THE GRAPHIC'S FUNNY LEAF

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVII, Issue XVIII, 31 October 1896, Page 572

THE GRAPHIC'S FUNNY LEAF

BALLADE OF YE BICYCLE MANNE. ’Tis a bicycle manne o’er his broken wheel That grieveth hymself full sore, For ye joye of its newness hys hearte shall feel Alas ande alacke, no more. When ye bryte sun tippeth ye hills withe golde This rider upriseth gaye, And with panties brief ande hearte that is bolde Pursueth his jaunty waye. He gazeth at folks in ye lowly crowde With a much superior air, He thynketh ‘ Ha ! Ha !’ ande he smileth aloude As he masheth ye mayden fair. Oh, he masheth her much in hys nice new clothes, Nor seeth ye cussed pup, Tille he roots up ye roade wyth hys proude nose, Whyle ye wheel wyth glee tilteth up. That bicycle manne on hys knees, yet he doth not pray, Is a pitiful sighte to see, For hys pants in their utterest parte give way Whyle merrily laugheth she. Ande that bicycle manne in hys hearte doth feel That ye worst of unsanctified jokes Is ye smalle dog that sniffeth anon of ye wheel, But getteth mixed up with ye spokes. HE HAD A REASON. * I wish you would tell me,’ said the agentwho had long been on Mr Snagg’s trail, ‘ what is your insuperable objection to insuring your life ?’ * I don’t mind telling you,’ replied Snaggs. ‘ The idea of being more valuable after I am dead than while I am alive is distasteful to me.’ AN OLD SONG REVISED. * ThhhK is a joke in your paper this week that I heard at a variety show two seasons ago,’ said the disagreeable man. • What if there is ?’ said the publisher of the religious weekly. ‘ Our subscribers never go to variety shows.’ THE USUAL REPLY. ‘ WILL you be mine ?’ History is made up of this question and its answer through countless ages. And now as John Bull uttered the words, the fire in his eyes and the set look on his face showed that he meant it. Probably Miss Egypt knew that he meant it also. But she could not refrain from blushing violently, dropping her eyes and coyly murmuring : ‘ This—this is so Soudan !’

• Hk stood at the top of the steps,’ she said, telling her father about it afterwards, ‘ and I mustered up courage enough to say, “ You know, this is leap year.” ’ * Yes, what then ?’ ‘Then he leaped, and I haven't seen him since.'

FUTURE WARFARE. ‘ Captain !’ • Yes, general.’ • Have a platoon of scientists ready for active service, and deploy them in front of the fortifications opposite our right wing, with instructions to turn on the cathode rays and find out how large a force the enemy has behind those walls.’ A SERIOUS CHARGE. Justice : ‘ What is the prisoner charged with, officer ?’ • O’Hoolihan ; ‘ Nothing, now, sor ; but ye ought to ’av seen ’im whan O’i ran ’im in ! He was charged wid whiskey till he couldn’t spake.’ NEW NURSERY RHYME. Sing a song of ’cycles A pocketful of gold ! Four and twenty different kinds, And each the best that’s sold ; Each one with its partisans Its eulogies to sing, Every one the daintiest That ever bore a king.

‘Jack is in love with you.’ ‘ Nonsense.’ ‘ That’s what I said when I heard it.’ ‘ How dared you !’ ON THE CONTINENT. First American Tourist : • Why do you always buy a third-class ticket ?’ Second American Tourist: ‘ Because there are no fourth-class ones. ’ FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW. ‘ Of course,’ he said, * ef Sairy’s mind is sot, we’ll have to git her a bicycle, but, durn me ’ He paused and scowled angrily. ‘ ef I see the use of payin’ a hundred dollars jest fer an excuse fer wearin’ pants.’ IS YOUNG YET. A four-year-old girl in California is said to be able to repeat from memory anything she has ever heard. She will improve in time. When she is old enough to join a church sewing circle she will doubtless be able to repeat things she never heard. ACCOMPLISHED COLOURED LADY. Mrs YerGER, coming home suddenly, found Matilda Snowball writing a letter. ‘ I didn’t know you could write,’ exclaimed Mrs Yerger. ‘ Yes, indeed, I can write. I writes out all my own recommendations.’ ON THE WRONG SIDE. The Kentucky Colonel had just been rescued from a watery grave in the bottom of the Mississippi River. * Where am I ?’ he asked feebly, as he opened his eyes. ‘ Safe on shore,’ replied one of the rescuers. ‘ On which side of the river ?’ ‘ The lowa side.’ For a moment the news seemed to overcome him, and he turned sorrowfully toward the river. ‘Just my luck to land in a prohibition State,’ he said, with a sigh. ‘ Throw me in again.’

BRIGHT HOPES.

Circus Manager (to clown who has just been engaged) : • Have you a family ?’ Clown : • I’ve got a boy and a girl. The girl never will amount to much, but the boy has got genius. He will be an artist some day.’ ‘ What makes you think so ?’ * He is only three years old, and already he can tie his legs in a bowknot around his neck.*

Angry Wife : ‘ Seems to me, we’ve been married about a hundred years. I can’t even remember when or where we first met.’ Husband (emphatically): ‘I can. It was at a dinner party, and there were thirteen at table.’ THE NEW PHOTOGRAPHY AND THE NEW BABY. They pressed forward and closely examined the Rontgen photograph. • His liver,’ they said, ‘ is the image of his father’s, but he gets his lungs from his mother’s side.’ THREE BALLS. ‘ I SEE they are applying ball bearings to a great many things now.’ ‘ Yes, they have a ball bearing sign down where I keep my watch.’ THE DEAD SCORCHER. SCORCHER, rest ; thy racing’s o’er ; Sleep the sleep that knows not waking ; Dream of bicycles no more, Tires bursting, pedals breaking ! When you got your fatal fall, O’er the landscape you were scattered ; Still, we think we’ve got you all, Limbs dismembered, body shattered. Scorcher, rest; thy racing’s o’er ; Dream of dodging cars no more ; Sleep the sleep that knows not waking, ’Tis the final scorch you’re taking. NAUGHTY, BUT NICE. He : ‘ How fearfully and wonderfully we are made ! Think even of my arms, what a mystery they are !’ She ; “Yes, but it’s nice to be enveloped in mystery.’ HIS AWFUL PREDICAMENT. * You are now,’ said the North Carolina landlord, in solemn tones, ‘ over 3,000 feet above the level of the sea !’ ‘ Heavens !’ cried the guest, ‘ what a fall! and I can't swim a lick.’ WHY SHE TOOK HIM. ‘ I understand that she can’t resist a bargain.’ ‘ That’s right. She’ll buy the most useless things if they seem to be bargains. Why, her titled husband was a bargain.’ ‘ Really ?’ ‘Yes, indeed. If I’m not mistaken he was sold under the hammer for his debts and she bid him in.’

‘ But, Mary, you never told me why you left the Jones’.’ ‘ Well, mum, the place was alright, but the master he took to photography, and used to photograph the joints when they left the table ; so, of course, mum, as I couldn’t stand that, I left.’