Amusing.

Waikato Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2119, 6 February 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Amusing.

Stkrn Parent:" Another bad report, my son? "Yei-, papa, you must really talk to my teacher, or he will keep on doing it." A Vkrmoxt husband got wind of the proposed elopement of his wife, and frustrated it by keeping guard over the silk dress. She wouldnt run away in a calico gown and he knew it. An exchange says that " married life should be a sweet, harmonious song, like one of Mendelssohn's ' without words."' But wives are not chosen from deaf aud dumb atylums always. " I declare Mr Blank," said a guest to the landlord of a Bar Harbour hotel, " your table is even worse than it was last year." And the indignant Boniface answered without reflection; "That is impossible." " When I am a candidate," said a politician, " I always borrow money of every man who promised to vote for me, for you see they have a mighty lively interest in my election then, and I get their votes and their money !" A little boy, whose impecunious parents are always moving from one house to another, was asked by the Sun-day-school teacher: "Why did the Israelites move out of Egypt ? " Because they couldn't pay their rent, I reckon." "How are you, Smith?" asked a Fourth avenue man of a friend he had not seen for nearly a year. How are all the girls ? Are you as sweet upon Miss Jones as you used to be ?' " Oh, no, I left that off several months ago." " Had a quarrel?" "No! I married her last August." A Nbw York doctor says people might just as well eat sawdust as oatmeal for breakfast. If that doctor only knew how many agilo paragraphers will vouchsafe the remark that he probably bases his declaration on the fact that sawdust is very fine board he would have restrained himself from philanthropic motives. She stood on the cool piazza As the shades of evening fell, And I gazed on the lovely maiden, Entraced by her beauty's spell. The balmy evening zephyrs Played with her golden tress; And her azure eyes were swimming In a sea of tenderness. Her lips just slightly parted, Wore tinged with the coral's flame, And I thought that her cheeks' bright blushes The hue ot the rose would shame. While grazing in admiration On tho rose and radiant lass, I thought sweetest music only Though tho.se coral lips could pass. But a sudden change came o'er her, Gone was the smile so bland : And she smote in sudden anger The back of her lilly hand. And nhfl cried, " Ha ! ha ! I've got you, You'll trouble my peace no more ; You're the .same darned mosquito That I tried to mash before!"

THE BOY CYCLONE. Has he crossed your lusy pathway, that visible incarnation of' surcharged energy and vitality — that human representation of a well-developed cyclone —that concentrated essence of the freedom and power of incipient manhood? He wakes in the morning with a wild " halloo," takes time by the forelock with an energy that defies defeat, goes to bed with a bound that sets the springs to chaftering like a million castanets, and in five minutes is sound asleep, gathering new strength for the antics of the morrow.

EPITAPHS. ON A TEMPERANCE MAN. A noted temperance man lives here. The green turf o'er his head. No man e'er saw him on his bier Till after he was dead.

ON AN AMATKUK ANOJ/ER He angled many a purling brook But lacked the angler's .skill; He lied about the fish he took, And here he's lying still

ox ran actor. Ambition'h part he ofton essayed, But never won renown ; And iv the last great act ho played Dunth rung the curtain down ; For fame he longed ; it kept afar. And life was tull of jars ; And if he failed to be a star, He's now above the stars.

on a policeman*. Pause, stranger, pause, ar.d drop a tear, To pass would be a poor way To .show respect —a c>p sleeps here Instead of in a doorway.

ON" AS HONEST B VKEU. No biead he needs, he needs no dough, He sleeps the bleep that needs no wak in?; He did much baking here below, But now he's gone where there's no baking. "Oil. I can't wn«r," pletded a young man who femininely wanted to be coaxed before gratifying- his hearers. " Yes, you can. I've heard two or three of your friends say so," persisted a pretty girl to whom he had been talking. ,' No, I can't.," ho repeatol, getting up to go to the piano. " Yes, you can. Go on and sing now, please," she urged. He said he couldn't two or three times more, but he went ahead, and for half-an-hour his voice was the most prominent thinj? in the room. Then he came buck smilingtothelidy. "Ah," she said, wearily, " thanks. You were quite ritrht about the singing." His face clouded, and he never spoke again to tho girl who agreed with him. They stood beneath the summer skies and watched the stars in ceaseless, brilliant twink. It was a night to bring the angels from the blue that they might lay their gentle hands upon the evening air, and, touching every heartstring, fill tho world with harmony. " And this is love," she suid, looking into his face. " And love is religion," he continued, stooping to ki«s the pretty pinkness off her cheek. " What religion ?" she asked, naively, " Presbyterian, or Methodist, or B iptist, or Episcopalianf" "None of these, angel mine," folding her to his throbbing heart; " none of thet»e: it is you-an'-I-tarryin'," Devotional exercises were continued until a late hour.

QUEER SUBJECTS KOR A DOCTOR. "An Illinois doctor has discovered a sure cure for rheumatism in geranium leaves," says an exchange. This will be welcome news for geranium leaves afflicted with that distressing trouble. ANOTHER LABOUR-SAVING DEVICE. A New York genius has invented a machine to produce "loud and prolonged applause "at a public entertainment. A sound is evolved resembling the clapping of a large number of hands. The invention is timely. Several "leading American humourists " are going on the lecture platform the coming fall, and at a small outlay they can have their efforts greeted with sufficient applause to destroy the impression among the audience that they are listening to a funeral oration. A FLIP FOR FUPKINB. Flipkins came down to the club last night with a great problem weighing on his mind. "If I should stand on my head," he said, coming up to the boys with the air of a man who has got a poser, "if I stand on my head the blood all rushes into my head, doesn't it?" No one ventured to contradict him. "Now," continued he, triumphantly, " when I stand on my feet why doesn't the blood all rush into my feet?" "Because," replied Miss Cqshannigan's brother, "because, Flipkins, your feet are not empty."

Not a little uneasiness was occasioned in the best circles of society in St. Petersburg when it was learned that the executors of the popular actor, M. Zelt, recently deceased, had found among his papers no less than 5000 love letters addressed to him by female admirers in all ranks of life. Zelt was a remarkably handsome man, and these letters betrayed an amount of folly and infatuation on the part of the writers, which was scarcely credible. As they were of such a character as to compromise the character of many ladies in a good position, the whole of the documents were oomuiitfcd to th« flames,