WEATHER SYNDICATE.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume X, Issue 23, 10 June 1893, Page 543

WEATHER SYNDICATE.

LIMITED, UNDER NEW ACTS—HITHERTO UNLIMITED. Directors. Messrs John sun, Moon ey, and Fogg. The Clerk of the Weather will join the Board after allotment. PROSPECTUS. Captain Edwin has proved himself an utter failure.

The weather he has daily undertaken to supply has not been anything like up to his own forecasts. Rain has been promised in large quantities, and umbrella merchants have at once rigged the market to raise prices, but he failed to fulfil his own undertakings, so the price of umbrellas has been kept low. Frost has been very poorly supplied, and quality very inferior to sample. Good weather promised has over and over again been extremely disappointing. Even members of the House of Assembly have suffered

from this looseness in doing business, bnt they have up to the present refrained from putting any questions on the matter to the heads of the Department; we do not mean to insinuate anything when we mention this fact, but our Directors will be above suspicion. The uncertainty of the weather has grown so outrageously that it has become proverbial : • It never rains but it pours.' Barometers also have suffered acutely from this lack of meteorological precision. Mercury has become a drug in the market, and a man would sooner think of consulting bis solicitor about the weather than any average weather instrument made at present. Salutations have degenerated into mere meaningless weather aphorisms, and the moral character of the community has been lowered by the conduct of those in charge of the weather office. Hence arises the necessity for urgent reform. The Weather Syndicate will take over the entire control of the Meteorological Department, and all barometers, tender corns, thermometers, novelists, fog horns, aneroids, rain-gauges, weather-wise fools, newspaper weather forecast stereos, east winds, spiing poets, zephyrs, clouds, autumn leaves, and the whole disconnected machinery whereby the weather is turned out so unsatisfactorily at present. Negotiations are going on with several influential sunspots, and a monopoly of these will undoubtedly be obtained ; the Man in the Moon is being communicated with, advice from Mars—where we never hear of bad weather - will be secured, and the Clerk of the Weather has been engaged at a nominal rate on account of the unsatisfactory character of his arrangement with the present weather authorities. The Syndicate will undertake the supply of weather which will suit all tastes. The sentimental lover cau have a large quantity of effulgent moonlight at a small charge per 1,000 cubic feet of etfulgency. The farmer, struggling with his half gilt wheat and a damp harvest, can have autumn breezes and glowing sunlight on moderate terms ; large quantities by special arrangement. The bashful young lady can have her feelings spared and her blushes rendered less noticeable by carefully-timed passing clouds while walking with her friends on pleasant evenings. Mercenary people who do not patronise the Syndicate can be deluged at a very low rate. Manufacturers of waterproof goods please note. Picnic parties should write at once and enclose a stamp for our catalogue of charming selections in the newest summer styles. Snow supplied to any required depth on winter estates, picturesqueness guaranteed. Excellent quality of frost at wonderfully moderate charges. Doctors can be supplied with variable weathers, and our influenza and cholera-scare producing weathers will make the fortune of any medical man who applies them carefully in accordance with the directions on the label. Clergymen liberally dealt with. Our system will, by its absolute certainty, recommend itself especially to clerics ; we are so sure of this that we will forward a free sample to all applicants in orders. Complete satisfaction of everybody will be guaranteed by a novel system of equations and averages. Contentment under all our weathers supplied to order will be absolute. Rain will be supplied at night unless otherwise ordered. 1 The Syndicate will not confine its beneficial and profitable exertions to the control of the weather alone. Conversation, hitherto founded on weather improbabilities, will be bought up wholesale and renewed on a variety of top cs, then sold cheap to parties having hitherto only the climate variability to depend on as a subject for talking about. All the various branches of clothing hitherto necessitated by the exigencies of the weather will be taken in hand by the Syndicate, and alarge revenue may be anticipated from this source alone. Contracts for supplying City Corporations will be entered into; and County Councils can have a soothing type of weather just before elections come off. The weather orthography will be remodelled so that bad spells of weather will no longer exist. ft is only possible in the limits of this Prospectus to briefly outline the extent and profitable character of the business that the Syndicate will enter in to and completely revolutionise. Share list will shortly be open. A Steck Exchange quota tion will be obtained in the place of the now worn out one: • Every cloud has a silver lining.’ In the meantime the public are requested to suspend confidence in any kind of weather whatever, and await the opening operations of the Syndicate. o Gave it to Him.—The Judge: ‘What, you here again T You promised last session to reform.’ Prisoner : * I know that, judge. But a man can’t refoim all at once. Give me time.’ The Judge : ' I will. Thirty days.*