WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 100, Issue 16712, 30 January 1926, Page 14 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Fools throw kisses, but wise men deliver them in person.

Love is a matter of chance; matrimony, a matter of money; divorce, a matter of course.

Love is a matter of give and take —marriage a matter of misgive and mistake.

Marriage is a discord that turns "love's old sweet song" from a eulogy into an elegy.

Some men are born for matrimony, some achieve matrimoney—but most of them are merely poor dodgers.

After two years an engagement doesn't need to be broken, it just naturally sags in the middle and comes apart.

All love is 99.44 per cent pure: pure imagination, pure vanity, pure curiosity, pure folly, or whatever else it happens to be.

"And do you often attend pace-meetings, Mies Voile?** "Quite a lot, but I rarely put much on."

THE OTHER WAY ROUND. Old Lady: Is it dangerous to go up in an aeroplane? Aviator: Not at all, ma'am. The danger is all in coming down. NO REST. A Government official was "to take I lunch the other day with a friend, and was asked to take coffee. "I never take coffee after lunch," he said. "I And it keeps me awake in the afternoon." " * * * *. THE PROBLEM. He: And mind this —no woman ever made a fool of me! She: Who did, then, dear? # * ' ' * * A STIMULANT. Inquirer: Does a fish diet strengthen the brain? Philosopher: Perhaps not, but going fishing seems to invigorate the imagination. * * * * OBVIOUS. : "What," inquired the schoolmaster, "is the plural of penny?" ''Twopence," shouted a lad in the class. ■' if . * * * READY FOR WAR. Hilda: So you made up your quarrel with Tom? Doris: Yes, but only temporarily. We're getting married next month. ■ * * .". DEGRADATION. "Steve, dear," whispered the burglar's bride, as he started on his evening's work, "try to be a little more quiet when you come in to-night." "Coit'ply, kid," replied the fond husband. "Did I wake youse up las' night?" "No, but you wakened mother. And I don't want her running up to the peni tentiary, and complaining to father that I married an a mateur." "

"Where have you been until this hour?" "To the lecture, dear." "But people don't lecture until two o'oloclj In the morningl*? ] "This one did, dear—he stuttered very badly."

GIVING HIMSELF AWAY,

. Absent-minded business man (as he kissed his wife) : Now, dear, I'll dictate a couple of letters.

VERY SELECT.

To achieve elegance, madam ordered a pair of smart boots from an expensive shop. Some days after they had been delivered, she retturned them. "Your boots don't fit well. I can't walk in them."

"Madam," replied the dignified shopkeeper, "people who have to walk don't shop here."

Marriage is never wholly a failure so long as the wife keeps her husband's clothes mended.

There is some consolation for the bald-headed man. He does not have to squander his money on hair dye!

You can ride on a tramcar for .pleasure or for business, but you must be a policeman if you want to ride for nothing.

The individual who called tight boots comfortable defended his position by saying that they make a man forget all other miseries. , ' '

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

Don't waste your tears on the girls a heart-breaker should have married and didn't; save them for the girl he will marry and shouldn't.

UNKIND. First Star: Yes, dear, Uncle promi** ed me £SOO if I wouldn't become an actress. : Second Star: Really, darling? And how did you spend the money?. • : * * »'-■*:■ j FINAL. Fay: He actually dared to kiss me when I wasn't looking 1 Pam: How dreadful 1 And what did you do, dear? Fay: I told him I'd never look at him again: • * • . » NAUGHTY BOY! A small boy was delighted one day when a slight Are in his father's house brought the firemen and the engine. "I say," he exclaimed to the first fireman he met, "if you want to save things, please don't save my winter flannels, because they tickle me." ... -'» - * - « • ;,, INTELLIGENT STUDY. "So you're .studying history, my little man. What kind of historyancient, modern, or what?" "I don't know yet. We've only been at it about three months, and my book hasn't any cover on it." • • - r :} THE HUSBAND. A man, Whose daughter had married away from home, wrote to inquire what kind of man her husband was, and received for reply:— ' "I tell you, father, he's a prime, good whistler, and yon never saw such a hand for flapjacks In all your life • He's got blue eyes, and his father be ■> longs to the church." T i » * * •. UNBELIEVABLE. Mrs A.: I make it a rule never to ask another to do what I would not do myself. Mrs B.: But, my dear, surely!you don't go to the door yourself and tell your caller you are not at home." . -

DOING HIS BEST. Judge (to victim of hold-up): While you were being relieved of your valuables, did you call the police ? -' Victim: Yes, your honour, every** thing I could think of. JOCK'S WAY. "Hoo is it, Jock, that ye mak sich an enairmous profit on yer potatoes when ye gie a special price to each, freend?" "Well, I tak a half-croon off the price because he's a freend o' mine; then I tak ten pounds off his hundredweight because I'm a freend o* his.* 1 •-» m » INCRIMINATING. A clergyman bave out the hymn, "I Love to Steal Awhile Away," and the deacon who led the singing began: "I love to steal—" but found he had pitched' the note too high. Again he began, "I love to steal—" but Uiis time it was too low. Once more he tried, "I love to steal—" and again got the pitch wrong. After the third failure' the minister said, "Observing our brother's pro« pensities, let us pray." '■>'*"

NOTHING EASIER. A little boy, the son 'of a lady rusticating in her villa at St. Cloud, was walking' in the garden, when a. neighbour called him, and handed r him '.'over the hedge a jam tart. "Thank you, ma'am," he said.. The neighbour was delighted. "How well brought up he is IV she exclaime.l. "I like to have a little boy say 'thank you' to me".'" "

"Then give me another jam tart," an-> v swered the little boy.

A girl's father might overlook a '\. young man's shortcomings if it wasn't \ for his long s layings.