MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 11, 12 March 1892, Page 264

MISCELLANEOUS.

Mbs Breezy (with hammer): * There, I’ve hit the nail on the head at last.’ Mr Breezy: ‘ Why do you put your finger in your mouth ?’ Mrs Breezy : ‘ That was the nail I hit.’ Mother : ‘ Arthur, this hurts me more than it does you.’ Arthur : ‘ Yes, mamma, but not in the same place.’ ‘ Well, congratulate me, old fellow. lam a father !’ ‘ Good ! Boy or girl ?’ •By Jove ! So excited I forgot to ask.’ A woman loves to talk. Anybody can tell when a woman’s dead, but it takes an expert to tell when a man’s dead. A woman is never dead until she stops talking. Jutjge (to a very homely old maid) : * Miss, in what year were - you born?’ Witness: ‘ln the year 1866.’ Judge: • Before or after Christ ?’ Jones: ‘Red herring, blue fish, white fish, green peas, green corn and yellow label.’ Artist : ‘ Jove, old fellow, you ought to belong to the Palette Club.’ Judge : ‘ Well, officer, who is this person, and what is she charged with ?’ Officer : ‘ Sure, it’s the “ magnetic girl,” yer honor, and she’s charged with electricity. ’ Bunker : ‘ Bloomer is looking pretty well lately. Has he had any luck ?’ Hill : ‘ Why, haven’t you heard ? He married a Harlem widow, and her- former husband’s clothes just fit him.’ Stranger (to Bridget, scrubbing the front steps) : ‘ While you’re on your knees, Biddy, pray for me.’ Bridget : ‘O Lord, make this fellow a gintlemon !’ Evolution of a Proposal.—Act I.—The belle poses. Act ll.—The beau proposes. Act 111. —The father disposes. Act IV.—The wife imposes. Act V. —The mother-in-law interposes. Act Vl.—The husband opposes. Act VII.— The divorce court exposes. (Curtain). Young Football Player : ‘ Say, if you hit me, papa, I’ll have you ruled off for slugging !’ Father : ‘ Who’ll do it ?’ * Mamma. She’s the referee, and what she says goes. See?’ Smythe : ‘ I dropped a cent in front of a blind beggar today to see if he’d pick it up.’ Thomson : ‘ Well, did he ?’ Smythe : ‘ No; he said, “ Make it a half-a-crown boss, and I’ll forget myself.” ’ Enthusiastic Professor of Physics (discussing the organic and inorganic kingdoms): ‘ Now if I should shut my eyes—so—and drop my bead—so—and should not move you would say I was a clod. But I move, I leap, I run, I hop—then what do you call me ?’ Voice from the rear : ‘ A clod-hop-per.’ Class is dismissed. ‘ Why, Jimmy,’ said one professional beggar to another, ‘ are you going to knock off already ? It’s only two o’clock.’ ‘ No, you mutton head,’ responded the other, who was engaged in unbuckling his wooden leg , * I’m only going toput it on the other knee. You don’t suppose a fellow can beg all day on the same leg, do you ?’ The Tramp’s Revenge.—Sour-faced Woman : ‘ You get right out of here or I’ll call my husband.’ Tramp : ‘ Y’r husband ain’t at home.’ Sour-faced woman : ‘How do you know he ain’t ?’ Tramp : ‘ I’ve alters noticed, mum, that w’en a man is married to a woman wot looks like you he never is at home except at meal time.’ Aunt Jessie : * Wish Mr Happiman good morning, dear. You know he will soon be your uncle.’ The fiance : ‘ Good morning, little sweetness ! Did you have pleasant dreams ?’ Florrie : ‘ No, sir. I dreamed there was a big locomotive shrieking by the side of me. An’ then I woked up, and it was nothin’ but Aunt Jessie snoring.’ ‘ Buckle my shoe, Egbert,’ said a belle to her near-sighted fiance. Egbert went down on his knees like a true knight, but, as he had lost his eyeglass, his vision was a little uncertain. ‘ls this your foot, darling ?’he inquired. ‘Yes.’ ‘ Aw, pawdon—l—thought it was the lounge.’ Egbert is now disengaged. Candidate (in chemist’s shop (of prohibition town) ‘ Come, gentleman, walk right up to the prescription counter. One and all, gents ; it’s my treat. Here, Mr Drug Clerk, plenty of patients for ye. Now, gentlemen, name y’r diseases and the clerk will mix y’r medicine.’ POESY. Oh, Minnie! You’re a ripper, You’re a wild and woolly skipper. You're the girl to kick your slipper Up Into the very skies. You have captured the persimmon. You have squeezed the yaller lemmon. You’re a waving of your penon At the gate of Paradise. Mr de Seiner (on being introduced to Adored One’s Mother) : ‘ Pardon me, madam, but have we not met before? Your face seems strangely familiar.’ Adored One’s Mother : ‘ Yes ; I am the woman who stood up before you for fourteen blocks in a street car the other day, while you sat reading a paper.’

The Judge : ‘ How can you swear the handkerchief is yours ?’ Plaintiff: ‘By the colour.’ The Judge : ‘ But I have one exactly like it.’ Plaintiff: • That does not astonish me ; I had several stolen. ’