CLIPPINGS.

Waikato Times, Volume XXI, Issue 1779, 29 November 1883, Page 4

CLIPPINGS.

When a Missouri boy has been thrashed by his father for playing truant, he , alludes to the old man as having been on a whaling voyage, and getting lots of blubber. On very grand occasions his Majesty of Dahomey despatches a gorgeously-got-tip ambassador, with a royal umbrella over his head, to take his compliments to bis good friend the ocean. It is an office of much dignity and honour, but not tjreatly sought after, because etiquette prescribes that the ambassador, after being taken out to sea in a canoe, shall be thrown overboard to the shai ks. NIEOE : "Aunty, dear, the young artist, Herr Schmidt, again entreated me at the ball last evenirg to lend him my photograph, which, he says, will be of inestimable value to him m painting his new picture. He promises to return it as soon as the picture is iinished. May 1 give it to him !" Aunt: " Well, I think it will be all right if you enclose with it a picture of your mother, or some othei elderly person ; to send your pictuie alone would be a terrible breach of etiquette." Irresistible.— The other day, when Bridget the valiant was engaged, Mis Jones answered the door-bell herself and found a glib, silver-tongued agent had taken possession of her steps and was checking something in his memorandum book, when she answeaed his fluent ling "Is your mamma m, Miss?" lie asked with a pensive smile. Airs Jones was rather taken aback. She was so accustomed on such occasions to the stereotyped question— " Is the lady of the house at home ?" that she haidly knew what to say. " 1 sec she is not," continued the stranger, with a look of keen dissappointmciit overclouding hib face. ,• I had wished to have seen hei in legard to a cosmetic I sell. You, with your, fresh, youthful completion, would hardly need' it." "You can't sell anythiug here," said Mis Jones lecoveung herself ; "we never buy from agents " No ? Well, I'm soiry : for consumption has claimed me for its o\\ n,"' saul the man with a melancholy cough. ;' Aic you nearly out of bibles '' I am li\ ing to do a little good in the woild bcfoic I leave it by selling the besb and cheapest revision of the sacied " " No !l don't want any Bibles," snapped Mis J., " and I'll be much obliged to ,\ou if you'll take your things oil" the stup so that I can close the door." " Ceitainly, certainly , Miss— youth and beauty ; and yet there is a sad, dreary look that tells biliou'iiees ; now these liver pills "' " Will you go ?" exclaimed Mis Jones, as she tried to get the door closed. " Oh, if I only had abloom." "Bioom ! broom !" ciied the stianyei, with a drimatic gesture ;" who says b-r oom ? Not this young and lovely being m the hcait of a great city. Brooms, my dear young lady, belong to the daik ages. You never, never should wield so common an implement. Let me sell jouacupet sweeper — an iiivcntation that will remove the dust of ayes without fatigue or diseomfoit to yoiusclf ; patenthinged, self-guiding, nickel-plated, pre-mium-medal caipet swcopci. Lo\cly creature , don t difcti»uic those giaceful hands with a. bioom, w lien, for a tew paltry dollars, you can buy a cat pot sweeper." "Icouldn thelpit, Jephtha, 1 ' explained Mis Jones, \\ in-n her husband fell over the oaipit -sw ecpor upon Ins return home. "I didn'twantit any moie than a cat wants two tails, but you ought to have hcaid the cieatme talk, I believe I'd have bought a camdcopaid if he hnd had one ior sale and asked me to :he just talked me into ifc." But she never told Jone^ v, hat lie said. UXEMtTIIINC dl' VN Oi |i SMUI.CLINfi Craft. — A unions '• iin 1 " has been m.ule recently in the neighbourhood of of Sandwich, in Kent, close to thephee where the river Btour unkes ita e\it into the sea. Thi« i-> nothing le^s than the bniied hull ot a old smuggling vessel, lyin« half ooveied in mud at t!ie bottom of the stream. It Piu»t have lain eiiibedded in its rt-»tiug-pl ice for se\eial centuries, inasmuch as some of the wood of which it was composed had uudoigone petrifaction. The s./.c of the lugger is about 40 tons, and it ia supposed th.it she was engaged m cat i j inn on a contiaband tiadcwhen she was .sunk light in midstream by a well aimed shot horn some Government ship. Tins .supposition ia tendered almost reit.nn by tlie fact that in the disentombed \esselwcie found seveial .stone |.us of antique shape, and packages of decayed and mouldy tobacco, while a 111b ball \uis embedded in the timbeis of the hull. One of the jars had been so secuiely sealed up as to have escaped the clleets ot time and water, and in it retained some "stiongsmelling liquoi," whieli ought to be handed over to a competent analyst without delay. The tie.tsiue ttovc w,as come acioss in a pciiectly accidental way. It was iound lately that an obstruction existed m the bed of the ii\er, and the authontius at Sandwich ha\cn gave ordpio for its iemoval, when the obstacle to navigation w.is found tn be the contraband lugger in question, which will probably now be laioed and caicfully investigated by nielhuologists. The smuggleis who loaded that vessel with their siuieptitiom goods some couple of hunched yeais ago little thought that they vcrc pioviding materials lor a museum of cmiosities in the Victorian eia. Barometer- 1' \ vrx --1 roOen^tein was busily engaged scolding Herman for not polishing a lot of cheap jewellery thcie was in the showcase, when a stoopshouldeied countiynun entered the stoic and inquired — " Have you got any good jean pants heie?" "Ceitainly. my frient,"' replied Hoffenstein. "Ye makes a specialty of goods in dot line, und ye defy competition. If vc sell anyding und you don't like it, you gets your money back or someding else in exchange, you know. Yas you a fanner?' 1 "Yes, sir; 1 live up on Rod River." "Well, den, you want a bairof bants hki dese," said Hollenbticn, pulling out a sky-blue pair from a pile of clothing on the counter. " Dcy v.-is de geueevine doeskin, and \ ill last de u hole year iound, you know." Tin* count] v man took the pantaloons to the light, examined the texture of the cloth, and then shaking Ins head knovvlinglv, , .s.'M - " Thoio's too much cotten in them ; they will slninL ' "Of couisc. my fiient, dey will shi ink. but vait und I dells you someding. It a man vat owns a punt or keeps a stoic comes heie, I don't sell him them kind uf pants. Vy ? Because dey was made exbressly for the farming pi/ness. Dey was de derrnomeier pants und a blessing to every faimm vat veai.sa bair uf dem. Do you know, my fuent, do^e pants vill dell you exactly vat de \edder vill be. Yen it was going to be vet and cold, does pants vill begin to shrink up, und yen it was going to bo dry and warm dey conies right down, you know. Dree years aco I sells a bair of dem to a man vat vas name Vilkin«, und elTer since den he j makes good crops yen de oder people don't make noding, because hs always knows by de dei mompter vat de vedcler vill be. Afder a vile de beople in cte neighbourhood finds oud de segret uf Vilkin's success, und at de beginning uf de blanding season, you know, dey comes for dirty miles aiound, und if dcy .see Vilkins' pants crawling up his legs dey holds off und vaite for a change ; but if his pants vas down dey goes light back home and put in de crop. Dink uf it, my frient. Mid de dermometer bants you can dell exactly yen to put in cabbage seed, und blant corn dwice as better as mit any almanack. Besides, yen the vedder gets so cold und vet dot de pants goes up under your arms, you can sew buttons on de front un wear dem ns a vest. When Hoffcnstein finished his yarn concerning the pantaloons, the countiyinatt Miiilcd, and, turning abruptly on Ins lieel, left the stoic. "Did you see de vay dot man acted, Hainan?' paid Hodeuatttin, iingtily. " Yes, sir," replied the clerk. " Veil, it shust phows dot 'le more yo,U try to help ssomo beople alontf, (lv wore y^u don't got any danks for it,"

