WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 100, Issue 16815, 5 June 1926, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Over hits of scandal we liave seen two women wrestle for hours cal-as-cat-ean style.

Extract from a letter of a clerk on a holiday in the country: “Since 1 have, been away I have seen many strange sights and hope to see you on Monday.”

There's one fellow wc really should pity—tlie office boy whose grandmother actually died Hie day before the big game. * * * *

In these modern days, if a man builds up a successful business he is talked of as a sinister influence —but if he doesn’t lie is a darned failure.

"Could I see General Blank?” "I'm sorry, But General Blank is ill to-day." “What made him ill?” “Oh, tilings in general.”

“You don’t mean to tell me you married Elsie Spender?” “But I do—l mean I did,” replied the optimistic bridegroom.

“Why, your salary won't even buy her breakfast.”

“Ha! Ha!" laughed the optimist. “That’s where I’ve got you. Elsie won’t get up for breakfast.’

Examiner (to young engineer): “What steps would you take if Hie boiler were about to burst?”

Applicant: “I would take very long and very quick ones, sir.” Billy Weathertight drew up a conger, But it proved than poor Bill to he stronger; And he said to it, “Go! See, I cut the line —so! You're so long that I don’t need you longer 1”

HE KNEW. Tutor: “Can your Highness tell me any famous proverbs?” Prince; (returns no answer). Tutor: “That’s right—‘Silence is golden.’ ” THEIR OPPORTUNITY Miss Fluffy: I made quite an impression at the reception, didn’t I? Everybody seemed to be talking about me. Candid Friend: They talked still more about you after you had gone. INSULT TO INJURY. In an amateur pantomime the son of a retired colonel had “brought down the house” by working into the part of the Widow Twanky many of his father’s well-known mannerisms. “Now, sir," snapped the colonel a few days afterwards, “I hear that you had the confounded impudence to mimic me in that ridiculous pantomime. What have you to say for yourself?" “I’m sorry, sir," replied the culprit, “and —I can only apologise for having acted the fool I” WHY HE GRIEVED. First Villager (returning after long absence) : “What has become of old Mr Simpson?” Second Villager (solemnly) : “He’s in heaven." First Villager: “Oh, dear; I am sorry to hear that.” AS THEY SEE US. Mamma: “You and your little visitor are doing nothing but sitting around and looking miserable. Why don't you play at something?” Little: “Wc ;u-e playins.” “Playing what?” “We’re playing that we’re growed up.” PLENTY OF NERVE. lie: “Ilow I envy that man who has just sung'a solo.” She: ’'lndeed! I thought he had a very poor voice.” “It isn’t the voice I envy; it’s tiis nerve.” CONTENT WITH TIIE SOVEREIGN. A mystery man was once performing at a fair, and, taking a countryman from his audience, commenced to illustrate to him the “transmutation of metals.” Ho borrowed a halfpenny from the countryman, and after making a few passes desired him to hold out his hand for a moment, and apparently placed the halfpenny in it, telling him then to close his hand. Passing his wand over the countryman's hand, he then asked him to open it, and “You see," said tlie magician, “I have changed your halfpenny into a sovereign. Now, I’ll change it hack again; give me the sovereign." “Nay, nay, yer warn’t," said the yokel, pocketing tlie sovereign; "you'll nay change it into a ‘arpenny again. I'll 'old ’un tight enough.” and walked off with tlie conjuror's sovereign.

Unfortunately, afterthoughts come last.

All the world’s a stage—but the encores arc few.

If America runs out of gold she can always fall back on discarded wedding rings.

A tiling of beauty keeps you broke for ever.

Many a woman will sacrifice anything for tlie sake of her complexion—including her complexion.

First catch your reputation, then sec if you can keep up with it.

Many young men have their troubles —and most of them .wear skirts.

The invention of the harp wa6 due to an accident, we read. On the other hand) the inventor of the bag-pipes was a Scottish Highlander, who got the idea through stepping on a cat.

Motorist (at police station): “Have you done anything about that car of mine that was stolen?" Sergeant: “Yes; you’ll have a summons in due course for leaving it unattended in a public place."

Old Gentleman (to Miss Passey, who prides herself on her youthful appearance): “Ah, you and ! didn’t have toys like these when we were young!”

ALL FOR NOTHING. Professor: “And now, gentlemen, we get X equals zero.” Voice from rear: “Goodnessl All that work for nothing." t * * * EASY TO DO. "Could you do the landlord In ‘The Lady of Lyons'?” asked the manager of a seedy actor. “Well, I should think I might; I have done a good many landlords."

OP COURSE SHE WAS. He (tenderly): May I see you pretty soon? Sho (reproachfully): Don't yoa think I am pretty now SERVED HER RIGHT. “Little Bo Peep lost all her sheep,’* sang the little girl. “Serves her right for going out with a crook,” muttered her brother. RIVALRY. “I hear that Kate has changed her diet." “Yes, as soon as she heard that Mrs Smith was on the same one ao she.” THE MENDICANT. “If you please, ma’am, there’s s mendicant at the door," announced the cultured maid to her mistress. Her mistress sniffed contemptuously “Tell 'irn there's nothin' to mend.” HE KNEW. Mr Brown: “When I got home last night, my wife had my dinner all ready, my slippers were placed by the flr« Friend: “Yes, old man, did you like her new hat?" a * » a WINTER WOES. One hears the same old comparisons in the street to-day- “ Very cold to-day!”—“Yes, but not so bad as Thursday.” “Have a long winter, I’m afraid."— “Perhaps, but not as long as in 1554, I’ll wager." “It blew hard last night, did it not?*’ —“Passably, but you surely remember that wild night—May 13, 1863; nothing like it since.” "Soon have to give up the surf, eh?" —“Not me; go in all the year round." “Never mind; we’ll both be warm some day.”—"Speak for yourself.” • S- • • THE RARITY. “Halloa, Rivers. You seem to har# a bad cold. ‘“Worst I ever had, Banks.” “I’m sorry for you, old feUow. Wish I knew of something that would cura you, but I don’t.” "Give mo your hand, Banks”—with tears in his eyes. “You’re the only man I’ve seen for three days that hadn't a certain cure.”

WOULDN’T BE THERE

Mr Irvin Cobb, in his new book of anecdotes, says he has heard a dozen versions of tiic following classic. He likes best the Arizona version. The prisoner is a Mexican sheep stealer convicted of murder.

“‘Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, stand up!" •“file prisoner rose in his place. ‘“Jose Manat*! Miguel Xavier Gonzales,’ said llis Honour, dn but a few short months it will be spring. The snows of winter will flee away, the ice will vanish and the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Banuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, the annual miracle of the year's awakening will come to pass.

'"The rivulet will run its purling course to the sea. The timid desert dowers will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as tha rose. From every tree-top some wildwood songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine and the busy bee. will bum happily as It pursues its accustomed avocation. The gentle breezes wm tease the tassels of the wild grasses. And all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, will be glad.

"'But you—you yellow-bellied Mexican son of a gun—you won’t be here to see 11, because you’re going to get hung four weeks from this coming Friday.