Wit and Humour

Waikato Times, Volume 94, Issue 14584, 5 February 1921, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

A little nonsense now and then Is relished by the wisest men. "Have you seen my pocket-book?" "No." "Well, I've lost it. And I particularly wrote down on one of the pages in it where I'd put it in case I mislaid it I" * *. * • Cynic (savagely) : "They say the fashionable mother of to-day recognises her baby only by looking at the nurse." Fashionable Mother ( v unmoved) : "How extraordinarily clever when one changes nurses so often 1 I always tell ours by the baby-carriage." * • • • • "What does my little man want to buy to-day—sweets?" asked the kindly shopkeeper, as the little boy entered. "You bet I do." was the reply, "but I've got to buy soap 1" • * * * Mr Thickhead: "When I read about some of these wonderful inventions in electricity it makes me think a little." Miss Smart: "Yes, isn't It remarkable what electricity can do?" "Why Pat," said a visitor to one of Ireland's beauty spots, "there used to be two windmills here." "Bedad," was the reply, "they took one down to lave more wind for t'other." • • • • •. "And they promised us a land fit for 'eroes to live in!" exclaimed the houseless demobbed one, disgustedly. "Well, you've got it, haven't you?" demanded the pal. "Nobody but a blinkin' 'ero could stick it!" ♦ • * • * Miss Young: "In Turkey a woman doesn't know her husband till after she's married." Mrs Wed: "Why mention Turkey specially?" Churchwarden (at meeting): "We must now take up the problem o* getting our young men to church."

Now Minister: "That problem will solve ilself if we can get our pretty daughters to go."

Profiteer: "So you have succeeded in tracing back my ancestors? What is your fee?

Private Inquiry Agent: "One thousand pounds—for keeping quiet about them."

"Dear Mother," he wrote, "Ernest swallowed a penny yesterday, and we have been much worried ever since as to whether or not he is going to be ill.* A week later his mother replied: "My Dear Son, —I have been unable to rest since hearing from you last. Please let me know as soon as you can if Ernest got over his financial difficulties all right." Mrs Crawford: "Why won t your husband buy you a motor car?" Mrs Crabshaw: "He says we can run into debt fast enough without employing machinery." Hubby: Isn't there something odd about the taste of these onions, dear?" Wife (anxiously) : "Oh, I hope not— I took such pains with them, darling; sprinkled them with lavender water before boiling them ,to take away the unpleasant odour." ■ • • « SHE KNEW HER PLACE. "Well, did you like the theatre?" asked a mistress of a servant to whom she had given a ticket. "I did that, mum; it was fine." "But why did you not see the play out? You are home early.". "Indeed, I did, mum. There were grand ladies in the boxes and elegant gentlemen next me, and I had a lovely seat, and enjoyer myself looking at the splendid picture as much as anybody. But when they took the picture up, and I found myself looking into a gentleman's house, and some ladies came in and began discussing family matters, I came away. It wasn't for the likes of me to sit and listen to family secrets. I hope I know my place better than that, muml" t, , * • • • WAS TOO CONVINCING

rne visitor to the lawyer's onice stood in amazement. "I say, old manl" he exclaimed. "Whatever has happened to you? Had a motor smash, or what?" The lawyer shook his head wearily as he gingerly touched his bruised and bandaged face. "No. You remember that case the other day when I defended a man charged with assault? Well, I made a strong plea for him ou the ground that he was a fool rather than a criminal." "Yes; but "

"I did it so well that he was acquitted, and he waited for me outside the court.' Mr Facetious (having his portrait painted) : "I suppose you want me to look pleasant?" Artist: "Yes, and P&y in advance. Mr Facetious: "What's that for?" Artist: "So that I can look pleasant, too." * * • • * WASN'T HIS BRAVE DAY.

A newly-enlisted fireman of only average pluck was serving at his first tire, and the chief rushed up to him and shouted: , "Fly up that ladder to the eighth story, crawl along the cornice to the fourth window, drop down three storeys and catch that wooden sign xou sec smoking there, swing yourself along to the second window that the red glare is coming from, break the glass and go in and rescue those three old ladies—well, what the deuce are von wailing for?" "For pen and ink. sir," said the new man. "1 want to hand in my resignation." „ • > * * * GOOD-BYE!

Alfred's'chum was rather fond of hiring his knowledge of French. On leaving his friend the other" evening 1,0 said, "Well, bon snir, Alfred, my boy, or rather au revoir." ''What do you mean?" cmoth his pal. . .• ••I mean 'good-bye'—au revoir is 'good-bye' in Hie French language." "Oh, I see." said Alfred; "well 'carbolic acid' 1" you."' "Oh, but that's silly," replied his friend. , ~_, . 'Not at all." said Alfred. rhat means 'good-bye' in any language." « * * * • QUICK GROWTH. A very small boy was taken 10 h dental establishment to have some of his first teeth drawn. Fur a second or so, during which time four teeth disappeared, everything was fairly serene, and then came bowls of objections. "1 didn't wanl lliein both to come ; out!" cried the young patient suddenly recollecting something. "I wanted them to stay in." "That's all right," consolingly responded the dentist. "They will si,on grow again.'" "Will they?" quickly rejoined the boy, with a brightening smile. "DO you think they will grow in time for dinner."