Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 104, Issue 17466, 28 July 1928, Page 18 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

SUPERSTITIOUS. "The waiter seems to be superstitious." "Why?" "The bill comes to exactly 13s and has made it 155." ANOTHER DOCTOR. "It's no good mincing matters," said the doctor. "You are extremely ill. Is there anybody you would like to see?" "Yes," whispered the patient. "Who?" asked the doctor. "Another doctor, please." HIS DEATH SENTENCE. Young Bride: "Now, dearie, what will I get if I cook a dinner like that for you every day this year?" Answer.-: "My life insurance." JDENTIPIED. Two coloured fellows standing on die street wefe discussing the greatness of their respective families. Says Bill: "Yas, sun, Ah kin trace mah folks way back to de fambly tree." "Yo say yo's kin chase dem hack to de fambly tree?" says George. "Not chase," says Bill, "trace, Ah said. Trace. Git me?" "Ah see," says George; "oney two tilings lib in trees —birds and monkeys —and Ah suah doan see no feathers on yol" HARD. ON THE ACTOR. A story which at all events has the merit of brevity was told the other day by Mr Leslie Henson. "it concerned an indifferent actor who pestered his manager for a letter of -recommendation. To get rid of him the manager gave him a letter to another manager. The communication read: — "The hearer plays Macbeth, Hamlet, Shylock, and billiards. He plays billiards best." MARRIED. "The man who gives in when he is Wrong," said the orator, "is a wise man, but he who gives to when he is right "Married," said a weak voice in the audience.

THE HERO, ■ Angus, the signalman, to his wife (after'collision inquiry): "An' the big mon fra' London said I was a hero when I told him that after the signal refused to act I dashed down the line waving the lamp until the express was a few yards from me." Jean: "Did he ask if the lamp was lichted?" Angus: "Na, but I was feart he wad.*' LOCKED IN. A briefless barrister was spending his time at the court, when his clerk came to him with the news that a man Was at his chambers with a brief. The briefless barrister immediately hurried from the courts for fear the client would escape him. "Stop, sir, slop," cried the clerk; "you needn't hurry; I've locked him in."

SHE KNEW BETTER. He: "I suppose you'll threaten to go home to mother after that?" She: "I'll do nothing so foolish. I'm going to invite her here." A NASTY ONE. A doctor returned from a hunting trip and said to his wife: "Well, dear, I didn't kill anything." "Serves you right for going off and neglecting your business," she said.

TOO UNNERVED. "You have broken some more plates, and you promised yesterday not to let it occur, again." l 'Oh, I was so unnerved yesterday i did not know what I was Baying." ALMOST, UNIQUE, "What interested me most on my travels," said Henpeck, "was () the mummy of a queen I saw in Egypt. Wonderful, eh?" asked his friend. "Yes- it's wonderful how they could make a' woman dry up and stay that way." . —*—- WHAT, INDEED? An old farmer and his wife were standing by their pigsty looking at their only pig, when the old woman said — "It will be our silver wedding tomorrow, George. Shall we kill the pig?" And George replied: "What's the good of murdering the pig for what happened twenty-nve years ago?"

ALL TAIL. Four-year-old Daisy came running in crying breathlessly—- " Papa, I s.aw a snake as I came down the lane!" "Did you?" asked her father. Did it have a tail?" "No," said Daisy. "He was a tail. SCOTCH. Tailor: "And the pockets, sir?" McNab: "As deefloult, as possible, please."