WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 118, Issue 19663, 24 August 1935, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

MANY OF THEM. Visitor (at station): So you kept me waiting all this time. Didn't your master tell you how to recognise me? Chauffeur: Yes, sir; tout there are plenty of old, bald-headed buffers with red noses and flat feet. WHERE? “How do you think I’m shaping, caddie?” asked the soiling novice after hitting the ball a few yards in a lot of strokes. “Well, you're hitting it all right, tout not in the direction of tho hole.” "Hole? What hole?’

A MILK BOUND? The driver of the trackless tramcar had been stopped five times in less I than a hundred yards to pick up or I put down passengers. l-’cd up, lie shouted to his conductor: “What dost Mia’ inlnk this is, Bill? A bloomin’ milk round?” HAVE TO STOP. Ho (just home from the Golf Club): Hello, dear. Played rottenly to-day. Lost seven and six. She: You'll have to put a slop io going to the club If you’re going to lose all that in a day. NEARER HIS WORK. Boss: 1 eongral.iilale you on arriving; here dead on lime, and I hope you’ll ■ keep jt up. my lad. If you can do it . once \oii call a|wa.' s do il. i Roj : I’m nearer my work now. sir. j Wc'vc brought the bed downstairs. j

MISUNDERSTOOD. The sailor was taking a short cut across the golf links, on 'the way to i meet his best girl, when something i hit him. It was a golf ball. ! “ I-I-I shouted ‘ Fore! ’ " spluttered the owner of the hall, nervously. "Aye,” replied the Tar, "yer shouted ‘Fore!’ tout 'the confounded thing struck me aft! ” SIGN OF HEALTH. Jackie’s sister started using powder and rouge. One day Jackie said to | her: “Hi, sis, are rosy cheeks a sign of health?” “Yes, Jack. Why?” “Well,” replied Jackie, "you are more healthy on one side than the J other.” I lIE WANTED TO KNOW. Horace had taken a postal course in I chemistry and was very proud of his diploma. j One day lie contracted a sore throat, 'and, having prescribed for himself, he j took the result to the local chemist to ( have it made up. The druggist read it through twice, and then asked: “Is it a very large dog?" AN IMPORTANT SEAT. When "Moonshine Murdoch,” notorious Chicago thug, left Sing Sing Prison, Uncle Sam's electric bell recorded his passing in terms of units. Mrs Murdoch, now a wealthy widow;,, came to reside in an English village. Aware that this wealthy 'stranger had a secret past, and local scandalmongers decided to visit, and lo queslion her, particularly about tho "late husband." j "My laic husband,” she Informed I hern coldly, ‘occupied Hie seat of Ap- j plied Electricity at one of our large j public instilulious. Qualifying for this , pew.T,m| position trom early youth, | he .-iccepled and held it up to the time of Ills death t” l

NO USE FLEEING. j A man caught a hoy in his warden * stealing apples, and handed him to the police. As it was the boy’s first offence, the magistrate let him off. but iold him never to yield to such temptation again, adding: "You should have Mown from llic evil one.” "I did, sir," replied the hoy, “by l lie caught me before I got over the l fence!’' jj

j CANNOT SAY WITH FLOWERS. ! “The Browne woman yonder doesn’t seem to intend her husband getting tho idea lie’s boss in their house, eh? Have they been married long?" said Smytlio, referring to now neighbours, the husband obviously very much henpecked. “No, not very long,” Whyte lTpliSd. ■‘.lust long eunuch for Browne to learn Ihal, after marriage Ihjire are lots of things lie can’t say with flowers l”