POOR JOHN WILLIAM.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XVI, Issue IX, 29 February 1896, Page 236

POOR JOHN WILLIAM.

I MET him at one of those foreign watering-places where the English male population seems to consist of abnormally green youths and abnormally acute, wideawake men, while the ladies—well, ladies are charming wherever you meet them, and have nothing to do with the present story ; so why inquire further? I believe that I won his respect by tbe air of dignified contempt with which one evening I declined to play cards with him at a small but well-served restaurant at which we had been dining at adjoining tables. There was an upper room at that cafe, and, as far as my observation went, my would-be friend was picking up quite a respectable living among the brown-shoed, large-collared young gentlemen who frequented it. Next evening, at all events, I made his further acquaintance—for one night only—through the upsetting and consequent replenishing of his glass as I strolled past the little marble-topped table beside which he was smoking and digesting. I guard myself from saying that I upset the glass ; he said I did, and I admitted the impeachment to the extent of paying for its replenishing with a compound of his own, mainly vermouth, absinthe, and brandy, about a gill of which he thus obtained in exchange for what was evidently a mere heel-tap. Under the circumstances he became communicative, and no wonder ; after half a glass of what he was drinking I might have confessed any of my usual sins—after a full glass I should have been capable of adding to them substantially. As it was, I ordered a cup of coffee and a glass of cognac for myself, handed him a cigar, carefully retaining the case in my possession, and lighted one myself. I happened to make some remark about the recent great silver robbery, suggested by an account of it in an old English newspaper at my elbow, and I think I made some suggestion as to the practical method of avoiding detection in the perpetration of such crimes that took his fancy considerably, for he winked and said be saw I knew all about it—a compliment which I acknowledged by having his glass once more refilled. ‘ Ever been through the Bailey ?’ he asked, with a slight flush tinging his nose and cheek-bones—he had a very pallid face otherwise. I nodded assent. As a matter of fact, the lengthy investigation of a case of fraudulent bankruptcy had taken up much of my time during the past session, and I had become almost familiar with its dingy surroundings.

* I thought you very likely had. Been before the judge ?• I nodded again. I thought vaguely that he had divined my profession. When, however, he remarked that he’d rather go before ‘ nine epitheted judges out of ten than one adjectived Recorder,’ I understood that he was referring to an acquaintance with the administrators of justice enjoyed in a personal rather than in a professional capacity ; but he was too warm with vermouth and brandy for my chilly stare to make him pause. 1 Last time I was there I had a rum let off,' he said, chuckling. • Last time but one it was five of the best, but last time —oh, lor’.’ I swallowed the affront he had unwittingly put upon me and nodded encouragingly. ‘ Care to hear it, would you ? Well, it was like this. I was up for a pretty big job—one of the biggest I ever was in, and certainly the worst thing I ever was lagged for — it meant for me seven of the best, and not much to grumble at. I gathered from this that my new friend had recently been expecting a sentence of at least seven years’ penal servitude at the Central Criminal Court, his singular escape from which admittedly deserved fate he was about to recount to me. He continued : ‘ I’d got a pretty good man to say what he could for me. Not one of the real top-sawyers —it wouldn’t run to that—but a handy sort of chap with a precious long tongue. You see, when it’s a dead cert against you it’s better to keep your cash till you come out than to chuck it away to swell lawyers ; so I said “ Guilty ” in a tone I thought sounded like “ deep contrition,” talked to my counsel over the edge of the dock, and then stood down to take my turn at being sentenced when they thought I’d been strung up in suspense long enough. ‘Now, my name is—well, what it is. It’s “Carteret Whittingham ” here to-day ; good old family name—l always like a good name—and we’ll say it was “John Reginald” Whittingham that day, and that the other chap was “John William” Whittingham. Not much difference, eh ? Though there was some difference between us. Well, I heard my name again, as I thought, just as I was leaving the dock, and he was saying “ Not guilty,” in a voice like you’d expect in a virtuous mouse that had been caught stealing cheese. He was crying, and the warder had to repeat what he said, before the Common Serjeant, who was taking the pleas, as they call it, could hear him. It didn’t interest me much — I’d too much of my own business to think of just then ; but one notices things in a rum way. Well, next day

