Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 94, Issue 14776, 15 October 1921, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by Uie wisest men.

Always pay debts and compliments and you wtll succeed. '*• * *

A woman will pardon cruelty and injustice, but never indifference. • * * *

Tlie man who dues what he pleases is seldom pleased with what he does.

One woman equals a hundred men when it comes to getting her own back.

A woman never dresses so carefully as'when she goes to see her best enemy. • * • * •

A pessimist would test with acid the lining of every cloud to see if it's real silver.

Often conscience is given us as an excuse for not doing what we don't want to do.

A woman doesn't object to a man with a lot of go in him—provided she goes with him. * * * *

There lis only one thing a woman hates worse than flattery, and that is the absence of it.

First man: "Is your daughter popular?" Second man: "Well, I don't want to boast, but fifteen young men are teaching her to dance."

Little Bffle (who has stroked the kitten until she has begun to purr): "Maudie, do you hear that?" Sister Maudic: "Hear what, Effic?" Effle: "Why I do believe Kitty's bo'iling!" "'o* » • "

The individual who keeps his mouth shut seldom lives to regret it.

Luck never comes lo the shirker—it always does to the worker.

Don't, waste time finding fault with yourself; that's what your friends are for.

It's an easy matter to obtain peace: all you have to do is to let the other fellow have his way. a * » • Too many men who boast of being self-made seem to have been interrupted before the job was finished. * '* * * Sceptic: "If you have such an infallible remedy for baldness, why don't you use it?" Subtle Barber: "Ah, sir, I sacrifice my appearance to bring 'ome to clients the 'orror of 'airlessness." * ■ * * * WHO WAS THE THIEF? "Well, my dear," said he, as he was dressing, "1 guess you were right when you told me last night that there were burglars lin the house." "Why."' asked his wife, "What has changed your mind?" "Because all the money I had in my pockets when I went to bed is gone." "Well, if you had been brave," retorted the wife, "and had got up and shot the wretch you might have saved your money." "Possibly," was the reply, "but then I should have been a widower." She gave him back half his money. a * * »' HOW NICE. Husband: "Hurrah 1 I've got a week's holiday." Wife: "How nice. Now you can dig the garden, clean the cellar, and whilewash the kitchen." a«' • • IN OTHER WORDS. A visitor surprised a professor at one of our colleges, who was saying lo hlis baby: "Oh-ny, no-ny, 'c mussy lick liis tootsy tootsies." .lust then he caught sight of his visitor, blushed, and muttered: "No, no; you must not expose your pedal extremities beyond the protective covering of the blankets, or you will lay your system open to attacks of catarrhal affection." A RARE VISITOR. Sandy McTaggart left his native Glasgow and went to work at Buohaven, a small Ashing village on the Fife coast. For practically every meal Sandy was having fish placed before him by his landlady. One day a fork accidentally fell off the table on to the floor, causing the landlady to exclaim, "Sandy, there's a stranger coming." "Aye," said Sandy, "I'm thinking it must be the butcher." a * - * THRIVE WISHES. A Highlander was once asked what he would wish if someone had the power to grant him three wishes. For the first wish, he said he would ask for "a Loch Lomond o' gude whisky." For the second, "A Ben Lomond o'gude snuff." Then he hesitated, and, when pressed for the third wish he added—"Oh, just anlther Loch Lomond o" Side whisky." * * * * A CURTAIN CURE. "They tell me you have cured yourself of chronic insomania." "Yes: I'm completely cured." "It must be a great relief." "Relief! I should say il 'is. Why, I lie awake half the night thinking how I used to suffer from it." * * * * A HOUSE AT LAST. Husband (to wife over 'phone): "Good news, dear. I've found a house at last." Wife (eagerly): "Oh, you darling; Do hurry home and tell me all about it." "There's no great hurry. We don t move in until 1923'. The present tenants have a two years' net-cement." * * * * A STRIKE IN HEAVEN. The elder was dilating on certain practiices which he considered ritualistic, and which had been introduced by the newly, appointed "mcenistor." "There'll be nane o' they newfangled methods in Heaven," he averred. "Hoo da'' ye ken thai/.'" asked an | admirer of I lie new pastor. "lino due ah ken it?" snarled 111'' j (hi fellow. "Why, if they had th' impertinence tae try 'il, the whole i Presbyterian Kirk wad rise an gang : cot in a body!" * * * * SUPPOSE! Young Iliggins had been wooing ! Miss Truelove for a long Lime—years iuul years il seemed to her father. Thousands Of cubic feel, gas has been 1 unioU mi the parlour, and the leather so fa had been recovered Ihree lirn"s. At last the pie stood before the j nllar, and the clergyman put. the fateful question: "Will you Harry lligigins, take Ibis i woman to t>.e thy lawfully-wedded ! A-ifp?" This was ton much for Miss rruelove's little brother .liinuiy. who had ; watched the progress of the loug | (. iirtship from various points of vanI ti.gr. during Hie years. "Lumme!" lie gasped out, excitedly. ' "Suppose he won't 1"