MISCELLANEOUS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume VIII, Issue 35, 29 August 1891, Page 332

MISCELLANEOUS.

Ax enterprising physician in California advertises :—‘ I will pay half the funeral expenses in cases where 1 am not successfuL’ Watts : * Wonder why they always call a locomotive “ she ?’’ ’ Potts : * Maybe it is on account of the horrible noise it makes when it tries to whistle.’ a just rebuke. He was going to kiss her: just then be sneezed. The which she didn't seem pleased at: * Td have you know. sir. a kiss from me Is something that's not to be sneezed at.' Reminded of His Nuptial Vow.—The Wife (3 a.m.): * When you married me did you not promise to love, cherish, and protect me ?’ The Husband (sleepily) : ‘Yes.’ The Wife : ‘ Well, then, get up, light the gas, and kill that mosquito.’ As Far as She Would Go.—Dolley : • Will you marry me, Amy ?* Amy : No ; but I ’ Dolley (interrupting): ‘Oh, don’t get off that “ be-a-sister-to-me ” chestnut!” Amy : ‘ I don’t intend to. What I was about to say is that 1 don’t mind being engaged to you.’ Didx’t Fancy the Light.—‘Yon are the light of my life,’ she said to him as she told him good-night at the front door. • Put out that light,’ growled her father at the head of the stairs, and the front door slammed. False Alarm.—Stranger (excitedly, to maid who answers the bell): ‘ Quick ! quick ! your master’s ill ! I saw him at the window, gasping, and throwing up his head, and clutching at his mouth—and —’ Susan : ‘ Ob, ’tain’t nothing o’ that sort ! He was licking a postage stamp, and it’s stuck to the roof of his mouth I’ Jack : ‘ I don’t see why you girls shouldn’t hustle around like the rest of us and do things for yourselves '. You could save lots of money by making your own hats and gowns. ’ Laura : ‘ I’d just fike to know*what you do for yourself ’’ Jack : ‘I ? Why, I've been making my own cigarettes ever since the Ist of January.’ A Difference.—Husband : ‘ I think I can have this hat blocked so that it will do this winter.’ Wife: ‘Yes; of course. You are a sensible fellow.' Husband: ‘ And you can make your hat do, too, by having— ’ Wife : ‘ Indeed ! Do you think I will wear a last winter’s hat ? You are the most foolish man I ever saw.’ Gallantry.—A Frenchman’s gallantry to ladies is said to be always equal to an emergency. At a party a gentleman of that race stepped heavily upon the toe of a lady who looked np with an angry frown. ‘ Pardon, madame." he said, bowing low ; ‘ but I have forgot to bring my microscope.’ • Yonr microscope?’ ‘ But yes ; for to see ze leetle feet of madame ” A Nice Husband.—‘ How is your husband • I suppose he is quite well, but I cannot say positively that he is. We have not spoken for several weeks.’ ‘ Good gracious ! Have you quarrelled f ‘ Oh, no ; we are the best of friends, I believe, but, you see, he is engaged in playing a game of chess by telegraph.’ She was one of the prospective crop of sweet girl graduates, and he, stroking the first growth of down on Lis lip, had been worsted in an argument on the superiority of the sexes. By way of a final clincher she said : ‘ Look at the vessel, a sublime and grand creation. They always call a vessel ’‘she.’” ‘Well,’ said he ‘that's because she’s no good till she’s manned.’