Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2122, 13 February 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

" WHAT do the«e letters *taud f>r ! asked » cuiious wife of In htisbsiurl, as *lie looked at hi* M<isomc mul. " Well, really, my lo\e," ho tuplicd cnc>ijra.rL'»h\ " I presume it m bccui^e they can't sit fl()W I!.'" 0,n.. pio.ichcr. st.i inline in the pulpit holding opi'H tho d(.ui of t!><> Kingdom of lii.'ivd 1 . fln-fii't at t r *<■•■ iK'.ir as muoh attention us .1 l.ilc .niv.il h <|<litt>r»p<Mt the dour of the church. We need reform. A London incdic.il j mi'ii.il ciy-> the immiidiT.trc uao of tobacco excits it peculi.ir itiUui-uce upon the spin iiioguph How often hnvc we he>n young men truing abmt with .in ilniorinal looking Bphygmotrruph, and yit they continue to ii»o the vilo xvi • <1. Ax eloping coui'lu in Georgia wore married in a jrrsivojvtrd. They fc't -ort of out of place at fir.-:, but lo.ikin<. r ab ut them they saw the legend ooti-tuitly iepeatcd, " H<-ve Vm- " T'w n they ti It enenurnged and repeated tii-'ir i*">p> etiw promises to love, cheiihh and obey with all the naturalness in the world. Evangelistic 1 - S-im Jones remarks : " To mm it up hi a few words, a dude is a jackas*." It is inferred ih.it once up'iu a time Mr Jones w.is violently kicked by a jackass, or he would u-it thus step aside to stigmatize the beast. Some people never can tell tho truth, any w iy. A Western editor printed in an editorial " the italics aio our own," and within five hours was completely sold out by the sheriff. An elderly minister in Camilla "was recently exhorting a bachelor preacher to make marriage a matter of prayer, and asked the Lord to give him a wife. "My dear brother, Ido pray about it. I get no answer. The Bible in against me. It Hays : 'Ye ask and receive not, because ye a«k a Miss,' I can get anything else, but I want a Miss." Cleopatha's Needle is in nuch a state that unless it has a coat of something it will fall to pieces. This is quite the reverse of ordinary affairs. It in generally the coat that wants the needle. Married men will understand this matter without the aid of a map. Describing a recent meeting of an agricultural society in Virginia, the reporter closes with : "Dr Page concluded his address by toasting the Albemaile Plowintr Society, which was drunk etanding." The society ought to be ashamed of itself. Why didn't it go away some' where and lie down. — Phila. Call. TllU girl of the peiiod unw carries her hands in heroverco.it pocket just like a man, partly because its EuglUh and partly, doubtless because there aro holes in her jrloves. — Lowell Citizen. AiiTEAtrs Ward, when a«ked by telegraph on behalf of a lyceum committee. " What will you., take for ten nights ?" ! replied, " Brandy and water." Buttons— "Missus told me to come down and tell you that she was not at hope." Huffcut— " Go back and tell your mistress I fny I haven't called. They talk of "unspeakable Tuikey, 1 ' but it doesn't begin to bo half ho unI speak able as mo.«t of tho names of the Russian generals. " I say, Bobby," whispered Featherly, "Was your sister pleased to learn that I had called upon her?' 1 "Yes, indeed, she was," replied Bobby, "When mother told her that Mr Featheily had called while sbo was out, she said, 1 thank heaven.' " "That actreas,"' said youny Hyson, has been playing ilancinc; puts ever since I was a boy, aud she isn't a year older on the bills than she was twenty years ago." No," said old Tintasf. •• That's because she has rciuule her youth every seison." And then the.y both fell back into the zareha to change their breath. All hail the cow ! all h.iil the pump The milkman now goes free, His oheek is red, his purse is plump : Who'd not a milkman be? A gentle man, whose family consists of a wife and twin girl babies, came in very Lite one nij»ht, and went to bed. His sleep was broken, and he tossed aud tumbled find muttered something about II two of a kind," and a "small pair." " Poor John," murmured his wife, " he is tired, and is dreaming about the children." A bashkpl young Geortgiau, who was afraid to propose to his sweetheart, induced her to fire at him with a pistol, which he assured her was only loaded with powder, and after she had done so fell down and pretended to be dead. She threw herself upon the body, calling him her darling and her beloved, whereupon he get up and married her. The proprietor of a meuaeerie relates that one of his lions once had a thorn taken out of its paw by a French major. The lion afterwards ran over the list of officers belonging to the regiment of hid benefactor, aud, out of gratitude, devoured both the colonel and the lieu-tenant-colonel, whose places were then filled by the good major. " Where are you going, my Girton maid ?' " Into the hencenesb of wherefore" she. said. " May I go with you, my Girton maid ?" "If you havo whatness of whyness," hhe said. " What is your father, my Girton maid?" "He ia « whichnosa of frowned, sir," ahe said. " What is your fortune, my Girton maid " "The amnesi of to bs, Mr," she said. "Then I shan't marry you, my Girton maid." "Go to the thenceness of thereness," she said. — Chicago Sun. Mr and Mrs X. are on their wedding tour. Mrs X. receives a letter from her mother, which concludes: "I hope that you will be good and kind to your husband, who is a nobb fellow." Mr X. : "Is there no word for me from your i mother?' "Oh, yes! She hopes you will be good and kind tosuch ancxcelleut wife as I am."