there was a long case on that took hours and hours, and just as I thought I was cocksure to be adjourned till next day I heard 'em call “ Whittingham,” and I answered “ Yes,” and a warder said, “ Here, you Whittingham and up I went into the dock. ■ I heard something about John Something Whittingham, and I think someone asked me if it was all right, and, of course, I said it was. I was not attending much, but I began to listen to what the prosecuting chap was talking about, so as to interrupt him quietly, and not set his back up or the judge’s. He was telling them all something about a trifling offence that would not take them long to investigate, and I said to myself “ 'Aug itl” ’ * He was talking to the jury when I’d pleaded guilty on purpose, and he was telling them something about what he said technically constituted the offence of burglary, and how the prisoner had, no doubt, yielded to a sudden temptation, and the prosecution did not want to press hard upon him. Well, I ain’t a burglar; I always say the pen is mightier than the jemmy ; and the cheque I was most afraid of —the one where I crossed the t too low down—was a matter of three figures ; sol don’t wonder I said “ ’Ang it 1” ’ ‘ They were taking the other Whittingham’s case, I suppose,’ I suggested. ‘ You’ve hit it in once, and I only tumbled to it just in time,’ he said, winking as he took a prolonged sip. ‘ I expect tbe counsel employed had applied to have his case taken out of its turn—very likely a short case was wanted, as it was late in the afternoon,’ I said, hoping to faintly suggest a familiarity with the procedure greater than that which an ordinary criminal would acquire. ‘That’s it,’ said my friend, approvingly; ‘you know the ropes as well as I do ; it was twenty minutes to four, and I fancy the judge had asked to have a short case sent to him just to fill up time. They told me something of the sort when they were saying good-bye, and telling me I was a darned lucky chap, which I about knew by then. Lord, how I sweated for five minutes! The counsel for the prosecution was just saying how he’d call his witnesses and settle me off in two-two’s, when I grasped the situation. Of course, I’d not noticed at first that they called me John William instead of John Reginald, because I’d not been using those names for some time.’ ‘ Yes,’ he said, as if pleased with the fitness of the expression, ‘ I grasped the situation. “My'lord,” I said, just the moment before the prosecutor was going to be

called into the court, “I plead guilty.” “You wish to withdraw your plea ?” says his lordship. “I do, my lord,” I says, “and I wish to give your lordship and these gentlemen as little trouble as I can, and throw myself on the mercy of the court." “Why did you do it ?” said the judge. “ I don’t know, my lord,” I said, trying to think of why anyone should break a pane of glass to get two penny buns and a stick of liquorice, which was •John William’s high class notion of burglary. “ I’ve a wife and four children and the consumption,” I said at last. It’s a rum thing; if I’d said I did it because I was drunk, that old chap would probably have said that made it all the worse, and given me six months. Now I think a man with awifein ourlineof business is a blackguard,and a chap who’s consumptive and has three children ought to be hanged right away ; but the old judge he seemed fit to cry—quite sorry for me he was. “Is anything known against this man ?” says he. “ I believe not, my lord,” says the counsel ; “ but there’s an inspector among the witnesses, who perhaps can tell us.” ‘I fairly shivered. I’d forgotten all about that sort of game. But luck’s luck all the world over, and the inspector must have thought the other witnesses would take half an hour, and gone outside to tea. It was a dear cup of tea for him that was. “ I shall disallow his expenses as a witness,” says the judge, when they’d waited a minute and shouted for him a bit, “ and bind the prisoner overto come up for judgment when called upon. Take his recognisances.” There’s an Act they call the First Offenders’ Act,’ said my friend. • I know,’ I said. ‘You’ll never get the benefit of it,’ said my friend, chuckling hideously. * I did, though, and I was in the street five minutes later. I passed an inspector running who’d been fetched by a constable and was cursing no end. He’d have soon told them I wasn't John William ; but there’s where the luck comes in. It was Jor me that business and against J. W. all the time. I caught a cab, picked up a quid or two from a pal, and have been enjoying myself ever since. I’m off to Homburg to-morrow ; while he ’ and he shrugged his shoulders expressively. • But surely,’ I said, * this innocent man, John William Whittingham, did not get the penal servitude that you ought to have had ? The police and warders would find out their mistake.’ ‘ They’re not so jolly fond of telling about mistakes.’ • But he would explain from the dock ; he surely would not let himself be sentenced for a crime he never committed.’ ‘ I don’t know,’ said my friend, ‘ and what’s more I don’t care.’ ‘ Poor John William,’ I said, but my friend had slipped off suddenly. A stranger had seated himself at the next table, and " I noticed that he was eyeing me rather closely. Archie Armstrong.