WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 113, Issue 18874, 18 February 1933, Page 12 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

GOOD ADVICE. “Mm Browne," cried Mrs Smith to her neighbour, ‘‘have you spoken to your son about mimicking me" ‘‘Yes, I have,” replied Mrs Brown apologetically. “I’vo told him not act like a fool!"

BLACK FOR BROWN,

What sort of chap is Brown, anyhow?” asked Jones. “Well,” -replied Smith, “if ever you see two men in conversation, and one looks bored to death, the other one is Brown.”

' 1 : MET HIS MATCH. “Pay old man, what happened to ! that parrot of yours, Ihal. was such a great talker?" 1 "till. 1 married, you know, and it ! died of a broken -heart !" "Jealousy. 1 snpose." i "Well, no, not exactly. It couldn't ( stand tbq oonypetlUon.”

Son (watching tholr blazing «ar}: “You won't need to got underneath to see what’a tile matter this tlmo, will you, Daddy?”

DUCKY. Mabel (studying genrgraphy) ' Nurse I'm so glnd mummy's only got ns three eliildren. Nurse; Why dear? Mabel: Because it says here that every fourth child born into the world is Chlnose.

COMING OF AGE.

It happened In the Labour Exchange The harassed clerk was having a busy time taking particulars of claims for unemployment benefit. One applicant was anxious to obtain the additional benefit due to him on reaching the age of twenty-one. "I'm twenty-one to-day 1 exclaimed the claimant. The clerk looked fle”cely at him. "Well," he shouted back, “what do you want me to do —bake you a birthday cake?”

AN UN-STABLE INDUSTRY.

Said a Sydney owner, "Methinks That my income alarmingly shrinkst I’ll lay up my horses, And lay down golf courses. And give up the stud for the links

A TRIER.

A man who bad seen better days was looking at the latest cheap car In the showroom window. The enthusiastic manager came to him and exclaimed: "Here you are sir! The last word in cars for you to trv and buy.” “Yes," replied the man solemnly. "I’ve wanted to try and buy one for a long time, and can't.”

THAT WAS THAT.

Doris was telling her girl friend about her recent misundei staiuiin,-, with tier fiance. "It. was really too bad." she said. "I ended by telling li.im that I didn’t want to see tits face any more. Tiie girl nodded engc-ly. "And was lie fearfully upset?” she asked. "That's the terrible part about it." said Doris. ' lie wasn't a bit upset. He just jumped up and switched olf all the lights."

THE MODERN TOUCH.

The little oity girl stood and waitohed the farmer milk the only cow he had. The next mo-ming the farmer was much excited, as the cow had been ’stolen during the night. Farmer: Drat the thief that stole that cow. He’s miles away from here by now. Little Girl: I wouldn’t worry bout it, mister, they can’t get. so far , away with it, ’cause you drained her crank case last night.

HIS VIEW.

Wife (trying on hats) : Do you like this turned down, dear? Husband: How much is it? Wife: Two guineas, dear. Iljisband: Yes; turn it down.

HE KNEW!

The lady who was In the habit of getting goods from the grocer and paying at a futu'.’c (and very indefinite) date was very angry. "And why, may I ask,” demanded she, "must 1 pay cash for to-day’s order? lam a most regular customer —I arrive punctually ” “Very punctually,” said the srocer. “Always on ‘tick!’’

CONSIDERATE.

The Landlady: It pains me to speak about you" board bill. Tiie'Boarder: Then don’t do it, my good woman. I can't bear to see anyone suffer.

NO LUCK.

| First Tramp: Lust half-n-rrown this morning. Bill. Second Tramp: Hole in your pocket? | Foist Tramp: No: the man wot dropped it heard it fall.

INDIGNANT.

1 Counsel (cross-examining prejudiced . witness) : I suggest to you that Mrs I (Brown Is anathema to you? Witness (indignantly): ’Deed she , ain’t. Let me assure you, young man, ' it’s only my personal friends what I ' calls by. their Christian names 1

t r SAFETY FIRST.

Customer: Is this a safety match? Shopkeeper: Yes; it always goes out before three cigarettes can ba lighted from it.

JUST WATCHING.

Mother (to Joan and Joyce): I’m so glad you are sitting quietly and not disturbing daddy while he has a nap. Joan. Yes, mummy dear, we’ro watching the cigarette burn down to his fingers.

STYMIED.

i “ Now, sir,” the old golf pro. said, after having given a lesson, “ always I remember that the secret of good > putting is confidence!” ; “Yes; that’s all very well,” his pupil replied, “ but if you aren’t a . good putter where’s the confidence coming from, anyway?”