WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 98, Issue 16152, 29 November 1924, Page 15 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Love makes the world go round looking foolish.

Some men leading a dog's life have no license to do it.

Every girl detests fllattcry until someone begins to flatter her.

It's 1 hard to convince some pjoplo that honesty Is the best politics.

A man never knows beforehand wtiat a woman will do—neither does a woman.

• • • • BOWLED OUT. Dad (sternly): “Where were yon last night?” Son: "Oh, just riding around with some of the boys." Dad: “Well, tell them not to leave their hairpins in the car."

SHE MEANT IT. Before Mr Larkspur and his wife married she said she didn't care If he never had any money, and since then she has spent his wages so freely that it looks as if she was in earnest about It.

• • • • OLD STORY. "Did you hear about Mrs Fastleigh's motor accident?" "No. What happened?" "She ran down her own husband.” “But she's been doing that ever since she was married.”

TOO HEAVY. Mrs Mathews was learning to drive her new car and was very much thrilled over it, says Judge. "Of course,” she said, "I could never change a tyre myself. Why, I can’t even lift one. You know they have eighty pounds of air in them in addition to the weight of the tyres!” HUMANE. Pert Young Thing: Don’t you think there should be more clubs for women? Gr.umpy Old Thing: Oh, no! I should be inclined to try kindness first.

PARTLY RIGHT. He: How is that back tyre on your side, Eunice?” She (looking over the side of the car.: Oh, it is all right; it’s flat on the bottom, but it’s round on the top. * • • • A GOOD WESSON. The judge had finished his summing up. Turning to the dock, he said to the shivering black culprit:— “And now, Sambo, before I sentenoe you to death, have you anything to say?" “Well, judge,” replied Sambo solemnly, “I ain’t got nuthln’ to say, excep’n dat it’s a-goin’ to be a mighty good lesson to me.” • • • • A GOOD DEED. The Sunday school teacher was telilng her class that they ought to do at least one act each week to make someone else happy. Turning to one boy, she said: “Have you made anyone happy this week, Bobby?” “Yes, miss," the boy replied. “I went to see my aunt, and she was happy when I left.” • • * • PROMOTION. Billy (coming home from sohool, elated): Oh, goody, I caught up with v Clarence. Proud Papa: That’s flne William. How did it happen? Bill: He got put back, too.

The average woman has more listening than speaking acquaintances. Every now and then you see a motor car so old that it must be almost paid for. * * • * It seems a great deal easier to profit by the mistakes of others than by our own. • « e e Tommy (at tobacconist’s): “Please, father wants to know if it’s true there's a tobacco trust?” Proprietor: “Quite true.” Tommy: "Well, father would like to be trusted with two ounces, please.” • • • • VERY CLOSE TOGETHER. Little Mary had been sent to the shop to get some sticky fly-paper. She was a leng time returning, and her mother began to feel a bit anxious. Going to the door, she spied the little girl coming up the street, and said: “Mary, have you got the flypaper?" “No, mother,” cried Mary; "it's got me; but we're both coming together.” • • • • SUPERFLUOUS HELP. “What were you In civil life?” asked the bold, bad baron of a robber In “The Babes in the Wood.” “A remover of superfluous heirs,” replied the desperado, who was promptly engaged. * * * • THE BEST WAY OUT. "Some .political economists',” said the woman with the steel-rimmed glasses, "say that an excess of money •fa n Hicnoap " “Well,” said lively Mrs Lashit, “If you know anyone who is worried that way, he can go to the races with my huband and get cured.” • * • • MORE MONEY. Mrs McTavish: “Oh, Sandy, the baby has swallowed a hairpin 1” Sandy: “That’s just what I expected! Now you will want money to buy more. It’s nothing but money, money in this house the whole blessed time I”

Father (exasperated): “Now, now, son!. What’s the matter? Yelling like this in the middle of the night!” Willie: “800-hoo! I dreamed a cr-crocodile was Just going to bite me head off!" Father: “Well, what are you howling for? You woke up in time, didn’t you?”

SUDDEN. An old lady was taking her first ride In a train. Unhappily, another train crashed Into it. Everyone was shaken except the old lady, who remained quite calm. “Weren’t you scared?" asked an official. “Well, you do pull up a bit sudden I” said the old lady. * * m m * * • 9 TO MAKE SURE. “Dear,” said Mrs Brown, “I do believe Mrs Johnson is offended about something. She hasn’t been to see us for several days." “Be sure,” said Mr Brown, "to find out what it was when she comes, and we will try it on her again." * * * « TAKING PRECAUTIONS. “Have you touched the barometer, Mary Jane?” the mistress in anger cried. “Why, yes, It’s my evening out tonight, so I set it to ‘flne,’ ” the maid replied. • * * • THAT WAS MTIY. Hawkins: “Well, old man, how’s business going?” Martin: “Oh, like clockwork." Hawkins’: “But I’d heard a rumour that your people had failed.” Martin: “So they have. The business has just been wound up."