwork.’ Seeker : ‘ Don’t say ! What has he been doing to bring it about ?’ Sageman : ‘ Trying to collect his thoughts.’ HER HOLD ON OFFICE. ’ You did not let Mrs Flubdubs resign the presidency.' ‘Of course not; she is the best dressed woman in the club.’ HOW WE ALL RISE. He : ‘ You know great men always rise from small beginnings.’ She : ‘ Yes, how true ; even Napoleon was a little baby once.' UNDOUBTEDLY. An Irish witness excused his running from an opponent by saying. * It is better to be a coward for five minutes than dead for the rest of your lifetime.’ CERTAINLY. Prisoner : ‘ If Your Honor will allow me a little time I think I can prove my innocence.’ Magistrate: ‘ All right; take thirty days.’ HINTS FOR LADY CYCLISTS. Don’t trv to catch the handle-bars with your teeth. Don’t look round to see if the hind wheel is following. Don’t be surprised if the front wheel shows a disposition to turn into a yard and lie down for a rest. Alwavs fall on your right shoulder, and do not let your ear strike the ground till a few seconds later. When you lose a pedal don’t get off and go back to look for it. It’s right there on the machine, and if vou’ll feel around long enough you’ll find it again. Should you find a runaway horse on your trail keep close to the curb until he has passed. Then make a spurt and seize him by the tail, and put on the brake. Never kill a pedestrian when it can be avoided ; but when you do kill one, dismount, and say you’re sorry.

HER EXPLANATION. Jlk Grayson : ‘ You say that thia Mrs Sappington is a bad woman, and yet you invite her to your house. I'd like to know how you justify yourself ?' Mrs Grayson : ' Oh, but society hasn't found her out yet.

OUT OF PLACE. ‘ Wife : ‘ I suppose there will be a crowd at our silver wedding next week, and it might not be a bad idea to have a policeman in the house. Husband : ‘ No, my dear. It would never do to have a copper at a silver wedding. ’ FOR GOOD CAUSE. 1 Why have you decided to engage another doctor ?’ * Because old Pilkington told my wife that she needed exercise, and might ride a bicycle.’ POISONED PLEASURE. ■ Fritterby doesn’t go to the theatre any more.’ * Why not ?’ * Says he can’t stand it to sit in a half crown seat and see so many people who owe him money sitting in the dress-circle.’ OTHERS HAVE GONE. ‘ I understand,’ remarked Squildig, ‘ that Fitzsimmons wrestles with a mastiff as part of his training.’ ‘lt is quite likely,’ replied McSwilligen. ‘He is not the first prize-fighter to go to the dogs, either. ’ TOO MUCH COMPETITION. * Mrs Bowker has cured Mr Bowker of swearing.' ‘ Did she use force or moral suasion ?’ * Neither ; she bought him a parrot.’

May : ‘ Charley tells me he has never loved anyone before.’ Nelly : ‘ Excuse me for telling you, but he and I were once engaged.’ May : * Oh, I did not ask him about engagements, I only asked him about love.’ EXTORTION. The large and greasy bandit bowed low before the contessa. Opening a package, he disclosed an ear. ‘ This, miladi,’ said he, • is the ear of the worshipful count.’ • The ransom,’ said the contessa, toying with her fan, ‘ was set at 10,000 plunka ?’ • Exactly,’ said the bandit. ‘ And remains at the same figure.’ • This,’ said the lady, her bosom heaving with emotion, ‘is outrageous. It isn’t business. Asa reasonable man, you cannot expect me to pay full price for a remnant.’ A CONSIDERATE WIFE. ‘ Have I not been a considerate wife ?’ she asked, reproachfully. ‘ Considerate !’ he exclaimedbitterly, in what way ? ‘ Has there ever been a night when you were out late that I haven’t left the gas burning for you ?’ she demanded. ‘And you call that being considerate,’ he said, sarcastically. ‘Of course you have, but who pays the bills ?’ A PERFECT TREASURE. Mistress : • Where’s the breakfast tray, Mary ?’ Mary (from the country) : ‘ I dunno, mum.’ Mistress : ‘ Why, there it is under your nose.’ Mary : ‘ Whoy, yer told me larst night as how that were the tea tray.’ THE POOR POET. ‘ Does your poetry pay ?’ ■ Well, it just keeps the wolf from the door.’ ‘ I suppose you read it to him.’ ‘How is your brother getting along in ’Frisco’’ ‘Splendidly. He writes me that he is already more than $2,000 in debt.’

AS WE ALL KNOW. ‘Thkrb’s only one drawback in a big roast for dinner.’ What’s that?’ ‘ Hash for breakfast.’ NO TIME FOR FORM. * Who performed the wedding ceremony ?’ * Ah, we didn’t have time for any ceremony. Pap wasn’t more’n a mile behind.’

A GOOD BEGINNING. Fond Wife: ‘John, dear was it the First, or the Second you came home so late and tried to open the door with yonr cigar, and insisted on taking your umbrella to bed with you ? I want to begin my diary for the New Year correctly. TWO HEADS WORSE THAN ONE. • Can you lend me ten shillings ?’ asked the two-headed girl of the fat girl. ‘With pleasure,’ said the fat girl, ‘but you don’t mean to tell me you’ve spent all yonr salary already.’ ‘ I—l didn’t mean to,’ replied the two-headed girl, almost in tears, ‘ but there was such a lovely vase put up at auction, and I got to bidding against myself before I thought. ’ THE AGE OF CHIVALRY. ‘ WhaT is the age of chivalry, Aunt Penelope ?’ ‘ Those good old times when men fell in love with women over 40.’ OUR VIGILANT POLICE. Judge: ‘What is the charge against this man, Mr Officer ?’ Officer : * Creating a disturbance, Your Honor.' Judge : ‘ Was it much of a disturbance ?’ Officer : ‘ Indeed it was, sir. It woke me up.’ A PROPER GIRL. Nell : ‘ Emma is very bashful, isn’t she ?’ Belle : ‘ Bashful ? Why, that girl won’t play a piece of music without an introduction.’ TWO PROPOSITIONS. Miss de Cosh : ‘ I say that if the women must take off their hats the men should be prohibited from going out between the acts.’ Miss La Touch : ‘ Yes, or else from coming in between the drinks.’ Breathless Hunter : ‘ I say, boy, did you see a rabbit run by here ?’ Boy : ‘ Yes. sir.’ Hunter : ‘ How long ago ?’ Boy : ‘ I think it’ll be three years next Christmas. ’

UNEXPECTED. Barmaid (to military man. who rather fancies himself): • So you're ordered off to China ?’ He : ' Oh, ah, ye-s,’ he said, languidly. Barmaid : ‘ Well, take good care of yonrself; they tell me that they eat puppies out there.’