GLEANINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXII, Issue 1796, 10 January 1884, Page 4

GLEANINGS.

The stingiest man we know is a miserly old bachelor who talks through his nose so as to save the wear and tear of his voice on hia false teeth. It would be quite easy to pay the National debt by imposingatax on beauty. There is-i't a woman living in the country who would not demand to be assessed. Clergyman : " I'm afraid you're tipsy, Lauchie." Lauchie : "Ye needna be feer.l— yer quite rect." Clergyman : " I'm sorry for it." Lauchie : " So am T, for I got fou far ower-soon. The whuskey was gran' !" A youno woman applied at the relief bureau in Galveston the other day with a paper containing the following : — "This unfortunate woman is the daughter of an old and childless father, aud she supports several young brothers by her work." "Ah! say what they will," sighed Mrs Blobbs, weeping and lamenting o'er her stricken dear, '• say what they will, my poor old man were always a hexellent 'and at deranging things," and those who knew the dear departed said that Mrs B. was perfectly right. John Brown's New Zealand Brother. — "Atlas," in the London World, says: — "A correspondent informs me that the Clark who has succeeded to some of the duties of the late John Brown is a nephew of that person. Brown's sister, it appears, married a certain Clark, and the pair kept a little rural shop near Balmoral. The whole entourage of servants at Balmoral who do not happen to be Browns are Clarks, and there is a fiim offeusive and defensive ring-fence of lelationship. All the Brown brothers found their way to Royal service except one, who emigrated to New Zealand, and settled on a little farm he made for himself on the West Coast of the Middle Island. Some years ago, at Her Majesty instance, the emigrant Brown returned home, and was installed as ' grieve ' of the Balmoral Home Farm. This was a great promotion indeed. But a year of the position sufficed for the Brown whom colonial experience had emancipated from the gillie traditions of his race. Roundly swearing that he was stifled in the atmosphere of sneaking and flunkeyisin that tainted the Deeside air, he shook the dust of the Home Farm from off his honest feet, and hied him back to New Zealand and freedom. An Arukn't Admirer. — A hard-feat-ured man, dressed in a new suit of very cheap black, called at the house of a well-known clergyman, and, upon giving his name, was invited to lake a seat in the gentleman's study. " I have a few days to spend in the town," said the visitor, "'and I did not want to leave without calling and paying my respects to you. I have hoaul you preach many a time." " Yes?" said the paison, beginning to take an inteiest in the \ isitor. "I like your preaching, and, though I do not belong to your church, yet I must say that you preach the best sermon I ever heard." " Yes", said the paison. " There are so very few good preacheis now, &o very few in whose uprightness we can place trust, that when we meet one of the right kind, we like to express our appreciation." "Yes," the good man repeated ; and, as a bell tinkled, he arose and said, " come, my friend, and take some lunch with me." The visitor was only too happy, and, seated at the table, began to eat with an avidity that attracted his host's attention. " You say that yon have heard me preach many a time ?" remarked the minister. " Oh, yes !"' the man replied, conveying an ample allowance of mashed potatoes in his mouth. "I don't remember ever having seen you at my church. I suppose you heard me in the country ?" " No," said the visitor, helping himself to bean«, " not in the country." " Certainly not in town ?" •' Well, sorter yes and sorter not. You know you preached at the penitentiary for some time. I was in there for stealing a horse and cart, and finished my time to-day. Thank you for the bread.,' Aetemu.s Wakd'k Kangaroo. — When Artemus Ward decided to go to Europe upon his last and fatal visit, he determined to permanently house his pet kangaroo in quartet s where it would be sure of kind treatment and good care for the rest of its life. Seeming such a refuge required some diplomacy, but Artemus was equal to the task. One day dining a short visit to Cleveland, he called upon his old friend and companion, George Hoyt, the associate editor of the Daily Plain Dealer, and said, after the usual small talk : " George, we have always been good friends, and on the whole I believe I owe you something." "' Hardly." said Hoyt, remembering some of Ward's practical -jokes. " Taking everything into consideration, I believe tnat I owe you half-a-dozen or so." " But lam serious," said Waul, as he took Hoyt by the hand. " I have long had it in my mind to make you a present of value, something, you know, that would cause you to think of me now and then, when I am away across the water. This comes from the heart, George, and I shall feal arie\ ed unless you accept it, and treasure it closely and warmly for my sake. I want you to take it, and to get out of it all the good that the situation will allow." Artemus's manner was so earnest that Hoyt met him half way. ■' All right," he said ; '• do as you will, old boy, and no more words about it." "' You shall hear fiom me soon," said Ward, as he wrung Hoyt's hand and went up the street. Hoyt heard from him. Three hours after Ward's departurcan express waggon drove slowly down Superior-street, and halted in front of the old Plain Dealer building. In the waggon was a laige box with a dozen holes punched through the lid. Two men picked it up and with difficulty carried it into the editorial room and deposited it belore Mr. Hoyt's desk. Tacked upon it was a card bearing this inscription :—: — George Hovr. A present from his best friend. Ai tennis Ward. Take him with my blessing and may he stick closer than a brother. With a sinking heart Hoyt produced a hatchet and removed the lid. Inside the box, as demuie as a deacon, sat Ward's kangaroo. Hoyt' first impulse was to nail down the lid and to send the box back, with his compliments ; but remembering his promise to accept the gift, he concluded to make the be&t of the situation, and to give the animal the care and attention which he knew Ward expected it would receive. He accordingly sent the " travelled animal" home, where it rested safe and happy, secure in the affection and regard of its owner, and with good housing and plenty to eat. I saw it a few days ago by Mr. Hoyt's invitation. A corner of his brick barn on Euclid-avenue has been fitted up \iov its use, and his stablemen has it in special charge. When Mr Hoyt opened the door of its room and called out, " Artemus ! Artemus !" the gray old fellow came out with a few slow and dignified hops, and sat down fearlessly at our feet. "He is getting old and shaky about the joints," said Mr. Hoyt, " and we cannot get half the amusement out of him that was pos&ible ten years ago. " — Correspondent of American Paper. RvtsandMioe. — If you wish to destroy them get a packet of Hill's Magic Vfrmin Kirxrß in packets, Od, 9<l, and Is, to be obtained ef all storekeepers, or from T. B. Hill by enclosing an extra stamp. One Shilling. — Francis J. Shortts' Popular Art Union. — Ten first-class Oil Paintings by celebrated artists. 5000 tickets at Is. Thepiizes are magnificent and costly. Country subscribers sending stamps or otherwise will have tickets by return post. Enclose stamped envelope for reply. — Fkancis J. Shortt, 140, Queen -strpet, Auckland. — [Advt.] Lifk in the Bosh— Then and Now. — It is generally supposed tbat in the bush we have to put up with many discomforts and privations in the shape of food. Formerly it was so, but now, thanks to T. B. Hill, who has himself dwelt in the bush, if food does consist chiefly of tinned meats his Colonial Saucu gives to them a most delectable flavour, making them as well of the plainest food most enjoyable, and instead as hard biscuits and indigestible damper his Improved Colonial Baking Powder makes the very best bread, scones, cakes, and pastry far superior and more wholesome than yeast or leaven. Sold by all storekeepers who can ob« tjuq it from any merchant in