MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume VIII, Issue 50, 12 December 1891, Page 692

MISCELLANEOUS.

Sick Wife : ‘ If I die, John, you will never marry again, will you!’ John (with unnecessary earnestness): ‘No, indeed !’

Nurse Girl: ‘Why don’t ye put that brat to sleep an have a good time while yer in the park ?’ Ex-Nurse Girl : ‘lt’s me own.’

Collector : ‘ How many times do you wish me to call for this money !’ Debtor : •My dear sir, you need never call again. I shall not be offended.’ Young Man (to servant): ‘ls Miss Clara engaged ?’ Servant : ‘ Hiving rist yer sowl, soir, I hope she is. She’s in the parlour now wid a young man’s arm twice round her waist. ’

The Judge : ‘ How old are you, madam ?’ Witness : ‘ I have no personal knowledge of my age, and hearsay testimony, I understand, is not accepted in this court.’ A dangerous medicine was praised by a lady, who advised many to take it. ‘ I know many who praise it to the skies.’ ‘No doubt, madam, for it has sent many to the skies to praise it.’ ‘ This is a very healthy place,’ observed a boarding house mistress. ‘Yes—for chickens,’ said a boarder; ‘I have been here two years and haven’t seen a dead one yet.’ She took the hint.

Young Doctor (on his wedding tour) : ‘ Wifey, dear, just look at that peculiar blending of colours in the sky. The cloud overhanging yonder peak is exactly the colour of a diseased liver.’

She Took him at his Word. —He (11.45 p.m.): ‘ Why, I’d do anything in the world for you !’ She (yawning) : ‘ You will! Then for heaven's sake sneak home. I'm sleepy.’ ‘ Young man,’ said an apostle solemnly, ‘ do you realise when you retire at night that you may be called before the morning dawns!’ ‘Yes, sir,' responded the young man, ‘ I realise it fully. I am the father of a three weeks’ old baby.’ ‘ Take Care !’—Polly : ‘ So you are really and truly engaged—how did it come about !' Patsy : ‘ Well, papa said he didn’t care, mamma said she didn’t care, Jack he didn’t care, and I’m sure I did’nt care, so we became engaged.’ Mrs Blossom ( to ’bus conductor) : * Why didn’t you stop the ’bus when I waved my hand at you the first time !’ Conductor : ‘ I didn’t know you wanted to ride, ma’am.’ Mrs Blossom : ‘ What did you suppose I was waving my hand for!’ Conductor : ‘ I thought you were trying to mash me.’

‘ What’s the matter with the boneless wonder ?’ asked the fat woman. ‘He seems down on his luck.’ ‘lt’s a love affair,’answered the living skeleton. ‘He proposed to the two-headed girl yesterday, and one of ’em accepted him and the other refused him. No wonder he’s all broke up.’

Incontrovertible. —‘And so you’re married, Bridget!’ ‘ Yes, mum.’ ‘What does your husband do!’ ‘ An’sure, mum, he is a railroad doiiector.’ ‘A railroad director! That’s a very important position. Aie you quite sure it is that !’ ‘ Faith, an’ doesn’t he shtand all day at the railroad directing people to the carnages.’ Irish Wit.—Englishman : ‘ Pardon me, sir, but where do you come from ?' Paddy : ‘ From County Cork.’ Englishman : ‘Then that accounts for your btogue.’ Paddy: ‘ May lax where you come from !’ Englishman (proudly): ‘From Worcester, sir.’ Paddy: ‘Then that accounts for your sauce.’ Little gill (looking over advertising page): ‘Mamma, why do all these boarding houses object to children !' Fond Mamma; ‘ I'm sure 1 don't know. Go see what the baby is yelling about ami tell Johnny to stop throwing things at people in the street, and make George and Kate stop fighting and tell Dick if he doesn't stop banging that Chinese gong so hard I'll take it away from him.