WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 107, Issue 17994, 12 April 1930, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

EARTHQUAKES PREFERRED. There had 'been several earthquake shocks in a certain district, so a married couple sent their little boy to an uncle who lived out of the danger zone. A day or two later they received a telegram: “Am returning your hoy—send earthquake.” GOOD TIMES. First Scot (reminiscently) : Mon, Sandy, we aye had a guid time when we were laddies. Second Scot (regretfully) : Aye, Donald, we did that—we could travel for half fare! CRABBED. A certain genial doctor is liable to strange fits of crabbedness. One day a friend greeted him, “Good morning, doctor.” The doctor glared. “Good morning, chartered accountant,” he snapped. HIS EXCUSE. She: Got up and beat those rugs. You’ve done nothin’ all day but doze in that chair.

He: 1 know' it, but I’ve been dreaming 1 was shovelling coal, an’ it’s clean done me up. OBLIGING. An actor had been guilty of a piece of dangerous driving in his car. A policeman approached, tugging his notebook and pencil from his pocket. The actor smiled. “ Well, my man,” he said, pleasantly, “I make it a rule never to .sign autograph albums, hut in your case I’ll make an exception . . I A GOOD JOB. The client came to pay his fee to the solicitor who had conducted his case. “How' much do I owe you?” he said. “Your father and I were old friends,” replied the solicitor, “so we’ll say fifty pounds.” “Fifty pounds!” gasped the client. “Thank Heavens you didn’t know' my grandfather as well!” TROUBLED. “Mother,” said little John, bursting into the house, “there’s going to he trouble at the chemist’s. His wife has got a baby girl, and lie’s had a ‘Boy Wanted’ sign in his window for a w'eek.”

ANOTHER EPIDEMIC. The very pale-faced man entered the doctor’s consulting-room. “ Well, sir,” said the medico,” “and what is the matter with you?" “ I believe I’ve caught insomnia,” confessed the patient nervously. , “I cannot sleep a wink until round about three in the morning." “Nonsense, man!” replied the doctor. “Insomnia is not contagious.” “It is in my case, though,” returned the other. “The baby in the flat below has it.” CROSS WORDS FOLLOWED. Young John had the habit of asking questions with irritating frequency. ILis thirst for knowledge, however, often produced unworthy thoughts in the mind of his harassed mother. Witness the following conversation: — “Mother,” said John, “what does transparent, mean?” “Oh, across the Atlantic, of course, don’t bother me.” “Does trans always mean across?” “I suppose it does; if you don’t stop worrying me with questions I shall send you to bed.” “Then does transparent mean a cross parent, mother?” EXPRESSION. The teacher was trying to show a small boy how to read with expression. “Where are you going?” Johnny read with no expression whatever. “Try that again,” said the teacher. “Read as if you were talking. Notice that mark at the end.” Johnny studied the question mark a moment, and then an idea dawned upon him. “Where are you going, little button-hook?” he asked triumphantly.

“SHE WON’T.” Anxious Mother: “How is it that you have so much trouble with your housekeeping? You told me your wife could cook." Son; “She can.” Anxious Mother: “Then whatever is the matter?" Son: “She won’t.” AN EXTRA BONE. Teacher: “How many bones have you in your body?" Tommy: “Two hundred and eight.” Teacher: “No; you havo only two hundred and seven." Tommy: “Please, miss, I swallowed ono at breakfast this morning." WHICH? The two neighbours had been quarrelling for a long lime, They were now at it again over the. garden wall. Suddenly one said: “Did you ever realise that you are next door to an idiot?”

BETTER. Father: “Have you told Eleanor she will not get a penny from us if she marries this fellow?” Mother: “I did better than that—l told the young man.” THE PAIR. Another Irishism 1 Having had con- ■ siderable trouble with his three lodgers, Pat decided to rebuke them when he saw them in the morning. “ You three are a nice pair-’’ he said “if you’re going to stop here you’ll have to clear out, for you didn’t come home again last night until this morning!”

I FARE’S FAIR. “What’s the fare?” inquired the woman of the taxi-driver, when he stopped at her destination. “Half a crown, ma’am,” was the prompt reply. " Well, here’s one-and-six—l’m not such a fool as I look.” “ No," said the driver. “ I wish you were, ma’am!” # » f * Taxicab Driver, at Highgate: My “fare” was intoxicated, but not what you might call drunk. * $ * * Man at Marylebone: I want a summons against a woman for her protection because she may kill me and have to suffer the consequences. •n * * * Constablo at Highgate: Ilis lights were O.KThe Clerk: I don’t like adding these additional beauties to the English language. * 4 # * Counsel at Southend: And were you standing in silence ail this time? Witness: No, 1 was standing In the road. * * * * Willesdcn witness: Nowadays ■ mothers look like sisters, and grannies like aunts.