MISCELLANEOUS

New Zealand Graphic, Volume IX, Issue 5, 30 January 1892, Page 120

MISCELLANEOUS

‘Doctor,’ said Mrs Worrit, ‘is it really true that many people are buried alive?’ ‘None of my patients ever are,’ replied Dr. Graves. ‘ I suppose the baby is a delicate pink—eh, Bronson ?’ ‘ No. He’s a robust yeller,’ replied the proud and sleepy father. ‘ Beware of vanity, my boy. The birds of gaudy plumage do not make the best eating.' ‘No, indeed. The parrot never gets into the soup.’ A coloured philosopher is reported to have said : ‘ Life, my breddern, am nros’ly made up of prayin' for rain and then wishin’ it would cl'ar off.’ ‘ What’s the difference between a Prohibitionist and an old toper ?’ ‘ Why, the latter is full of drams and the former of scruples.’ Excusable. —Young Mother : ‘ Horrors ! Here’s an account in the paper of a woman who sold her baby for 10 cents.’ Young Father (wearily): ‘Perhaps it was teething.’ ‘ Isaac,' whispered Rachel, ‘ voufd you go through vire for me?' ‘ Yaiz, I vould,’ returned Isaac, kissing his fiancee heartily. ‘ Dot is, I vould ohf I vas insured.’ ‘ Papa, why does the drum major of a band wear that big thing on his head ?’ ‘ Because the natural size of his head is not equal to the occasion, my son.' American Hostess : ‘ I wonder why women never fight duels. lam sure they get angry enough. ’ Foreign Visitor : ‘ Zey know nozzing of weapons, madame. Zey would hurt each ozaire.’ A Veteran Soldier is Relating the Story of His < 'AMPAIGNS.— ‘ On that terrible day we lost our brave Captain, whose head was carried oft’ by a cannon ball. His last words were, “ Bury me where I fell.” ’ A lady once consulted St. Francis of Sales on the lawfulness of using rouge. ‘XVell,’said the saint, ‘some pious men object to it, others see no harm in it, but I hold the middle course so you may use it on one cheek. Cut and Come Again.—Beggar : ‘ Please sir, won’t you give me a dollar to buy some medicine for me sick wife ?’ Gentleman : ‘ See here ! Only a day or two ago you said your wife was dead and you needed money to bury her.’ Beggar: ‘ Yes. This is another one. ’ The Latest Bernhardt Joke.—As twogentlemen were passing the Theatre Francaise they observed a man carrying a shotgun into the building. ‘1 wonder what that is for?’ remarked one of them. ‘That gun,’ replied the other, looking down the barrel, ‘is for Sarah. She makes her toilet in it.’ ‘Shortening a Call.—Mother: My dear, when ladies call on you, you should not spend the whole time talking about your music, as you did this morning.’ Daughter : ‘ But, mother, the callers this morning were married ladies and if I hadn’t kept them on music, they would have got started talking about their babies, and they wouldn't be through yet - ’ A Sinecure. —A certain physician, who has not got much practice, hired a small coloured boy to accompany him on his visits and hold the horse. ‘ How does yer like yer new place ?’ asked the boy’s mother when he came home on Saturday night. ‘ I likes it fusrate. XV'e neber has to stop at de houses at all, like de udder doctors. I jess gits all de ridin’ I wants,’ was the reply. Jane (coming up the stairs to missus): ‘ I should feel extremely obliged, inarm, if you would do me a little favour.' Missus (who knows the value of an inferior ‘general’): ‘ Well, Jane, what is it?’ ‘I hardly know what to say, inarm.' ‘Well, of course, I can’t comply until I know.*' ‘XVell, marm, my young man is at the back door; and I thought, perhaps, you would be so very kind as to speak with him for a few minutes while I run up-stairs and make myself presentable.’ New Form of the Green-Eyed Monster.—Lady Friend (to Mrs Newlywed): • XVhy do I find you so down cast, Maud ?’ Mrs Newlywed : ‘ Oh, it’s because I saw my Harry kiss something beside me this morning.’ Lady Friend (condolingly): ‘Poor Maud! Do tell me all about it.’ Mrs Newlywed : ‘ XVell, I happened to be looking out of the window this morning just as my Harry boarded a tram, and don’t you think the saucy fellow smiled at me and then kissed his hand, and—oh! boo-hoo ! —Jennie, you don't know how j-jealous I am of that h hand !’