MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 6, 6 February 1892, Page 144

MISCELLANEOUS.

Horrified Mother : ‘ I should like to know how you happened to let young Simpkins kiss you ?’ Daughter : ‘ I—l thought no one was looking.' She : ‘ How much do you love me ?’ He : ‘ More than T can tell. Why, I couldn’t love you more if every one of those freckles were a gold piece.’ Algernon : ‘ Tommy, do you think your sister would marry me?’ Tommy: ‘Yes. She’d marry almost anybody from what she said to ma.’

.. '-Speaking of shaving,’ said a pretty girl to an obdurate old bachelor, • I should think that a pair of handsome eyes would be the best mirror to shave by. ’ ‘ Yes, many a poor fellow has been shaved by them,’ the wretch replied. Mamma (after the elderly visitor had gone away) : ‘ You shouldn’t have run out of the room when Miss Oldsbj- tried to take you on her lap, Willie. She was not going to harm you.' Willie: ‘She wasn’t, hey? She had her mouth puckered all ready for it, anyhow.’ Sympathetic Old Lady (to convict): ‘Ah, my unfortunate friend, your fate is indeed a hard one ; and, as she thinks of you here in this dreadful place, how your wife must suffer.’ Convict (very much affected): ‘ Wh-which one, mum ? I’m here for bigamy.’ Conjugal Scene Between Monsieur and Madame de Bondamousse.—‘ Why,’ said the husband, ‘do you put the hair of another woman on your head?’ ‘ Why,’retorted his better half, ‘ do you wear the skin of another calf on your hands ?’ Mrs Green (to young physician, whom she has called in haste! : ‘ Oh. doctor ! doctor ! I fear you have made a terrible mistake ! My daughter had that prescription, which you sent her last night, filled, and took a dose of the medicine. Now she exhibits every symptom of poisoning. Oh ’ Young physician : ‘ Prescription, madam? Why, that was an offer of marriage !’ ‘ This morning,’ writes a Sunday-school teacher, ‘ I gave the children a little talk about their souls. When I had done I thought I would ask them a few questions to see if they understood what I had told them. So I began -. “What did the Almighty give us besides our bodies?” Perhaps you can imagine what my emotions were when they instantly responded : “ Laigs !” ’ A missionary had been instilling into a certain African king the virtues of sobriety, gentleness, and the like. ‘ Well,’ said bis majesty, ‘ I like you ; you seem good and amiable. I’ll make yon my head man.’ ‘ But,’returned the missionary, delighted that he had appeared to make an impression, ‘ what will you do with my predecessor?’ ‘ Oh, eut off his head,’ replied the king, ‘ and then he won’t bother us !’ Very Bad Policy.—Lady of the House (to her friend) : ‘ What do you suppose has happened ? At the last ball my Elsa made the acquaintance of a young man who was obviously interested. He was a good match, and I sent him frequent invitations to dinner ; and, as I knew he was a great gourmand, I employed the best cook that was to be had.’ Her friend: ‘And your plan succeeded?" ‘Well, not exactly. The villain found out and married my cook.' ‘ I could gaze at the moon for hours, Mr Sampson,' she said, in a voice full of sweetness and pneumonia; ‘I couldn’t tire of it.’ ‘ Ah,’ he responded, ‘ would that I were the man in it!’ Yes, so do I,’ she assented softly. ‘ Why, Miss Simper ?’ he asked, getting ready to take her hand. ‘ Because, Mr Sampson,’ she said, shyly veiling her eyes with their long lashes, ‘ you would be three hundred thousand miles away !’ Borem : ‘ Still living in Richmond, eh ?’ Hustler : ‘ Yes, I have no thought of coming back to the city.’ Borem . ‘ But it must be very inconvenient, forty minutes by train every day, and you've got to catch it on the minute.’ Hustler : ‘ That’s what I like about it. You see when people buttonhole me and fall to talking all I have to do is to jerk out my watch, mutter something about train time, and I get away without giving offence. See ?’ Borem : ‘ Ha, ha '. That’s good. That reminds me of a little thing Sapbead was telling last—’ Hustler : ‘ By the way, it’s train time now. Ta ta !’