ON THE WING

Fair Play, Volume I, Issue 16, 17 February 1894, Page 20

ON THE WING

HIS DEEAMS. The boss claims that, unaided by scientific research, he is perfectly capable of drawing a life-like picture of the presumably extinct moa. He states that every night at twelve o’clock since the decision of Judge Eichmond, this interesting bird has perched upon his chest, and

waved in front of his agonised sight a long bill of costs labelled Bell v. Fair Play. We may remark, parenthetically, that the boss has not been well lately, and that the doctor has ordered stimulants.

A clear prophecy of railways is given in Nahum ii——4.:—“ The chariots shall rage in the streets; they shall jostle one against the other in the broad ways; they shall seem like torches; they shall run Uke lightnings.” Smith: “I hear your friend Eobinson has joined the Good Templars. How is he getting on?” Brown: “ Oh, I can assure you he is quite intoxicated . Smith: “ Oh, dear, oh dear 1 lam sorry to hear that .” Brown: “ Yes, quite intoxicated with his own sobriety.” Mr. Jones (to his next door neighbour): “ Good morning, Mrs. Moriarty: I hear your husband has gone away this morning as a delegate to the Temperance Convention.” Mrs. Moriarty (interrupt* ing): “ Delioat, did you say, Mister Jones ? Begorra, if ye had seen the big plateful av ham and eggs he scoffed fur breakfast before he wint, the divil a bit delicat wud ye’s think him.” Typhoid is pretty bad at Onehunga. The old hands of the Borough Council say its a judgment on the ratepayers for having elected a lady Mayor.

“ Mr. Bell has joined the Hunt Club.” Now we see infinite possibilities in this simple statement and as we have a number of friends members of that institution we feel it our duty as a guardian of public interests to warn the members of that Society to adopt a system of reserve in his presence or that of his friends unless they are prepared to meet the possibility of annoying and expensive litigation. Mr. Bell, for all we know, may be a perfect centaur, or he may be a man who would ride clean on to the hounds; he may be an enthusiast who would take a hedge with water on the other side, or—and it is just as possible—he might trot half a mile to find a gate or a fordable spot. We have never seen Mr. Bell ride and consequently we are not a competent critic, still we are assured that whether he is a rider or not, whether he knows the difference between a horses’ withers and his off fore frog or whether he could tell a good hunter sound in wind and limb from a spavin-jointed, knock-aneed, brokenwinded hack, there is not the slightest possible doubt that he will think himself “ well up ” on the whole matter, and the man who comments adversely on his riding or his judgment, will do well to have a long purse and a clever barrister at Ms command, as he may have to come before one of the Supreme Court Judges and satisfactorily prove that Mr. Bell funked a fence, or waded a brook, and above all things it will be wise not to excuse any of his mistakes by attributing his actions to undue “ exhilaration;” that would be particularly dangerous. It is best to remember that anything Mr. Bell does or says is well and wisely done or said —it is a trait that runs in the Bell family. It will always be better to take Mr. Bell’s own estimate of himself as the correct one, therefore we have improvised a little chant for the benefit of his acquaintances. Bead, learn, and inwardly digest, then cut it out and past it in your hat. (To be sung with a staccato movement.) I’m an orator, a rider, and a lawyer, And everything I do, I do it well, If I wanted to, I’d make a perfect sawyer Although I am a howling toffy swell. I’ve family and elegance and *• boodle,” And do just what I always want to do; The man who fights me must be quite a noodle, To buck against an autocratic Jew. In Wellington I'm the toad in the puddle, At opposition I can twirl my thumbs; And even if I make a beastly muddle, There’s always for my toadies lots of crumbs. But look out how you oriticise my action, My money bags and interests give me power, The papers daren’t refuse me satisfaction And my juries will convict in half an hour. Chorus. So in Wellington I’m pretty near a king; I can trample on the rights of honest men, At justice I can laugh and have my fling) If it doesn’t Buit you, amply “ git out ’’ then.

A rather amusing incident occurred just outside the Club hotel on Sunday evening about half-past six o’clock, which goes far to prove that whatever King Dick goes in for he does thoroughly, and also evolved the fact that His Majesty has latent sporting instincts, which when once aroused lead him to extremes that make him forget everyfrhink but the fun on hand. At the time mentioned Seddon and a political friend were leisurely walking down the Quay, when suddenly three rats ran across the pathway. Up went Dick’s umbrella as its owner dashed after the quarry, and after a few seconds rodent number one was dead; a like fate overtook number two in the middle of the roadway; and number three rushed into the hotel pursued by the excited sportsman, who was heartily cheered by the crowd that had gathered. What its ultimate fate was we are unable to chionicle. Whether the Premier’s action was guided entirely by a love of sport, or whether it was intended to inculcate some great political lesson, we are at a loss to say; however it is a well-known fact that Seddon has a “down” on political “rats” and on “ratting” in general, and it is just possible that he wished to treat the public to an allegorical expression of his opinions and that the rats had heen held in leash and freed on his approach. The last rat perhaps was a trained one and rushed into the hotel so as to afford the Premier an artistic exit. The action that we have recorded only goes further to prove that it is quite possible for a man to be “ exhilarated” by other than a surfeit of alcoholic liquors or even a single whiskey and soda. We hope the usual “ blank ” state of mind didn’t follow. Constable McCormack will compete in the sports at Dunedin. He has been suffering for the last few days with a sprained wrist and swollen hand caused by a bad fall, but he hopes to be all right when called on to sling the hammer for the honour of Wellington. The Licensed Victualler’s Gazette stigmatises the verdict of the jury in the Bell v. Fair Play case as “ wrongheaded, perverse, and a disgrace to the colony,” and continues that it will remain “as a notable instance of the stupidity of the average jury.” Thanks, “ them s our sentiments.” Mr. James Lawson, the well known furniture manufacturer and importer, of Sydney, left by the Tasmania for Australia on Saturday evening. Mr. Lawson has been travelling through New Zealand partly on pleasure and partly on business. He states as a result of his trip his opinion is that although New Zealand may be on a sounder financial basis than New South Wales, and perhaps, comparatively speaking, enjoying better times, still trade here is partially paralysed, capitalists hesitate to invest, and such transactions as axe carried on are so petty that they are just sufficiently large enough to keep trade alive. He deprecates the conservatism of commerce, and is of opinion that a little more healthy commercial speculation would liven things up.

