A MONTANA CRITIC ON 'CLEOPATRA.’

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVI, Issue XII, 21 March 1896, Page 316

A MONTANA CRITIC ON 'CLEOPATRA.’

The play of ‘Cleopatra’ was written by a man named Shakespeare, so he claims, but Ig. Donnelly says that Shakespeare is a liar. Shakespeare is dead and Donnelly can make his bluff stick. Cleopatra lived in Egypt, Africa. We give her full post office address to keep our t.j/pntemporaries from saying that we are claiming her s>r our own—the Gallatin valley being called the Egypt of America. Cleopatra was a gay girl. The bull train was the only means in communication with the outside world in her day, and she didn't have to give afternoon teas to keep in the swim. Bloomers were not a fad. In fact, very little clothes of any kind were necessary. There being no danger of early frost, the folks there did not have to tie up their feet in gunny sacks and shovel a path to the machine when they thrashed their barley crop. As we have before remarked, Cleopatra was a trifle gay. She met Antony at a dance given in the schoolhouse and she straightway made a mash on him. Antony had one wife to his credit, but as she was back east at a place called Rome he got a little gay- himself. Things were coming his way like a three-time winner. He took Cleopatra to all the dances, candy pulls and school entertainments in the neighbourhood, and none of the home bovs were in it for a minute. He told Cleopatra that his people back in the States were great. ‘ Why,’ said he, one day, ‘ my people back in Mizz.oury are way up.’ ‘ Are they ?’ said Cleo. ‘Well. I should smile,’ said Antony, lowering his voice until it was music to her ear. ‘ I’urt nigh nearly every gol darn one of ’em have got a gold fillin’ in her teeth.’ Antony’s wife in the States died about this time and he ha<l to go home. While he was back there visiting around and telling stories about the big crops they raised by irrigation on the Nile, he married another girl just to please a brother of hers whom Antony used to be chummy with, but who was now working his farm on shares with the railroad and an eastern loan company. His name was Casar at the time, but it is probably

Dennis now. for they introduced the cash system in all the stores at that place. Antony didn't have the nerve to bring his wife back with him. So he gave her a song and dance about not having his house chinked up, and promised to send her a second class ticket over the Burlington in the spring.

Caesar got onto Antony through a local paper, which gave several columns of its space to young contributors in order to make tbiugs lively in the neighbourhood. This contributor happened to be jealous of Antony, and he got even through the paper. Cicsar came out on a cut rate ticket purchased at Kansas City, and Antony,

who was a member of the militia company, dropped onto this and a rusty United States cavalry sabre, dying a sure but slow death. Before he did this Cleopatra made what she thought was a foxy play, by sending word to Antony that she had committed suicide. She thought this would cause him to rush to her side with a stomach pump. ButAntonydidn’trush. He pulled out his sabre, and, making a grand stand play, fell on ’it. Not having any clothes on and being a heavy man, the sabre succeeded in cutting a large-sized gash into his vital system. He died a lingering death to the tune of ‘The Band Played On.’ Cleopatra, hearing of this, gets a tarantula, which strings her, and then she gracefully floats out of existence. Antony is buried at the expense of the county. The committee of one hundred .kick at this, for it is a tax-paying time, but congratulate themselves that it is cheaper than a murder trial and an acquittal. This is the sad story of Cleopatra and Antony, leaving out some of the dry details, wherein red lights and several other things, excepting clothes, figured.

A certain steamship company in New York, in consequence of the demand for free passes and cheap rates from ‘ ministerial-looking ’ men, has had the following Biblical quotations printed :— Thou shall not pass.—Numbers xx., 18. The wicked shall no more pass. — Nahum i.. 15. None shall ever pass.—Mark xxxiv., 10. Though they roar, yet can they not pass.—Jeremiah x., 22. Suffer not a man to pass.—Judges iii., 28. So he paid his fare and went. —Isaiah L, 3. Applicants for free trips are show n these selections, and as a result either give up begging or ‘ pay the fare and go.’

AN EXTREME MEASURE. ‘What was the trouble between you and young Mr. Softy ? ’ Why he said his brain was on fire, and I broke a hand grenade over his head.’

John Bull—‘Well, I’ll be blowed ! ’