Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 94, Issue 14770, 8 October 1921, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by toe wisest men. A howling success —the first baby. * * • • Flirtation is the safety-valve of marriage. * ♦ ♦ • Many a straight face hides a crooked mind. « * * • For a woman it is never too late to pretend. « » * • To marry is human; to put up with it, humane. « * $ ♦ It’s a wise child that resembles its rich relations. » * » • A man always wants to be the llrst In a woman’s life —but a woman prefers to be the lastl n the man’s. Jealousy Is the homage that inferiority pays to merit. Everybody knows what to do witn the things he hasn't got. • • • •» • Don't worry about slander; ft will rub off when it gets dry. * • # * The woman who kisses another woman she hates may possibly fool herself, but she never fools the other woman. * * * • The individual who tells the truth with deliberate carefulness isn’t believed half as often as the fellow who can lie gracefully. * * * * "Now, my friends," said the candidate, making another effort to arouse enthusiasm in his hearers, “what -to we need in order to carry this constituency by the biggest majority in history?” The response was immediate and enthusiastic. “Another candidate I" yelled the audience. • « • THE SEAT OF SORROW. "My dear child, when I am obliged to give you a spanking, do yon not think I suffer as much as you do?” “Maybe, hut not in the same place.” « * * « THE SUFFRAGETTE. Johnny saiid to his father the other day, “Father, have you ever noticed how often mother says, ‘And so on, and so on?” “Oil, yes, Johnny,” was father’s reply, “hut it never applies to buttons, my boy." 9 • • * THIS ISN'T TRUE. A Scotsman had been invited to a dinner party, and late in the evening was discovered by the hostess in a room all by himself, and looking the picture of misery. On being asked what troubled him,lie turned to the hostess and remarked, solemnly: “Do you realise, woman, that. I’ve lost, thirty shillin’s at cairds wj' some 0’ ycr vecsitors?” “Indeed, I am sorry to hear that, Mr McGregor, but the loss Is not. so deadly. Come into the buffet and have a drink. And we have some fine eoid barn there!" “Na, na,” said McGregor, despairingly. “I ranna cat thirty shillin’s worth 0 cftuld hamJ"

WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW. In a confidential little chat to a group of medical students, a wellknown surgeon talked about the feck which might be charged. “The best rewards," he said, “come of course, to the established specialist, I charge £5 for a call at a patient’s private residence, £2 10s if they consult me at my office in office hours, and £1 Is for a telephone consultation." There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice from Lhe back of the room inquired:— “I say, whaLdo you charge a fellow for passing you in the street?" * » * * ANOTHER PERSON. “Wha was this ’ere Nero, Bill?” asked a coster of his friend as they gazed into the picture-shop. “Wasn't he the chap that was always cold?" "No, that was Zero," was the answer. “Another bloke altogether.” * * * * A NEW PRAYER. A mother remonstrating with her small boy, who declared he was too tired to say his prayers, was suddenly asked, “May I say Nannie’s prayer then, ’cos it’s short?" and on this being assented to, dropped on his knees, and putting his small hands together, astounded her by saying; "U j Lord, it’s time to get upl" • • • • * NOT A THIEF. A gentleman went into a fancy ' shop to buy something. As it was early, the shopkeeper had to go up- i stairs to get his cashbox in order to 1 procure some change. ! Before doing so he w r ent into the little room next to the shop,, and whispered to his little son, “Watch the gentleman that he doesn’t steal anything.” Then bringing the boy out, he sat him on the counter. As soon as the shopkeeper returned , the child sang out, “Pa, he didn’t steal anything; I watched him!" THE TELEPHONE NUMBER. It was close on midnight when Mrs | Belman knocked loudly on her neighbour’s door. It was opened by Jones clad in a dressing-gown, and a sour j visage. "Oh, good evening, Mr Jones," said ; the lady in agitated tones. “Gould you ■ oblige me with the date of the first Peloponnesian War?" • | "Why, 431 B.C. was the date, I be- j lieve. But may I ask " "Oh, yes, that’s right, thank you so much. Baby’s got croup, and I wanted to ring up the doctor, and that’s how I remember his telephone number." * • • • THE TERRIBLE INFANT. , Georgie'had just finished eating a fine ripe banana. Then he looked up | at “daddy," and smiled the inquiring smile which meant trouble for the old ; man. ' “Dad,” he said softly, “supposin’ Pd been twins?" Dad shuddered; but it was necessary io dissemble sometimes. “Well, Georgie.” he said, “suppos- ; mg?” j "You’d have bought the other boy a banana, too, wouldn’t you?" "I should certainly have bought the 1 other hoy, as you call him, a banana,” ; said dad austerely. j ; “Well,, dad," said lhe dear little j j fellow, “you arc surely not goin’ to ! ] cheat me out of a banana ’cos I'm all in one piece, are you?”