We spoke in the last issue of the absent-mindedness of the sub-editor, and expressed a hope that it was only temporary. Alas, the shook of an adverse decision in the case of Bell v. Fair Play has preyed upon his mind to that extent that he has become 4 physical and moral wreck. With a vain hope of recovery he turned to alcoholic stimulants, and on Monday morning when he arrived at the office his head appeared as above. He is now under treatment.

The Galley Whiskey which has been introduced into New Zealand by means of Messrs Philips and Pyke is rapidly finding favour with consumers of whiskey here. The liquor had a great run in Australia, especially in Victoria and New South Wales. If one calls for Galley V’hiskey and really gets it, he can be assured of good spirits, the great difficulty is that so many of the local publicans fill bottles which have contained this and other brands with draught whiskey and sell it over the counter as the genuine stuff. It wasn’t before Martin I “ You’re a nuisance sir, said the irritable magistrate to the cheeky witness, and if you don’t take care I’ll commit youl ” "Hardly consistent with the decorum of this honourable court, your Worship, to commit a nuisance here,” suggested the cheeky witness. “ Silence in the Court.” shouted the crier, and there fell upon the place a silence you could have cut with a knife. Freddy Weston, the genial sub of the Post, has gone away to Auckland where he is to wed a sister of Mr. Geddes, of the Observer. We wish the pair all future happiness. Holidays are not frequent with pressmen. The average newspaper man only gets one when he marries or is buried. There was a lovely sight the other day at a certain big building in Wellington where the creme de la creme love to congregate and talk about these blarsted Radical papers don’t-cher-know." One of the company had dined “ not wisely but too well,” and it was an "exhilarating ” sight to witness his attempts to open a grape with the nut crackers 1 He ought to change his tipple from whiskey and soda to tea 1

Those two whiskies and soda which Mr. Bell admitted in his evidence to taking daily, seems to have had an effect on the sub-editor, who, under the influence of a purely Barmeoides “exhilaration,” when asked for copy responded with the following:— “ X COULD DO WITH A BIT.” (To be sung with dreamy softness.) I was sitting in the office, with a forty horse-power thirst, For the weather I may tell you was about as hot as And although I tried to work, my aohing head seemed like to burst, And I couldn’t help but think of those two daily drinks of Bell. Spoken.—The gurgle of the whisky, the fizz of the soda, the “ Here’s Luok 1" of the Oracle of Wellington, all rose before me and unconsciously I hummed. — I could do, could do, could do, could do, could do with a bit, I could do, could do, could do. could do, could do with a bit, The dream] appeared so nioe, that I thought once or twice, I could do with a little very well. Rudyard Kipling, we read in a Home paper, is enlarging the house he has built for himself in the States. Well, it's only a case of “that another Storey ! ” We are in a position to state that the rumoured transfer of Inspector Pender to another station is without foundation. One of our representatives called on the Inspector and he denied any knowledge of the supposed trausfer. He furthermore empowered our representative to state that had such a change' been contemplated he would probably have heard of it and he thought it more than improbable. In reviewing the American racing season of 1893, a writer in the columns of Baity's Magazine pays the following high tribute to the son of the expatriated Sir Modred:—“ The last horse worthy of special notice is, perhaps, the most remarkable one in the country ; I allude to Dr. Hasbrouclc, by Sir Modred from Sweetbriar. In this five-year-old we have a truly wonderful sprinter. At five and six furlongs he seems capable of winning under any weight, and has run five furlongs in 57 secs., and six furlongs in 1 min. 12 secs. He has also won races at a mile, but he excels on a shorter course, and I feel very confident that in the Wokingham at Ascot or the Stewards' Cup at Goodwood it would puzzle the best sprinter in England to give him weight.” On November 27th, S. Emmett and W. Haines had a race over the championship course from Putney to Mortlake for £SO a side. Emmett, who hails from Wandsworth, has taken part in many contestsas also has Haines, who comes from Old Windsor, and is better known as the exchampion professional punter than as a sculler. Neither are more than secondclass, and do not appear likely to improve. The race in question was a very

stubborn one to Hammersmith, first one and then the other leading. Off the Soap Works, owing to Haines being out of his water, there was a foul, but Emmett cleared himself and passed under Hammersmith Bridge a length and a half a head, in Bmin. 85seo. From there he did as he liked, and won easily by two lengths in the very good time of 22min. 12seo. A. strong tide was running up, and the loser started favourite at 18 to 8 on.