Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2134, 13 March 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

Amok I'atii.e : The Knpiimaux think then* is no pi ice like home. " Wm v yn\ lose your breath don't chase it ; you'll catch it sooner by stand* ing sMH. AtoiitiM. the vulgir : Miss AramintA (iiisliuigton speaks of " tho nolemn nranon of loaned '' *>11 1 > • n«'\ er could bring herself to say Lent It is so painfully \ ulc ir, \ou lviii)\v. " Pa,' asked younn Johnnie Jarphly, "Wlut i" idt f mltci ':" "He is a man th loosi «• moil' y that doea not belong to linn, rnj sun, icplied Mr Jarphlf. ' \nl whit is a financier?" ''One who ll Ulli, lilt I it ' Kirn. Ivilikuia, of the Sandwick 1-1 imN, t aiiim' In li> In mg a good man. ih' lua-on assenti{ is thatlus ancestors iti- so much ui^Mouit v in their time that it uiiilii 1 into ih ii s\ stem and w» trantnutted to th'ir d s t>uidants. A n ym il - •<•- one of lus debtors p»«t hup bj in the sfi.'et without *!iy recognition of his existence, and straightway •it came as mad as " a hatter." "Cane the fellow, "he iys "he might, when I bowed to him, have at least had tha decency to lift my hat." This h the tnnn wh'Mi the farmer Sits by his chtmni'v's blaze, And t ilk-* with tli-' wife of his boiom j <)f the pioij n\d h}k">ne days ; While the lo\^ struck sou of his neighbour Sit-> in another loom, And talks of th>* fanner's daughter ! Of the splendid days to conic. "How do jou like your boarding* house, Ci imsonbeak ? ' siid a friend to jthat individual when they met on the street. " First rate !" answered Crim« sonbeak. "Any life down thtre!" " Lots of it; but it's all confined to the cheese."—Yonker's Statesman. >S<i->fh: Unter den Linden, Berlin. A I couutiyman applies to a student to direct j him tnc shot test way to the police station. " Just step into the jeweller's shop acioss the load, pick up a diamond bracelet, then walk straight out, and you will get there in .i few minutes." JoNfcsj—" Yes, sir, it is mighty hard to collect money just now. I know it." Smith —" Indeed Have you tried to collect and failed ?'' Jones—"Oh, no., 1 Smith -" How, theu, do you know that money is hard to collect?" Jones— " Because several people have tried to collect of me." —Boston Courier. i !

IiIOCLK IJMbS. A pleasant ride, A gutter wide, A bruised and battered form, A laughing girl, With flying curl, Helps the 'cycler so forlorn. A month of calm, To mend an ami, Hh nuise that charming damo, <T,»y Cupid'.s dart, Pierced 'cyclei's heart, And kindled love's bright flame. Mr Wivks—" Goodness me ! there is a young couple looking at that vacant house next door, and they've got a baby — looks awful cross, too." Mrs Winkl — '■ Hot rots ! W'.a' shall we do? Can't ue scare thun oil home way? Go tell them the loof leaks and the walla are damp and—till them the last tenant died of smallpox." "I'd like to, dear, but it won't do. Tho landlord would sue for damage." "Oh! Mercy; but something must be done, Mr. Winks, before they decide to take it Oh! do think of something " I ha\e it. Run down to the piano and sing 'Sweet Violets."—Philadelphia Call. A Mhun>KYM\ was being performed in a pro\ iocial city, aud the closinj? act was to witness tho death of the heroine from poison, administered by her lover. The end appro-idled when the lover said : '• I have forgotten the vial '' " Kill me with a pistol or -i dagger," whispered the actress. "I hive neither." "Kill me quickly, for tho audience is impatient," .sho exclaimed. An inspiration seized him, and as she turned he gavo her a kick. She faltered and fell exclaiming: " I die by the hmd of the poisoner." It was an effective climax —Troy Times. "[ \m iroin.r t<> ko.padiiry; won't you kindly tell m» how to bejrin it!" Ldy —" Well, t i t. II you tho hone.st, nude tiuth. Lil, we don't* kuow much about rhis miter, but we have seen seTeral young 1 tdie>' di.irie*, and they all begin: '•Got u'j .it eight o'clo'k; played the piino one hour, went into the kitchen and watched roother cleaning the store; went down to Mabel's; Mnbel is horrid; took an ip after dinner; am tired out; Clause called m th • evoning; ltn a so happy. Odear !"—Briton Post. CrvroMhi!—"These pantaloons are too tight for me. I'm a snuff taker.' Tailor —" A snuff-tiker ? What has that to do with the excLllent fit of those pantaloons r" Customer—" Great Jehosaphat! How can a man sneeze without a little slack in Ins trousers ':" "Do you ha\e many applicants for rooms?" asked a very pretty young woman of the real estate dealer. " Oh, yes ; in fact, most of my time is occupied in showing suites to the sweet," he replied. F(K.<; —"ls that clock right, Fenderson :-" Fendersou— •■ Yes, sir, right to a second. I set it by my watch not ten minutes ago." Fogg—" Yes, but is your watch light?' Fenderson—"Oh, you cm depend upon that. I always regulate it by my clock.' 1 Dk. Dio Lh\vi>s says that wearing lanje, thick, he ivy boots will improYo a woman's complexion. Oh yes! The he ivy boots aie worn by her father, ot ooui'se; then, of course, a young man will not come fooling around, keeping her out of bed uutil after midnight seven night* a week. Mih.s Diffident—Auntie, you don't understand Italian, and your applauding at the wrong time attracts attention to you from all over the house. Mrs Vulparien, sharply —My dear, you aeo thi* new wrap ? It cost $900 to import. What do you think I curae here for? " Jcvr borrowed SBOO on my own note," said young Hnrdup, " and I feel like a great man's monument," " How's that ?" said bis. friend, " 'cause somebody elao ha«« to pay for it ?" The editor of a newspaper thus appeals to his delinquished subscribers: "To all those who are in arrears one year or more, who will come forward and pay up arrearages and for one year in advance, we will give a firet-rate obituary notice gratis in case it kills them." A (.kstlema.v who imagined that he recoguised a lady friend advanced cordially and addressed her. 441 beg your pardon," he said, " but isn't thia Miss Greenleaf ?' '• Ko, sir," replied the. lady, "my ,ume i s Redpath." "Ah, excuse me. I must be colour-bliud." Lmu; Miss Lily—Mamma, will you let me go to the funeral of my playmate, Mary 8., to-morrow? "No, Lily, you went to a patty ou Saturday, you attended a matinee yesterday ; it seems to me that you are haviug enough distractions at present." " I LiKt smart women well enough," said Fenderson, « but I wouldn't care to m irry a woman who knew more than I did." " And so," « suggested Fogg. you have been forced to remain single." (rKwuLß—WliutJl you charge for takin 1 Sal's picture? Artist—Do you want half or quarter face? Granger—Well, I u'uess one for a quarter'll strike me I don't feel like payin' a half dollar when the crops has been so bad. "?*.. A.n lowa man has discovered a remedy for lheumatisin consisting of maple sugar dissolved in apple brandy. In less than a week after he made the discovery the whole neighbourhood was limping around with tho rheumatism, "My mamma gi\ea me two cents every day,' said a little girl to her com-p-uiion, " for taking a dose of castor oil.'" -What do you buy with co much money?" "Oh, mamma eaves it up to buy the oil with.—Merritt.