WIT AND HUMOUR

Waikato Times, Volume 97, Issue 1600, 31 May 1924, Page 16 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Marry for money and that is all you get. Every year is leap year for the pedestrian. The two supreme 'tests of faith are adversity and ''made-up" restaurant dishes. Father: You want a flogging. Jack. Son; I know it. dad, but I'll try to get along without it. THE OTHER MAI P. Elizabeth came to school one day in a state of suppressed excitement. Going straight to the teacher's desk, she exclaimed exultantly:— "I've fl'ot a new little sister!" "How very nice,' replied the learner. "Yes.' said Elizabeth, "but, this is only a half-sister." "Why, that doesn't make any difference, does it?' "No. but I never can understand where the other half is."

CLEAR. "I understand that some of your creditors are pressing you." "1 arranged fhat," answered Senator Sorghum. "In this era of investigation I want it made perfectly clear that I haven't more than enough money for my current expenses. 1 ' * >;: # * SPELT. IT. Wife: "Pear, please toll mo how to soell costume. I'm writing to mother about mv new gown." Hubby. "(J-o-s-t, cost." Wile: "Yes.' Hubby: "To, to." Wife: "Well?" Hubby: "M—c—£ls, as yet unpaid.' Wife: "Wretch!" GIVING THE GAME AWAY. "I want some collars for my husband," said the lady, to a haberdasher's assistant, "but I've forgotten the size.' "Thirteen-and-a-half," suggest 3d the man, with a faint smile. "That's H, but how did you know?" asked the Jady. ; The experienced assistant's smile broadened. "Well, you see, madam, genllemen who let their wives buy their collars for them.are nearly always about that size.'

HOW HE DID IT. X: Seven years ago I arrived i'i this town with only one shilling, hi;. that shilling gave me my start. Y; You must have invested it very profitably. X: I did. I telegraphed home lor money. * * * * GRUBBY! A motor car drove up to the entrance of the football field of a certain school. The occupant'called to one of the boys, and said: "Will you tell the Hon Algernon I hat his mother. Lady Fitzwalter, wishes lo see him?" A moment later the boy was heard shouting : "Grubby, your mother's landed." * ' " * * * GAVE HIMSELF AWAY. An amusing story was told recently by Lord Birkenhead concerning a certain judge who was noted for lite patience on the bench. C»n one occasion a prisoner was de_ livering a long-winded speech from the dock, the purport of it being that he was a. much maligned and deeply injured man. T-he judge listened attentively, as was his wont, but presently, happening not to catch the last few words, he said : "What was your last sentence?" "Pix months' hard labour, my lord!" was the. unexpected reply.

Lend in haste and repent at leisure. Friends arc almost as scarce as um--1 brellas 'when they are needed. ! Half the world doesn't know how the other half lives—but oh, how it { would like tj find out. Master: Boys, if I stand with my back to the sun al midday, what hav-3 ilon my right hand? .lames: Fingers, i BETWEEN THE TWO. j The auctioneer was offering a hanrl- ! some old cabinet,' but there was only I one bidder— a dealer, who kept 'on. j increasing his .bids. "How is it," asked the auctioneer, "thai you continue bidding against yourself?" "Well, you see." leplied the broker, "that is a matter of business. I have ! a commission from two different parties to buy the cabinet at any cost and I dont know yet which of thtm is to have 'it!"

MEAN. "I fear Helen is going to marry ai very stingy man." "Why do you think so?" "She suggested a morning wedding, but he said to make it after lunch, on the ground that she would get one more meal at home." :|c :.1 * * WAIT A LITTLE LONGER. Sandy (entering nursery garden) J Have you a nice cucumber? > Gardener: Yes, here is one. That will be fivepence. Sandy: Too much. Have ye no one for twopence? Gardener: Y'e can hae this for twopence. Sandy: All right; here's the tw-i----pence. But don't cut it off; I'll be calling for it in about a fortnight. * * * * DELAYS ARE DANGEROUS. Obedient Youngster: "Mother, may I sneak?" Parent: "Y'ou knew that you must not talk at the table." ".May I say just one thing?" "No. my boy. When your father has read his paper you may speak." Father reads through bis paper, and, says kindly: ' " ' . *

Now, William, what is it?" "I only wanted to say that the water-pipe in the bathroom had •burst."

INSIST. In the courthourse of an Eastern city is a melancholy attendant who, when asked to direct people to the bureau of marriage licenses, inquires lugubriously: "Do you insist?" "Well, yes." "Third door to the right." WASHED! The traveller had returned to his native village after being abroad for twenty years. He stopped as he saw a little boy with a small baby coming down the road. "Ah! a new face. I see!" "No; it is isn't, sir; it's just been washed, that's all, replied the boy, looking at the baby. # * * * JUST THAT. Fred was a long-winded individual. He always insisted on giving anyone and evervone his views at great length, regardless of whether or 'not he had been asked for them. In short, lie was what is commonly known as a bo re. "Well, what do you think of my argument?" he asked his friend Tom, after one particularly tiring tirade. "Sound—most certainly sound," replied ids friend. "And what else?" asked Fred, anxiously. "Nothing else —merely sound,'' was the laconic answer.