The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVII, Issue IX, 29 August 1896, Page 288

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

A TRANSLATION. U P from the cradle came a walk At first a pensive coo Icto a weird vociferous wail Of mourn fulness it grew. His sorrow, in a vein prolix. He straggled to reveal. ■ My father s talking politics And mother rides a wheel. • They say I’m cross. I’m simply sad At being slighted so. I wish the baby carriage fad Could somehow get a show. How can yon blame one in my fix For setting np a sones’ ? My father s talking politics And mother rides a wheel ’ HIS REASONABLE REQUEST. ’ is there anything in particular yea would like to have pat on yoar tombstone ?’ asked the kind friend who was getting at the dying man’s last wishes. ■Why no. I guess not.' said the moribund one. ’ I suopose. of coarse. yon mean to mention the fact that I am the first person in this township to die of appendicitis, don't you ?' NOW. REALLY . Shs : • What charming teeth Mrs Hig'csae has ' He; Yoe flatter me. madam..' She: ’ Oh. parion : you are her husband ?’ He : ’ Oh. no . only her dentist. ’ FROM A DOCTOR’S POINT OF VIEW. Fiwst New Docme procdly ' I haven't lost a patient since I hans’ oat my shingle.’ Second New Doctor enviously : I wish I had yoar lack. All mine get well.’ TO MAKE IT POPULAR. ‘I'M afraid tennis will not be as popular as usual this year,’ said the dealer in all that pertains to outdoor sperts. • I think you are right,* admitted his chief clerk. • The girls and yoeng women are losing interest in it-' • And I have a large stock of tennis goods on hand.* sighed the dealer. ’lf we could only hold the interest of the girls ■ That might he possible, if’ • Well?

l lf you can devise a bifurcated tennis costume for

Er Fix : ‘Jack, papa said that we are sot to see each ocher any mere ’ Jack : Indeed ’ Shall I turn the lamp out. then f

INCREASING PROFICIENCY Claka : * Mr Softerly paid me a great compliment yesterday. He said I grew more beautiful every day.’ Maude : ‘Weil, practice makes perfect, you know.’ SAVED. Mas Bingo ; • I noticed there was a rent in your trousers this morning.' Mr Bingo: ‘ Thank Heaven 1 Give it to the landlord when he comes.’ THE INFERIOR HEATHEN. Tommy : • Paw. the Chinese invented gunpowder, didn’t they ?’ Mr Figg ; ‘ Yes ; but it never really amounted to much for killing purposes until the Christian nations took bold of it.’ WE HOPE HE WAS OBTUSE. He certainly wasn't handsome, but he had a loving heart. He bought his adored one a birthday present of a pug that broke down all the usual standards of ugliness and set up one of its own. The gift went right to the affections of the gushing maiden. ‘ Oh. thank you, James: thank you.’ she warbled. ’ It’s -ust like you. so it is.

AN ALARMING EXPLANATION. Couxtuy Patient : -I didn’t expect that you would call again before to-morrow, doctor.’ Doctor : ’ Well, you see. I had to visit another patient in tee neighbourhood, and I thought I might as well " kill two birds with one stone.’’ ’ A DULL NIGHT. ■ How s business ?’ called the chrysanthemum across the conservatory to the palm. ‘ Dull, dull.' replied the palm ; * I haven’t heard more than seven ty-nve proposals tc-night. ’ ’ Seven ty-nve ’ Great Japs, how many men are here ?’ exclaimed the chrysanthemum. ‘About twenty five.' answered the palm, and the inexperienced chrysenthemum whistled softly through its leaves. THE UNKINDEST END OF ALL. See sat. fully nr epared, waiting for her husband to come home from the club. At two am., weary and worn cut. she went to her bedroom and found the missing husband sound asleep. Instead of going to the dub .he bad gone to his room, and never left the house. Such are the troubles some married women have to contend with in this life. A CASE IN POINT. Er hex ; ' llon't you think it is nice to be married on one s birthday ?’ Maud; 'St metimes it brings bid lock ; look at Eve.' RATHER Joxus: ‘I think I’ll sto drinking. It s telling on me ’ Lcshingtoc : • Yes. It frequently tells on me when I go home late.’ W HEN GOODNESS PAYS. D. es it pay to be good ? It does when the bossuesn becomes fully established : be: you have to sink money in the start.

MODERN WARFARE. Esgxishmhx have introduced football into the Lake Nyassa region in Africa. Whatever else may be said of them the English have always been foremost in adopting the most formidable means of exterminating their enemies. WITH RARE EXCEPTIONS. Yoc’U. find it so, by day or night. In country or in city ; The pretty girls are seldom bright. The bright ones seldom pretty.

ENCOURAGING. He : ‘ I would kiss you if I thought no one would see me.’ She : * Shall I close my eyes ?’ EASY GENIUS. M IM AN : * I otten hear people speak about brain work being so awfully hard . it doesn’t appear to me so.' Cutter : 'Of course not: to men of your calibre bravin’ work is easy.” NOT HER HOLMES. M V favourite author, ' said the vising woman with the high fzvehead. ’’ is Holmes. " ■ Holmes ?' said the woman with the y»AAk green, yellow, brown and white shirt waist. - I didn't know he had ever written anything besides that horrid

’ Have you been reading poetry lately ? ’ said the hank manager to the cashier. ‘ You are getting that ** faraway look ’’ in your eyes, and it worries the directors.’ Cbollie : ‘ I had a fever once, an 1 for weeks I positively did not know anything.’ Kitty: ‘That was dreadful. But don’t you think you'll ever get over it ?’ Mere than three hundred people iu one province of Russia are employed in making barrel-organa When this fact becomes more generally known. Russia will not have a friend in the world. The scholars in a certain infant school had been given an object lesson on the ‘ Blue Heron ’ In the course of the lessen the teacher made the remark that ‘ This bird has no tail to speak of.’ Next day the class was asked a few questions on the previous day’s lesson, and the question was asked. ‘ What about the blue heron's tail ?’ One little girl made answer, ‘ The blue heron has a tail, but it must not be talked about.’

She : * Yes, they are engaged. I know she refused him twwre. hut the third time be proposedsbe accepted him.’ Her Husband : ‘ Serves him right.’