WIT AMD HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 114, Issue 18986, 1 July 1933, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AMD HUMOUR

A GOOD SHOT. The teacher was reading an essay which one of the boys had written on “Adventures In the Jungle." Presently she read out the following sentence: “I stood terrified for a moment, then took aim, and shot the mosquito through the heart." THE BOY WAS SAFE. The head of the house w?is reading a newspaper article very carefully. When he had come to the end, he remarked to his wife: — “ Do you know, dear, I think there s something in what the article says—that the cleverness of the father often proves a stumbling-block to the son.^ His wife heaved a sigh of relict. “Well, thank goodness," she said, “that our Bobby won’t have anything to fall over.” lIE KNEW. A little girl came Into the village drug store and said she wanted a bottle of oil, but had forgotten what kind. “ Is it the kind you put In sewing machines? ” asked the clerk. " No, the kind you put In babies,” she replied. So the clerk wrapped up a bott-e of castor oil. WELL TAUGHT. Genial Bachelor: Well, young man, one thing I notice Is that since you’ve married you always have buttons on your clothes. Young Man: Yes; Ellen taught me how to sew them on before we’d been married a week. IT WAS WONDERFUL. lie was explaining exactly why (be bank rate stood at its present figure; why the economic depression existed, and how it could he cured. His wife sat by, listening with admiration sinning in her eyes. At last' sbe said: “It seems wonderful that anyone could know so much about money as you do without having any.”

HER MISTAKE. She (tearfully) : You said that if I’d marry you you’d be humble and grateful. He: Well, what of it? She: You’re not. You grumble and you’re hateful. HIS GOAT. Radio Fiend (over garden wall) : Last night we had lovely reception, very loud and clear. It was a broadcast of animal life, and we got all the animals perfectly. Bored Neighbour (shuffling Indoors) : Yes, including my goat. IT WAS THE GLASS. “ Strewth, this ’ere beer ain’t clear.” “ Ho, yus it is. It’s only the slass wot’s dirty!” LANGUAGES. Employer: You say you understand two languages. What are they? Prospective Typist: Flowers anl stamps I HER TASTE. Friend: Jove, that’s a striking tie I What are the colours—Old Boys? Jones (wearing wife’s choice) : No —the old girl’s. MODERN INVENTIONS. The landscape architect was showing a nowly-rich woman over a formal garden. “ What’s that? ” she asked. The architect told her it was a sundial. “ W hat’s a sundial? ’’ Her companion patiently explained how Hie sun, moving through the heavens, cast a shadow which is recorded on the (iial, indicating the time of day. The woman beamed with interest. “My goodness!" she exclaimed, “these modern inventions! What will they think of next? ”

SHE’D LIKE TO KNOW. Tommy: What makes the Tower of Pisa lean, Auntie? Stout Aunt (sadly): I only wish I knew. HOW TO AVOID IT. Sandy (on ’phone): Hello, Mac —Is that Mac speaking? Mac: Oh, er-aye—-‘‘Well, Mao, it’s like this. I w&nl to borrow a few shillings, and I thought—■” • ! “ Righto, I’ll tell him when he comes in." COMFORTING. Wilson: How would you like to be the widow of the man who has just left his wife half a million? His Wife: You know I’d rather bo yours. NOT DIFFICULT. ” Do you have any difficulty in getting money from your husband?" “ Oh, no; I Just tell him I’m going back to mother, and he gives me the fare." NOT IMPRESSED. The owner of a "baby” car was overweeningly proud of the fact that he possessed a “G. 8.” plate. One day, in conversation with the owner of a large car, he drew attention to his “G. 8." sign, and said: “This little bus has been on the other side of the Channel." The owner of the big car, who had done an immense amount of foreign touring, and was not particularly impressed, nodded his head and murmured: "Blown over?" ANONYMOUS. Teacher: An anonymous person Is one who does not wish to be known —who’s that laughing in the class? Small Voice: An anonymous person, sir. HIS PROBLEM. First Farmer: Which is correct—a hen is sitting or a hen Is setting? Second Farmer: I don’t know, and I don’t care. AH I bother about is, when she cackles, is she laying or lying? FOR REMOVAL. Mrs Waine: I’rn bothered with a liltlc wart that I’d like lo have removed. Doctor: The divorce lawyer is on ilie second tluor, madam.

WAS COMING BACK. Sentry: Halt! Who goes there? New Recruit: Nobody! I’ve been, and I’m just coming back. GRA N D AIA ’ S WARN lN G. Grandma (looking up from paper) : It says here that young women are abandoning all restrictions. Now. mind, don’t let me catch you goin’ out without yours, Ethel!

A MATTER OF WEIGHTS. The customer watched the butcher weighing the meat! “ I wish you would not give me such short weight for my money,” she complained. "And 1 wish you would not give me such a long wait for mine,” returned the tradesman.