MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 7, 13 February 1892, Page 168

MISCELLANEOUS.

‘ There is one man in the world that is invariably bound to rise.’ ‘ What one is that ?’ ‘ The man who sits on a tack.’

She (on the river) : *Oh how delightful it would'be to drift on like this for ever and ever.’ He (who has hired the boat) : * Not at a shilling an hour."

Jack: ‘I love you.’ Maud: ‘ How nice !’ Jack: ‘But lam poor.’ Maud : ‘ How romantic !’ Jack : • Yet I want you to be my wife. ’ Maud : • How stupid !' Precocious Child : ‘ Papa, what is humbug ?’ Parent (with a deep-drawn sigh): ‘lt is, my dear, ’when your mamma pretends to be fond of me, and puts no buttons on my shirt.’ ‘ If—if you only knew what the bill was for,’ sobbed the young wife, ‘ you would b be ashamed to scold so about it.’ ‘ What was it for ?' demanded John. ‘My birthday present for you,’ said the sad little wife. ‘ In concluding my remarks on this non alcoholic beverage in front of ns, I may say that it looks like gin, smells like brandy, tastes like whisky, and we call it rum. What more do you want ?’ ‘ 1 hear Bronson sang “ Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep,” at the concert.’ ‘ Yes.’ ‘ Did he do it well ?’ ‘He did indeed. It was so vivid that five people left the hall overcome with sea-sickness.’

First Theatre-Goer : ‘ How was the new play last night f Second Theatre-Goer (enthusiastically): ‘Grand! They had a big tank of genuine water, and one of the supers got drowned.'

Judge : ‘ You attacked this gentleman. Y’ou knocked him down and robbed him of his watch.’ Prisoner: ‘ Your honor is right; but if I had not taken the initiative, who can tell but that he might not have done the same to me ?' Briggs: ‘I had a dickens of a time to-day.’ Braggs: ‘ What was it ?’ Briggs : ‘ Just for fun I shook my fist at a blind begger across the street, and he chased me three streets and up a court before I could get away.’ ‘ Vgh,’ exclaimed Brown, ‘ I believe I shall freeze to death ; but I’ve got to die some time,’ he added, ‘and I might as well die that way as any other.’ ‘ Much better,’ replied Fogg, consolingly, ‘ you’ll have such an excellent chance to thaw out on the other side, you know.’ ‘My wife has a saving disposition,’ said Hicks. ‘ When we got our upright piano she made a red plush cover for it, so that the rosewood wouldn’t get scratched. Then she covered that with a sort of linen duster arrangement so as to save the plush. I tell you, women have great big minds. His Diagnosis.—Dr. Mixwell (who has asked Mrs Whiffet to put out her tongue) : ‘ You say your husband is very nervous and irritable ?’ Mrs Whiffet ; • Yes ; terribly so. But I'm not ill.’ Dr. Mix well (calmly I: ‘I think I’ll, prescribe a long sea voyage.’ ‘ For John ?’ No ; for you.’ Quite Willing now He Should be a Fireman.—Husband (to wife): ‘ Maria, I had my life insured in your favour for ■'■’2o,ooo to-day.’ Wife (delightedly) : ‘ You are a dear, good man, Harry ; and now you can join the fire department if you wish to. ’

Prominent citizen, rushing into Oklahoma hotel: ‘ Tanner, your little son Theobald, who is over at his aunt’s got his uncle’s gun down just now an’ shot Preacher Harps in the leg !’ Landlord Tanner, proudly, to recently arrived tenderfoot : • Only think, stranger—the little feller is not quite five years old !’

Young Once Himself.—Aunt Sally, a Connecticut lady (to little Charlie, her bright little nine-year-old nephew from Boston, who has entered the parlour just in time to see her alighting from Mr Pigeontoe's knee):. ‘ What do you want in here, anyway ?’ Little Charlie : ‘Do not let my presence cause you uneasiness, dearest aunt. I have not forgotten that I was young once myself.’ Not Right.—• Bridget,' said a young housekeeper who was fresh from college, ‘it would be useless for me to disguise the fact that your ignorance of grammar is very marked. Let me try to correct you. For instance, does it sound right for me to say : “ Bridget, you've been a-settin' in the draw in room ?” ’ ‘ No, ma'am,’ said Bridget frankly, but with evident surprise—* no, ma’am, it don’t sound right; but I were only a-settin' there the mather of a half hour or so wid my cousin Terence, who is just over. I s'pose that second girl has been a-tattlin’.’