WIT AMD HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 114, Issue 19052, 16 September 1933, Page 12 (Supplement)

WIT AMD HUMOUR

“Harry Is late again to-night,” sobbed Mrs Nubrlde, “and he knows well enough that I told him I wouldn’t speak to him for a week if he didn’t come home earlier.” “My dear child," said her mother. ‘•You arc very young yet, or you never would try that plan."

A VERY POOR PLAN. ‘

SHOWING HIS GRATITUDE.

Pat swaggered joyfully into the bar at the Lion and Mouse. • Hallo,” aslied Casey, “where have you been?” ‘ I’ve been along to the station to see my ma-in-law off," replied Pat. "What’s that on your hands?” said Casey. “They’re black.” “Oh, yes,” said the other merrily, “that is from the engine. I patted it when it took her off.”

USUAL.

An old lady walked Into a post office with a carefully-packed parcel. "Can this be sent by paper rates?" she asked. The postmistress took the parcel and examined it. “I’m sorry," she replied, “It cannot go by paper rates. You see, it must be open at both ends," "Well," said the old lady, “this is a pair of trousers I’m sending my son. They are open at both ends, aren’t they?” .

THE SACRIFICE.

Mrs Newedd was taking tea with a friend. "By the way,” she said, "did I tell you about Tony? The dear thing is going to give up smoking for me.” Her friend laughed. “How really old-fashioned 1" she replied. “Oh, il’s not quite that," said the oilier. "Tony says we can’t both afford to smoke."

WHEN “WIDER PLEASE," IS A PLEASURE.

" I wonder why Peok always goes to a lady dentist?" “ I suppose it seems good to hear a woman tell him to open his mouth instead of to shut it."

FOR THE RECORDS.

A polioe constable while on duty camo across a small boy wandering alone, and thought it well to take him for safety to the police station. Tho sergeant, wishing to enter details regarding tho caso In the station records, asked tho officer, ‘Where did you find tho child?” "In Nebuchadnezzar Street," promptly replied the officer. There was a prolonged pause; then Hie sergeant turned to the officer, saying. “How do you spell that?" Tin; two policemen pondered the mailer, and then the sergeant turned to the constable and said, “Take the hoy out and set him wandering again, hut this time in High Street.

“Even though his family have got rich very suddenly, that young fellow seems to have 'plenty of , common sense.” “Don’t let his mother hear you say that. She hates anything common." Guest (who has over-stayed his welcome) : Well, good-bye. I hope I haven’t kept you out of bed. Host (politely): That’s quite all right. We should have been getting up soon in any case. Railway-carriage Nuisance (who has been expressing his views on the serious state of things for the last hour) : I tell you the prospect is very threatening—the outlook is as black as Can be. Can you see one bright spot in the present situation, sir? Stranger: Yes, I get out at the next station. Her Father: Well, well, it’s a pleasure to meet my daughter’s fiance. I want you to make yourself right at home here. Her Fiance: Thinks awfully, but I think it would look better if I moved in after the ceremony.

RUBBER.

An Englishman was travelling in a tram-car in New York. Opposite him sat a woman nursing the ugliest baby he had ever seen. The baby was so ugly that the Englishman could not take his eyes off It. In desperation the mother leaned over and said: “Rubber," the term applied In America to people Who stare. “ Thank Heaven 1" eaid the Englishman. "I thought it was real.” IF SHE HAD THE TIME. " How nicely you’ve Ironed the clothes I" exclaimed the woman of the house to a riew girl she had just hired that morning. Then, glancing at tlic clothes, she .continued, in a tone of surprise: “But 1 see they are all your own things!” “Yes,” said tlic girl, pleasantly; “and ]’d do all yours like that if I had the time."

DISPROVED.

He: I have been trying to discover why a woman is so much more curious than a man. Why do you suppose it is, Miss Winnie? She: I don’t know, I’m sure. I’ve never been curious enough to inquire 1

FOOT AND ALL.

First Countryman: Hallo, Joe! Where be ye goln’ this time o’ morn? Second Countryman: I’m goin’ up along ’ospital see young Garge; got ’ave ’is log off. ’Aven’t ye ’eard? First Countryman: No I Ye don’t say I Got ’ave ’is les off? what, foot an’ all

OBVIOUS.

There was a bang, as of a doer being slammed—and a clatter, indicative of tennis racquet, etc., being flung , to the floor of the hall. Hubby entered the drawing-room. “Hallo, dear,” wifey smiled brightly, “How did you go on in the club tournament, then?” “How did I go on?" hubby exclaimed. “Willi courts like ploughed Holds, umpires who couldn't distinguish foot faults from foot salts, and—” “Ahi" wifey smiled "You lost?":