WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 112, Issue 18803, 26 November 1932, Page 12 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

ONLY ONE. The following little’ story is supposed to he a favourite one told by tiie late Sir Horace Plunkett. A lady whom he had met in Dublin wrote to him later, stating, with feminine candor; “You need two things—(l) a wife and (2) elocution lessons.’’ Sir Horace replied at once; “Dear Madam, —The two tilings you mention are only one thing.” UNEXPECTED. A couple of Scotch farmers met one fine, moist, balmy morning. Said one: “That’s graun’ growin’ weather." "Aye,” was the reply. “It’ll bring a’ thing oot of the groun’,” said No. 1. “Guid forbid,” exclaimed the other. “I’ve two wives there!"

SOFTER THE BETTER. A man who had just lost a bet walked Into a hat shop. “I want a soft hat,” he said. The salesman, selecting a hat from the shelf behind him, handed it to the prospective customer with the remark : “This is the softest hat we’ve got." q’iie customer gazed at it speculatively. "What I want,” lie said, reluctantly, “is something a little more tender. Y'ou see, I've got to cat it.” TIME, PLEASE. Parson (during very lengthy sermon) : In conclusion, let me repeat to you, my dear brethren, wo are all made of dustl One of the flook (muttering under his breath): Then dry up! TOO REALISTIC. Mrs Newlywed rushed in from the kitchen, a smoking piedisli in her hands. She placed in on the table in front of her husband. “There, dear," she cooed, “that’s a cottage pie.” "I’d have known it was a cottage pie,” lie remarked, after the first few mouthfuls. “You would?” she asked, delighted. “Yes," tie replied. “I can Lash' the thatched roof and the crazy paving. Bill what did you do with the bricks V” .MUSICAL OIIKMISTHY. The etas- were healing ammonium nitrate dui'hig clicini-l ry. and. a- usual. one |my up-el his I e-| I übe. “Please, -ir. ‘ he asked the chemistry iua-!er. “ran I have -i.uie more karuniuiuni uii ra t e !" "i Hi." replied tin m i-hm acidl;.. “I suppose n;ju think this is organic

OVERHEAD NOISES. A lady staying in an hotel was frightened by noises all night in the room overhead, so she asked the manager to investigate. lie found that it was a sick foreigner obeying the imperfectly understood directions of an English medical man—“ Take the medicine two nights running and then skip a night.” MOTHER O’ PEARL. “You’re looking bad, old man," said an acquaintance to Brown. “What’s the trouble?” “Domestic,” replied Brown briefly. “But you always said your wife was a pearl,” remarked the acquaintance. “So she is," returned Brown bitterly. “It’s the mother o’ pearl that’s the trouble.”

A GOOD SION. After a few hours with a rod and line on the river, Chubbley was enjoying a quiet smoke and drink at the “Pig and Whistle," when his old friend lllggs walked In. “What luck have you had to-day, Chubbley?” asked Higgs. “Only ono trout," replied Chubbley, carelessly. “Big one?" inquired Higgs. “1 haven’t weighed him yet,” said Chubbley, “but I’ll tell you this — when I pulled him out ihe water went down two inches.” AN IMPOSSIBILITY. Saturday afternoon was set apart for the village brass band to have its weekly practice. With a view to demonstrating the band’s ability to a new J.P., the bandmaster decided to stop outside his house and play a few tunes. The J.P., however, was in a very bad temper that afternoon. “Look here," lie cried, rushing up to the bandmaster, "if you don't stop that Infernal row, “I’ll have to call the policeman I” “You can’t do that, sir,” returned ttio bandmaster, “lie's the trombone player." TAKE A ’BUS. The driver of a dilapidated motor ear asked a pedestrian: Can you tell me the quickest way to town? After a critical glance at the car Ihe pedestrian replied: Take a ’lnis. SHE HADN'T NiiTICKD. . | “Wot was the number of Hie ear, .Mum “I don’t kiiow. Lilt the woman driving it had on a while kldlH'd he re |. all imitation fo\ fill', .1 llnv\l 'red eh iff lie pi pro.' e.mullet gloves, and a haughty expreoju.m.''

THE FIRST. Maiden Aunt: Well, well, well, and whatever brought you to Sydney? Her Nephew: Oh, I’ve just come on a day’s trip down here to see the sights o' Sydney, and 1 thought I’d call on you Tlrst, auntie! CASE DISMISSED. Magistrate (sternly) : Well, What ■is your excuse for driving at 50 miles an hour? Defendant: I had just heard, Your Worship, that the ladies of the church my wife belongs to were holding a rumage sale, and I was hurrying home to save my other suit of clothes. NATURE NOTE.

Brown and Smith were out shooting on the moors, when a small animal darted across their path, and disappeared in the undergrowth. "That looked like a stoat,” remarked Brown. “I should say it was a weasel," said Smith. “But a stoat is so weasily distinguished.” persisted Brown. “Quito so, but a weasal Is stoatally different,” pointed out Smith. WORST LUCK. Cohen: My luck’s right out. I lost a pot of money 'in a deal; then I had my car stolen; now my wife is ill. How's that for being dead out of luck? Levy! Not as bad as mine, my boy. The other day 1 bought a suit with two pairs of trousers, and this morning 1 burned a hole in the coat. A PRONOUNCED FAILURE. Teacher (to class): The letter “h” is silent in “hour.” Give me another letter that is silent In another word. Bright Lad: The ”q’ in billiards. HER GAME. Mrs Pmyihc: I hear Ihat your j wife has given up motoring for ten- | ids, Mr Brown. Mr Brown: Yes. At that, you see, i .she can drive and crash quite safely, j | j '