Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 103, Issue 17384, 21 April 1928, Page 18 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

Every man is as bad as he thinks she thinks he is. * # * * A friend may be well reckoned the f masterpiece of Nature. * * * * It is impossible to love too much; dangerous to love too many. * * * * Cars shown at the motor show have all modern conveniences, except the 1 money to pay for them. * * * •* Mud may be a beautifler, as the doctors say, but, it hasn*t done very much for the turtle so far. "'"3SSEBI * * * • DID HE MISS HER? , An author once received some verses from a woman asking his opinion of them. They wore called, "I Wonder If He'll Miss Me." After reading them the author returned the effort with the following note: — "Hear Madam.—lf he doe? he should never lie trusted with firearms again." HE OUGHT TO KNOW. "Hello! Is that the pawnbroker's?" "Yes, sir." "What time is it, please?" "I am not here to tell you the time." 1 "But, sir, it's you who have my watch." ' ALWAYS SOMETHING. "Why," exclaimed the visitor, who was being shown over the house, "this picture is by one of the old masters!" "Well, maybe it is," replied Mrs Xeuritch apologetically, "but Fin sure the frame is quite new." QUITS. .Miss Shea: "I'm not going to have ('anything to do with you. Your father j keeps a pawnbroker's shop." ! Miss Sweet: "And I'm not going to j have anything to do with yon. because I 1 saw your father coining out of it."

Jumping to conclusions often lands you in trouble. * * * * The best prophet is one who can successfully foretell a profit. * * * * Buttons in the collection plates don't mean a new suit for the minister. * * * * Rate collect'ors are good judges of character; they find most people out. * * * * It doesn't follow that because a cook is very tall she'll stay long. * * * * A woman will spend two hours dressing to see a man for two minutes, and then say she didn't expect him. * ■ • <• NOT THE APPROPRIATE WORD. The hostess was talking to one of her guests as the two sat on the lawn listening to the chimes recital. "Beautiful, aren't they?" "Pardon?" inquired the guest. "I say they're beautiful, aren't they?" "I'm sorry," roared the guest; "but I can't hear a word for those blinkin' chimes." HE DID NOT KNOW. He was a veteran actor, with an extremely indifferent outlook on life, appearing in a very good show, but in a minor part. "How's the play going?" asked a friend on meeting him. "Pretty fair, I'm told," drawled the actor. "What's it about?" "Don't know." "For heaven's sake," exclaimed the friend, "surely you've seen the thing—you're in it." "No," returned the veteran of the boards. "Several times after the first act I've thought of going round to the front to see what it was all about, but somehow I never got there."

QUITE CORRECT. "What is a man-of-war?" "A cruiser." "What makes it go?" "Its screw, sir." "Who goes with it?" "Its crew, sir." DOING BUSINESS. Boy: "Please, miss, didn't you say you'd give me a kiss if I could get you some shell grit for your canary?" Miss: "Yes, I did." Boy: "Here's the shell grit, and, please, I've sold the kiss to my big brother for sixpence." THE NEXT BEST THING. A small boy just home from a boarding school was asked to sing at a village concert, so he said he would sing a song in Spanish, and the following is what he 'sang: — "Kiwi, Nugget, Cherry Blossom, Nugget, Cherry Blossom, Kin." IBs father asked him angrily what he meant. Boy: "I forgot it in Spanish, so that's it in Po-lish." WHY? "When I left the last town I lived in I didn't owe a cent to a soul!" "You don't sayl Why did you leave?" BAD MEASURE. "I am sorry," said the editor, "but I cannot use your poem." "Why," asked the poet, "is it too long?" "Yes," hissed the editor, "it's too long and too wide and too thick!" A RUDE YOUNG MAN. A very plain woman, carrying a clock in a brown paper parcel, entered the shop. "I want," she said, "a new dial, please." "I should jolly well think you do!" chirped the assistant. 'TWAS EVER SO. Thompson had begged the loan of- a trifle from his wife to back a horse, and she had insisted that he should bo a punter no longer. "Let me back just one more horse," he pleaded. "I promise you it will be the last." "Yes," she said. "It always is."