WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 107, Issue 17982, 29 March 1930, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

TALL STORY. Diner: Waiter, that steak you brought me was a bit high, wasn’t it? Waiter; Quite ’likely, sir. I understand it came fro-m a very tall cow. COMPLIMENTS. “ You haven’t learned much in this class, have you, my lad? ’’ said the master to the small boy. “ I admire you, sir,” replied the boy, “ for taking the blame in that broadminded fashion." ON WITH THE DANCE. A Rugby forward, inclined to make much of his hurts,- was sprawling at the side of the field nursing a minor injury. His skipper saw him and observed unkindly: “ Sitting this one out, Steve? ”

LAST REQUEST. “ Harry dear, promise that if I die you will marry Jane Jenkinson,” she said thoughtfully. “Jane Jenkinson!" he exclaimed, in astonishment. “ Why, I thought you hated her.” “I do I ” she responded briefly. LAID OUT. Parson: What has stopped your hens laying, Mr Giles? Farmer: Well, sir, in the case of six it were the dratted motor cars. HIS MASTER’S VOICE. Caller: Are you sure the manager is not In? OJfioe Boy: Do you doubt his word, sir? SUCH FLATTERY. “ ’Ow’s your son getting on with the ’air-dressin’, Mrs Evans?” “ Fine, Mrs Green. The first lady’s ’air ’e cut—when she see ’erself in the glass she says ’Good Evans! ’” A BLACK OUT.

A party of aotors were disoussing a colleague who was always “ out of a shop." “ The trouble with Smith,” said one, “is that he is always untidy. He loesn’t keep himself clean." Said another, with a trace of bitterness. “ Well, he ought to be clean. He’s always sponging." NON-SUITED. During the hearing of a case a man began clattering about in the hack of Ihe court-room, pushing over chairs and generally upsetting tilings. “Young man,” said the judge sternly, “ you make a great deal of noise.” “ Your lordship," came the reply. “I have lost my overcoat, and I am looking for it.” “Weil, well,” snapped the irate judge, “ people often lose whole suits here wi/hout half as much disturbance.”

HARDLY COMPLIMENTARY. “Miss Hunt, do let me help you to more pudding.” “Well, thanks,” said the young woman; “I will take some more, but only a mouthful, please.” “Emma,” said the hostess to the parlour-maid, “All Miss Hunt’s plate.” TAKEN IN. The motor car w>as old, dilapidated. “How much?” asked the owner’s neighbour. “I got it for nothing.” “Heavens! You’ve been robbed 1” FOR A RAINY DAY.* Friend; If you spend so much time at golf, you won't have anything laid aside for a rainy day. Golf friend: Won’t I? My desk is loaded up with work that I’ve put aside for a rainy day.

BEFORE MEALS. The tramp knocked at the kitohen door. “Please, kind lady, I'm a sick man. The doctor glmmo this medicine, but I need something to take it with.” “Poor fellow I Do you want a spoon and a glass of water?” “No, lady. But this medicine has to be took before meals. Have you got a meal handy?” SAFE ENOUGH. A man entered a crowded railway carriage, and placed a heavy box—almost a small trunk —on the rack. A nervous passenger eyed the large package for several seconds, and, feelin that It might fall on him at any moment, he ventured to remark, “I say, do you think that’s safe?" “Oh, yes,” said the man oheerfully, “It’s looked." PUBLICITY. ~ V “How do you like your new publicity agent?” asked the him star’s friend. “Oh, bo’s wonderful 1” she cried, beaming with enthusiasm. “We’ve been robbed twioe, our house has been burned, our car has been wrecked, and I bavo had my life threatened by an anoymous enemy since we employed him!" A TREAT FOR HIM. They had argued for an hour, and at last he gave in. “Very well,” he told his wife, “I'll buy the fur coat if you wish, hut I tell you frankly, it’ll mean the workhouse for mo.” “Thank you darling 1” cried his wife, “Just think of the impression I shall make when I w T ear the coat to visit you 1” DOUBTFUL. Father: The man who marries my daughter will get a prize. Suitor: May I see it, please? COMFORTING. Dear Old Soul (visiting her very sick brother) : I’ve a very nice letter from Emily. She says she’s so sorry she ain’t able to come and see you, but she hopes to be able to come to the funeral.

THE OLD, OLD STORY. John: I think Peggy will make an ideal wife. Every time I go to see her I find darning her fathers’ socks. Jack: That caught me, too —until I noticed it was always the same sock. CAUTION. Jim: Let’s toss up who pays for lunch? Jack: Righto! Where are we lunching? Jim: Er—well—let’s toss up first! NEARING THE FINAL. Browne: How’s your daughter getting on with her hreach-of-promise case? Jones: Oh, fine. She’s passed her cross-examination.

THE INEXPENSIVE KIND. She: Now that we are engaged, dear, you’ll give me a ring, won’t you? He: Yes, certainly, dearling. What’s your number? HARD. “Is Goldberg a hard man?” “I should say so. Did you notice his eyes?” “Yes. Ouc seemed to have a more humane expression than the other.” “Well, that ouo is made of glass.”