WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 119, Issue 9817, 22 February 1936, Page 18 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

PUT IT BACK. “Don’t come down the ladder, Mike. I’ve taken it away.” Mike: “Well, put it back; I’m halfway down.” HEARD IT. Butler: “Your car is at the door, -sir.” Guest: “I know; I heard it knocking.” NEVER MEASURED. Customer: “Will the ■spaghetti I ordered be long?” Waitress: “We never measure it, sir.” NOT QUITE THE SAME. Irascible Father: “So you have tlis impertinence to want to become my son-in-law? ” Suitor: “Well, it’s not quite that, sir. As a matter of fact, 1 wanted to marry your daughter. THE BEER HAD GONE. The crack performer of the village cricket team iiad marie a very short stay at the wicket, and retired with an ignominious duck. "Ah!” said the curate, who captained the eleven, “you didn’t do so well as lest week, Henry.” “No,” agreed llcnry significantly, as he threw hi-s bat into a corner of the pavilion; “last week I stayed in and made 82, and then came out to ilnd that you fellows had drunk all tlie beer.” HONESTY AND SAGACITY. “My boy,” said Die magnate to liis son: “there arc Iwo things llml, are vitally necessary if you succeed in business.” “What are they, dad?” “Honesty and sagacity." “What is honesty?” “‘Always— llo matter what happens or how adversely it may affect you—always keep your word once you have given ii.” “And sagacity?” “Never give it.’*

WHICH ONE? “There are twenty girls in my office, but I’ve never kissed one of them.” “Which one is that?” A USE FOR BREAD. Teacher: “What is bread chiefly used for, Johnny?” Johnny: “Please, sir, bread is chiefly used to spread butter and jam on.” JUST LOOK AT IT! The new recruit passed an officer without saluting. “Here, my man,” called the officer, “do you see this uniform I'm wearing?” “Yes, sir; and Just look at (his thing they gave me.” ROSE IMMEDIATELY. “I remember,” said the returned traveller, ••witnessing a trial in a South American court when somebody threw a bomb at tlie judge.” “What happened?" said one of the listeners. “The court rose immediately,” replied tlie traveller, draining his glass. TOO WELL WRITTEN. lie was running a small hardware store in a newly-developed district and Hie wholesale dealers found him backward in payment of his accounts. They *enl him letter after letter, each more threatening than Hie last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him a sporting chance. “Now,” said Hie caller, “we must have a settlement. Why haven’t you sent us anything? Are things going badly?” "No; everything’s going fine. You needn’t worry. My bankers will guarantee me all right." “Then why haven’t you paid up?” “Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well got up that I’vc been copying them and sending them out lo some customers of mine who won’t pay up, and I’ve collected nearly all outstanding debts. 1 was only holding back because 1 fell, sure there must be a final letter, and 1 wanted to gel the series complete.”