WHO SHOULD PROPOSE ?

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XIV, Issue III, 19 January 1895, Page 61

WHO SHOULD PROPOSE ?

BY

LADY COOK.

(STuffijjl n ARRTAGE is like a voyage by sea—it reveals L. character. It shows others what manner of (SIA \wlj w men and women we are. So Corydon may be vJiPAhJ tr the gentlest of swains, and Phyllis the sweetest shepherdess that ever carried a crook, so long as they meet to woo and to be wooed ; but when they exchange their pastoral pursuits for homely honsekeeping, the defects of each are for the first time exposed to the other. It is all very well to sit on a mossy bank beneath some ancient tree in the leafy month of June, surrounded by flowers and frisking lambs, and to babble of love and eternal fidelity ; but to sit by a smoky fire in winter when the larder is empty and the purse is low, and flowers and lambs and June are dead, and love itself fast dying, will test the strongest vows and unloose the most latent discords. Each is surprised to find that the character of the other was misunderstood. Each feels deceived and aggrieved, and reproaches and tears take the place of billings and cooings. But the glittering mansion is not exempt from the evils of the thatched cottage. There may be wealth and rank and a full measnre of worldly prosperity, yet discord will enter in. Lady Clara Vere de Vere is as frail and unstable as her humbler sisters, her lordly spouse in his way as selfish and as exacting as simple Corydon. Ennui and friction are as fatal to the happiness of the great as cold and want are to the poor. Discontent is the canse with both. And why’ Because neither really knew each other. Because both masked their failings and displayed their most agreeable qualities and abilities. Because the role of the man was to win, and of the woman to be won. It was his to pursue boldly and hers to coyly retreat. Thus he displayed a fictitious courage, and she an artificial modesty, with two wrecked lives as a result. These methods may have been suitable for a barbarous age when men wooed like the birds and beasts of the field, and lived scarcely better lives than they. But at this period of human evolution we require more rational processes of mating, processes which will promote trnth and honesty between sexes prior to marriage, and thus prevent unpleasant after developments. And in order to accomplish this we must first sweep away the cobwebs of superstition, particularly those which render it immodest for a woman to make the first advances in affection. Women are far shrewder than men in the matter of sexual choice, and are less governed by blind passion. If they bad the same freehorn to propose as men have, there would be fewer unhappy marriages. It is true a woman has many ways of letting a man know that he is pleasing to her without saying so in so

many words. But men have the name. And any such indication on her part would, as things are, be liable to serious misconstruction. She might be accused of levity or even of wantonness unless she conld be permitted to make her intentions clear by a definite proposal. It might sound a little strange at first for a modest and pretty girl to say : * Dear Mr Smith, I have had the pleasure of knowing you for sone time, and have the highest esteem for your character. I am sure you would make a good and affectionate husband to a suitable wife. Our views and feelings have often been mutually exchanged in a most friendly and unreserved manner, and I have learnt to entertain a tender regard for yon. If you, as I flatter myself you do, feel similarly towards me, I think I conld make you a wife after your own heart; I should feel myself the happiest woman alive by your accepting me. Should you consent to my proposal, I shall be delighted to mention it at once to your mother.’ This, we say, might sound strange at first, but not stranger than now when at a tenants’ ball the ladies of the great house invite the men to dance with them ; and after a few courageous maidens had essayed and succeeded, it would quickly become the fashion. Young men, we hear, areshy of proposing nowadays,and so cultivate bachelorhood. This is not only an evil to the commonwealth, but is also a wrong to its fairer members, and a tacit reproach to their character. As men are not generally given to excessive modesty as to their own qualifications, it cannot be supposed that they think themselves not good enough for the women. It would be a great slur on our marriageable young women, however, to suppose that they are not good enough for the men, and still worse if it conld be said that neither are fit for marriage. If the young men will not da as their fathers before them, and what has hitherto been considered their duty, let our girls inaugurate a better state of things by proposing on their own account. After the first novelty has worn off, no one will accuse them of impropriety or forwardness. In truth, it seems most fitting, if there should be any preference in proposing, that women should possess it. At present marriage is of more importance to her than to a man. Our opponents are never tired of telling us that it is her avocation. We will take them at their word. A good woman’s happiness centres in her home. There she is mistress, mother, and queen. It is her delight to make all within its influence the happier and better for her rule, and to convert it into an earthly Paradise. Bat to do this she must have the man whom she can love most truly, and must, therefore, have the right of choosing. One of the most accomplished and beautiful Englishwomen of her day, Lady Mary W ortley Montague, daughter of a duke and wife of an ambassador, and an associate of the most intellectual men in Europe, an unromantic, clear - headed, fashionable lady who saw more of life, perhaps, than any other woman, wrote in reply to Rochefoucault’s cynical maxim, • That marriage is sometimes convenient, but never delightful,* and

said : *lt is impossible to taste the delights of love in perfection, but in a well assorted marriage. A fond couple attached to each other by mutual affection, are two lovers who live happily together. Though the priest pronounces certain words, though the lawyers draw up certain instruments, yet I look on these preparatives in the same light as a lover considers a rope-ladder which be fastens to his mistress’s window : If they can bat live together, what does it signify by what means the union is accomplished. Two married lovers lead very different lives : they have the pleasure to pass their time in a successive intercourse of mutual obligations and marks of benevolence, and they have the delights to find that each forms the entire happiness of the beloved object. Herein consists perfect felicity. Themosttrivialconcernsof economy become noble and elegant when they are exalted by sentiments of affection : to furnish an apartment is not barely to furnish an apartment; it is a place where I expect my lover ; to prepare a supper is not merely giving orders to my cook ; it is an amusement to regale the object I dote on. In this light a woman considers these necessary occupations as more lively and affecting pleasures than those gaudy sights which amuse the greater part of the sex, who are incapable of true enjoyment.’ The husband’s feelings in his duties correspond to the wife's ; he works for her, and both are prepared, by calm reflection, for mutual infirmities and the ravages of time. * When a pair,’ she adds, * who entertain such rational sentiment!, are united by indissoluble bonds, all nature smiles upon them, and the most common appear delightful. In myopinion, such a life is infinitely more happy and more voluptuous than the most ravishing and best regulated gallantry.’ Another reason why a woman should have the privilege of proposing is, that it is she who will bear the fruits of marriage. Hers will be the pain, the years of weariness, the intense anxiety and affection for her offspring. If she endure the cross, shonld she not also wear the crown ? If in suffering and sorrow she bring forth children, should she not have the selection of her partner, so that she may be indemnified for all by the joy of knowing that they sprang from one whom she is proud to call their father? Women are growing wiser, and if free to propose would elect the worthiest they could obtain. The wiser they prove, the more select will be their choice. Rakes and profligates of all descriptions they will reject. They will refuse to join themselves to any unless sound in body, mind, and morals. Maternity will be revered as a sacred function demanding every just precaution ; as an obligation to reproduce men as in the Biblical beginning—in the likeness and image of God.— Sun.