The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVII, Issue XI, 12 September 1896, Page 348

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

AN UNSOLVED PUZZLE. When you read your farewell essay ; when you step upon the stage And tell us what the country needs, and why the heathen rage; When in phrases so majestic your opinions areexpressed That we hardly understand you, if the truth must be confessed, Perhaps you'll solve this puzzle which so unrelenting clings, And tell us why one girl has three or four engagement rings. We know it is a problem that has baffled every land To keep supply exactly in accordance with demand, And philosophers inform us that a great deal of our care Is caused by some folks getting such a lot more than their share ; So when you speak of ethics, sociology and things, Pray tell us why one girl has three or four engagement rings. GETTING UP IN THE WORLD. ‘ What a heap of style Jimmy Watson’s wife throws on ?’ • Oh, yes ; Jimmie started a bicycle repair shop last week. ’ DEFINED. • UNCLE Bob, what is a pedestrian ?’ ‘ Why, he is the fellow who makes a row when a bicycle runs over him ’ THE PASSING HONEYMOON. He : ‘ Why, we’ve got a cricket in the house I Isn’t it cheerful ?’ She : 1 Yes. And so intelligent. Hear him talking about the furniture. How distinctly he says, “ Cheap ! cheap I” ’ However, as she had been that day on a visit to her sister, whose husband was getting £3 10s a week, while her own dear new hubby got but £1 15s, perhaps herdiscontent was excusable. HIS MISFORTUNE. Old Lady : • Poor fellow '. I suppose your blindness is incurable. Have you ever been treated ?’ Blind Man: ‘Yes, mum, but not often. 'Taint many as likes to be seen going into a bar-room with a blind beggar.’ NEW USE FOR ELECTRICITY. • Kitty, I have a lovely device for keeping cool.’ • What is it ?' • I have an electric fan in each of my big sleeves.’

HE : ‘ Darling, do you return my love ?’ She (sweetly) : ‘ Well, it’s the only thing you have given me that I can return.’

A STEADY JOB. Mr Styles : * What did you say you wanted, my man ?’ Walker : ‘l'm looking for some kind of steady work, sir.’ ‘ Well, just wait; my wife’s learning to ride a bicycle. She’ll be out in a minute.’ FONDER OF THE OTHER GIRL. Mrs Sent a Mentell : ‘ Do you believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder ?’' Mrs Scrapleigh: ‘ Certainly ; I know from experience.’ Mrs Senta Mentell : ‘ You do ?’ Mrs Scrapleigh : ‘ Yes. During my absence last summer my husband grew so fond of his pretty typewriter that I have applied for a divorce. ’ STUDENTS OF HUMAN NATURE. Two pickpockets saw a gentleman receive a large sum of money at the bank, and followed him for some time, when suddenly they saw him turn into the lawyer’s office, and one of the watchers said : ‘ That settles it. He’s done. Come along.’ ‘ No, no ! said the other. ‘ Wait till the lawyer comes out. We’ll tackle him !’ HAIRBREADTH ESCAPE. Mrs Snobbs : ‘ How many girls do the Newlies keep ?’ Mrs Nobbs : ‘ Only one.’ Mrs Snobbs : ‘ Only one ? Good gracious, and I came pretty near calling there yesterday I’

Fair Critic : ‘ Now, look at that, Mr Townsend. Aren’t you surprised at their hanging such a thing ?’ Mr Townsend : ‘ Er—well —er —not exactly. But you see, I’m prejudiced—that thing’s mine.’ THE LATEST PATTERN. Greene : * Say ! That shotgun I bought of you blew into ten thousand pieces the first time I fired it off. I don’t see how I ever got off alive.’ Gunsel : ‘Oh, yes; I forgot to tell you. You have heard of those new disappearing guns the Government is getting ? Well, that was one of them.’ HIS MODEST HOPE. Mr Newwed : • I—l may not be home until late, dearest, as this is our night for a business meeting.’ Dearest: ‘ How do you expect to get in, Mr Newwed ?’ Mr Newwed : ‘ I—l thought, dearest, you might leave the scuttle open.’ UNREASONABLE. ‘ My husband,’ said a young wife, ‘is a very unreasonable man !’ ‘ In what way ?’ asked a friend. ‘ He expects me to live on nothing and save half. ’ A REMINDER. Irishman (whose mate has just fallen overboard with the bucket while swabbing the decks): * Plaze, captain, do ye rimitnber that Scotchie ye tuk aboard the same toime as ye did me ? I mane him wot had the lot o’ good character papers, an’ me that niver had a blissed wan ?’ Captain: ‘Well?’ Irishman : • Well, he’s off wid yer pail!’ ACCOUNTED FOR. Chollie : ‘ How do you account for this suit shwinking so?’ Tailor : • Too much due on it, I ’spect.’

A NAPOLEONIC SCHEMER. Judkins : • I learn through your agent that you have bought the properties on either side of your residence and got them dirt cheap. Hew do you manage it ?’ Foxley : • Easy enough. My wife is an elocutionist, my daughter plays the piano, George plays a cornet, I play the violin, Bob plays a banjo, Charlie rattles the bones and little Johnnie has a drum.* MATRIMONY. To say that marriage is like war Is not exactly sense ; For not until the engagement ends Do hostilities commence.

Fond Mother (to eldest daughter): ‘ I wonder, darling, which of the young gentlemen of your acquaintance will succeed in winning you !’ Eldest Daughter (horrified): ‘How vulgarly you express yourself, mother! To hear you talk thus, one would suppose that I was in a raffle !’ TAKEN AT HIS WORD. She was very young for the responsibilities of housekeeping (as every woman is who has not been married long), and he was doing his best to give her good advice about how to enconomise and systematise her affairs. And (as most young husbands do) he was constantly casting discredit on his own fitness to advise by making applications to borrow back, for his personal expenses down town, money which he had given her for domestic Use. ‘ I have only a little money, dear,’ she protested, ‘ barely enough to market with.’ ‘ But I thought I handed you quite a little sum for an emergency some time ago. This is an emergency, yon know. You wouldn’t want a man to go without his lunch and a cigar, would you ?’ • I don’t know what money you mean ?’ ‘ Why, I gave it to you only last week and told you there was something for a rainy day.’ ‘ Oh ! Why, dear, I used that the same afternoon.’ * What for ?’ ‘ For a rainy day.’ ‘ I guess you must have misunderstood me.* ‘ Maybe I did. But I certainly got a lovely mackintosh ; and it was a real bargain, too.’ THE BICYCLE BEND. There once was a bend they called ‘ Grecian,’ But may fate or kind fortune defend True lovers and all, On this bicycle ball, From the maid with the bicycle bend !

She: * I thought you told me your salary was X 5 a week ?’ He : * Oh, no ; I said I earned £5, but I only get 30a.’