THE HUMOURIST.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2119, 6 February 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

THE HUMOURIST.

HOW THE WORLD IS GOVERNED. It is astonishing to what an extent the world ia ruled by boxe*: the cartridgebox, the ballot-box, the jury-box, tad tho band-box.

CALLING OUT THE DOCTOR. When Sir John Elliott, tbo physician, was dining with Dr. Armstrong, Sir John was rery early in tho repast called out. Armstrong, on lj«ing tho quiet enjoy* mcnt of hia friend's company, muttered roughly, " I did not think you would have sent for yourself ro soon."

SATISFACTORY TO BOTH. When a man, Hays Josh BiUiogs, kumf up to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, And I give it to him ; this satisfies him that he and I are two az smart mon az there ia living.

NOT SURE ABOUT HIM. Quin, on a visit to Lord Holmei in the Isle of Wight, lost his dog. Meeting a poor man, he mentioned his loss, concluding with " I hope you are all honest here." " Yes," replied the man, "I believe so ; but there is a stranger down at my Lord's, aud mayhap he may know of your dog."

UNDOUBTEDLY TRUE. A professor was once repeating an experiment with some combustible substances, when the compound exploded, and the phial which he held in hia hand blew into a thousand pieces. " Gentiemen,'' said the doctor, with the gravest simplicity, "I have made this experi* went often with the very same phial, and never knew it break in my Funds before !"

A KNOWING DISPUTANT. A gentleman travelling in the stagecoach to Islington, found the conversation grow very warm between two of the passengers on the subject of religion. At length one of the disputants said to the other, " Pray, sir, what do you call yourself?" To which the reply was, "Why, sir, I am a materialist." No more passed at the time ; but when the coach had deposited the materialists his house, the remaining combatant appealed to his fellow-passenger as follows: "Now, sir, lam perfectly astonished at that man's effrontery in calling himself a materialist, for I know him to be a dancing-master, and so was his father before him."

A PERTINENT QUESTION. King James the Second said to Mr Clifton one day, "I do not know how it is, but I never knew a modest man make his way at Court." "Please, your majesty,"' replied Mr Clifton, " whose fault is that ?"

CLASSIFICATION OP NOVELS. Novels may be arranged according to the botanical system of Linnieus. Monnndrhx Monogynia is the general class, most novels having one hero and one | heroine ; but sunh as "Sir Charles Grandison," belong to the Monandria JDigynia; ' many French novels are of this class, aud still more of the two classes, Monandria Polygynia and Monogynia Polyandria, Those in which the families of the two lovers are at variance may be called Dtaicioiib. The Cryptogamia are very numerous, and the Polygamia are sometimes met with. Where the lady is in doubt which of her lovers to choose, the tale is to be classed under leotandria. Where the party hesitates between love and duty, or avarice and ambition, the class is D'ulynnmia. Some of these productious are poisonous; the greater number are mere annuals, comparatively few being perennial, or even frugiferous.

NO ALIMONY IN THE CASE. "I have no room in my heart for woman," said Angelo Daub, the house, nign and ornamental portrait painter: "I am married to art." " True," replied the stage carpenter, "but I beard that your wife had applied for a divorce on grounds of chronic incompatibility.

DURATION OF COUNTRY VISITS. Mi*s Perrier sivh that country visits should seldom extend to more than three days—the )•<••>( diy, the drvx*ed day, and the pressed day.

GIVING HIS BEST. One of the party of four in a Brighton coach coughed incessantly, nnd a fellow-pas-eu«zer said to him in an ang»*y tone, " You have a very bad cough, sir." The sufferer replied, very meekly, " I assure you hir, it's tho beat I've got."

A GOOD RKASON. Mother—" Why didn't you get up, Charles, when I culled you ?" Son— " Because it win no dark that I couldn't see to dress myself." Mother—" Why, Charles ! What do you mean ? It wm a* lijrht as day when I called you." Son —" But mother, how could I knowit was light ? I had my oyes shut, you know.'*

THE REAL WAY OK IT. A young clergyman, who is a successful pastor, was tellin? a retired missionary that he entered college and the theological seminary with the intention of becoming 1 a m-s-ionary, when the old veteran broke out with, •• Ah! you turned back after putting your hand to the plough?" "No," was the answer, "I ju>t tok>k another plough."

(JCITE TUE CONTRARY. Sir James Graham of Netherby was attending a county meeting at Carlisle, accompanied by his son, then an embryo -.tiitesman, afteiw.ird-j well-known as the colleague of Sir Robert Peel. An old friend came up to him in the street, to whom he introduced his son, one of the handsomest men of his day, upwards of six feet in height, while Sir James himself was a slight little man, under five feet six inches. On the introduction hia friend remarked, • • Why, Netherby, your hon could put you in his pooket." " That may be, but all I can tell you is, be i* never out of mine."

ANOTHER WAY OF PETTING IT. Missing, a celebrated barrister, was defending a prisoner charged with stealing a donkey. The prosecutor tied the animal up to a gate, and when he returned it was gone. Missing waa very severe in bis examination of the principal witness. •• Do you mean to say, witness, the ass was stolen from the gate. "I mean to say, sir," giving the judge, aud then the jury, a sly look, at the Fametime pointing to the counsel, " the ass wa» Missing !"

Nine million acres of land in Germany are devoted to the cultivation of the potato. The product last year amounted to 25,000,000 tons. !

Professionalism in Football.—The introduction of professionalism into football (writes the St. James's Gazette of November 26th) appears to have lod ia the north to some unexpected consequences, one of which is the revival of the amenities which were better know in connection with the press-gaug system in days gone by, It is well known that some of the best exponents of the Association game are to be found amongst theScottish artisans who play for their locil clubs without remuneration. Some o* the Lancashire clubs who want good players, and are willing to pay well for them, appear to be sending •• recruiting: sergeants" round Scotland, to carry away with them any good Scottish players who can be induced by hook or crook to leave their native places. One enterprising agent recently tried his insidious arts upon some members of the important Vale of Leven Club, in Dunbartonshire; but, upon the inhabitant becoming aware of what was going on, a popular ferment occurred. The agent, on being informed what was preparing; for him, made for the station ; but a mow of 500 people appear to have got there before him, and some suggestions as to tarring and feathering were made. Eventually however upon his giving an undertaking not to fhow his face again, he departed unscratched, and, further, promised to nuke known in Lancashire the treatment which any other emissary may expect. And this he will probably do without fail.