Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 106, Issue 17840, 12 October 1929, Page 14 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

THIS WEEK’S FAIRY STORY. Once upon a time someone didn’t have a premonition regarding the winner, after the race. SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE. “Aren't you ashamed to be seen—four of you—hitting one boy?” “it is quite all right; he told us to go and steal apples out of an orchard, and we are giving him his share of what we got." AWKWARD, Alec: “I don’t know which girl to! take to the pictures." j Will: “Why not toss up?” | “I have, but it didn’t come right.”

A GOOD MEMORY. Old Meanbov was in' a restaurant and as he rose to leave he did not hand the waiter a lip. “Excuse me, sir,” said the waiter, “but haven’t you forgotten something?” “Let me see,” answered old Meanbov, “my wife told me to water the Powers, feed the bird, close the windows, keep the sun off the parlour carpet, dust the piano, and change the goldfishes’ water. I did all those thing. No, I haven’t forgotten anything.” GOOD TREATMENT. “What I liked about the hotel was the way they treated the livestock. Why, they treated the poultry better Ilian they did t lie guests!” j • “How’s that?” ; “Well, they don’t pluck the poultry i while they’re still alive.” I

OUR REVISED PROVERB. It’s never 100 late to pay the last instalment. HE HAD THE QUALIFICATIONS. “What are the qualifications required to make a successful cardplayer?” asked Mrs Bowling casually. “Well, it’s hard to say." replied her husband thoughtfully. “A man must be cool, calculating, crafty, cunning, and have a touch of meanness in his disposition.” “Oh, John I” exclaimed his wife. “Surely you would not like to play card with such horrid people!” “That’s all right,” the husband answered proudly. "1 nearly always win 1"

EXPLAINED. "How do you do my dear?” said the old lady to the little girl. “Quite well, thank you,” was the polite reply. There was a pause, and then the old lady asked: “Why don’t you ask me how I am?” “Because I’m not interested.” PAYING IN ADVANCE. A certain motorist found himself facing a local justice of the peace. A fine of five pounds was imposed, and, drawing out his case, he laid two notes on the desk. “Here,” said the clerk, “you’ve made a mistake, sir: there’s ten pounds here,” and he held up two five-pound notes. “No mistake.” said the motorist. "I am going out of this town quicker than I came in.”

A NEW ADVERB. ■ The school teacher was trying toil explain the use of adverbs. ing across the room, he turned andM asked: “Now, how would you say IH walked then?” H “Bow-legged!” shouted a voicaH from the back of the class. H CROWDED OUT. B “Mummy," observed flve-year-ol(H| Freddy, “there’s such a lot of - flies waiting to get on the fly-papeiH| and they can’t ]cos Raby’s sitting it, and lie won’t come off!” Hf OFFICE BOY’S CAREER. H Monday: Hired. H*| Tuesday: Tired. H| Wednesday: Fired. HI H HAD BETTER WAIT. H| “Darllng i you’ve made me the piest man ’alive. When shall I spe&Hi to icur father?” H| "Not 'till after we're married.” HI THE MISS WHO MISSES. Her tennis frock’s a perrect fit, HR Her shoes and socks are simply Her bandeau shocks, perhaps, a But hang it! after all— Let sterner folk rebuke the chit, We’ll make our jokes and hope her With tennis “blokes" will make a —She seldom hits the ball! “I am an advertisement Have you any small wants I can vertise?" “Certainly not. My servant not have admitted you. I have him repeatedly 'that I do not see Yassers.” “Then dismiss him and advertise iiHB oqr paper for a more obedient one.^^fl | PUZZLED. H Doctor: “Now you must to give your husband three fuls of this mixture last thing ever^Hl Mrs O’Grady: “And how will I able to do that? We only have layspoons between us." TRUE SARCASM. “I came to-night specially to out if you cared enough to mara^^H “Is that all—l thought you going to take me to the pictures.” 'LONG LUNCHEON. Captain of visiting team:' what are you drawing stumps This is only the luncheon interval.”^^H Umpire: “You don’t know our cheon interval. It’s always too to play afterwards."