WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 124, Issue 20786, 22 April 1939, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

OH, LADIES ! Peggy: You must not believe all that ’ou hear about me. 1 Angela: That is what I always tell : Kiople who speak badly of you.” A PUT AWAY Small Girl 'to Customs official. ;earching her mother’s case) : Oh-h-h, mu're getting warm, isn't he, mummy AN OMISSION Overheard at the academy. “Why don't you like the pictures?” "They've forgotten to put jokes jnder therrx,” WELL—YES ! Scotch Customer: A spur, please. Saddler: You want a pair of spurs. Customer: Why? If I make one-half of the horse go, the other must go with it. HEADLINES AND FACTS “All our life,” says a woman writer, “we've been hearing that the world is just on the verge of falling to pieces, and every morning we get up and look out the window, and there it is.” SWAPPING MASKS "Yep, I had a beard like your once, but when I realised ho wit made me look, I cut it off." "Well, 1 had a face like yours once, and when I realised that I couldn’t cut it off I grew this beard.” MEASURED A Scotsman and an Englishman were having dinner together when the Sassenach inquired: “What's the difference between a Scotsman and a fool ?” The Scotsman answered, "Jist the braidth o' the table.” THE SCENTED AIR ; “On my allotment I can always tell ■ the way the wind is blowing, although 1 have no weather vane.” j “f»h. how do you do it?” “Unite simple. To the north there i -1 gasworks, to the south a rubber I factory, to the west a tannery, and tc | the east a soap works.” AT A DISADVANTAGE ! After several unsuccessful attempt* | to draw her husband into conversatior j at restaurant the wife discoverer Hio cause of his abstraction to be ; \ beautiful girl dressed in black an seated at a nearby table. “An attractive widow,” observer the wife, coolly. “Yes. indeed, a very attractive widow,” agreed the husband, enthusi asti rally, “Yes,” sighed the wife. “I wish were one.”

□ ■■■ ■ ■ INSPIRED “When you can't think, go for a long walk,” advises someone, probably a shoe manufacturer. fl NO TIME TO WASTE “He said he would give his life for me.” t “Then if I were you, I should marry ( him at once; his life is insured for £1000.” SAFETY FIRST “A fine hunting dog, that —remarkably intelligent!” “Yes, I’ve noticed he gets behind a tree whenever you shoot.” I BOTH SIDES j “Your wife sings like a lark.’* “Yes, and nags like a magpie.’* THE LENGTH “How long is my sausage going to I be, waiter?” demanded the impatient j diner. “Four and a-half inches, sir.” j A COMIC “A comet is a star with a tail,” said ! teacher, giving the class a lesson about the stars. “Can anyone name a comet?” “Yes, miss” cried one little lad, "Mickey Mouse!” t THE END “Mummy,” came the voice of a little girl. “Yes, dear?" I “You know that vase that you said e had been handed down from generation to generation?” a ••yes “ "Well, this generation has dropped e it!” THE POWER OF LOVE II “Poor old Fred seems to have got h it badly.” "What's he been doing now?” "Why ever since he got engaged to e the vicar’s daughter he’s been wearing •r i his collars the wrong way round, and o now he's having stained-glass windows put in his new car!” ULTIMATUM ts m A young man who had sot his deal : gree had been looking around for a a :job. id Entering an office lie asked to see the manager. While wait ng said ‘d to the office boy: “J>o you suppose there is any opening here for a l nive versity graduate?” ,i- “Well, there will be,” was the reply, “if the boss doesn’t raise my sal - I ary ten shillings a week by to-mor-row 1”

A BTG JOB Doctor: What you need is twice as much strenuous exercise. Patient: Here, have a heart, doctor! I’m a professional footballer. SO SIMPLE Panic-stricken cashier entering office) : Mrs Brown, where's the safe gone ? Charlady: Two nice young men came for it last night after you leftThey’re bringing the new one along this morning at 11 o'clock, if that'll he convenient for you-

A GOOD WAY s Mistress: Good gracious, Annie, what’s all this mess in the oven? •! Mad: I dropped the candles in the water, ma’am, so I put them into the oven to dry. PLAIN e Father: First of all. my boy, realise n that my time Is limited. Secondly, 1 say what you want. Thirdly, he g short. It i Son: Well, dad, firstly I do. Secondly, 3 do. Thirdly, I am!