A mkdical student, whilst; undergoing an examination, on being asked, "Supposing that you were sent for to the case of a man who was blown up, what is the first thins you would do T at once replied, " Wait until he came down !"' Old Mis B came to town last week on an exclusion, ami, when she was asked why she wns in such a huny lo leave she lcplicd, " J've g'>t to ; yon sec as how I come in on an exertion train, and my ticket peiajmcs, to-night." "What is yo-ai fathei, my pietty maid?' 1 "Fathei's a miller, sir, she said. " Which is his mill, then, my pretty m.ud?" "Thatovei yonder, sir," she said. " Why, that is the tread-null, my pretty maid!" ' Six .months is his sentence, sir !" she said. A MiXTixn of the ci editors of William Dawhon, cattle dealer, of Winterton, an absconding bankrupt, was held at Giini'iby on Wednesday. It was staled that the debtoi's liabilities, amounted to some £30,000. On the day befoie absconding the debtor, who was .a local preacher, preached from the word.*, "Son owing must of all for the woids which he spake, that they should sec his face no moie. And they a eonipamed him unto the ship." It is believed that the debtor has fled to Spain.— Lloyd's Weekly. "What have you got for dinner ?" inquiied a disgusted tiaveller of the waiter. The tiaveller had bien in the town 24 hours without taking an o^ler. "ltoast duck, s.ir." "Ah, was the cluck shot on the wing?" "I guess so." "Trying to get away from the cussed place, wasn't he?" "I piesume likely enough, sir." "(lood bud — sagacious fowl -laia a\is 1 admire Ids pluck and 1 ity his mibfoilune. You may bung me tli.it duck. 11l take tho whole of him. I'll help him nlom; on the load."' — Jr Iho ah of a loom smells sweet theie is apt to be no conMdciation ot the danger which may "-ti'lhuk in the at mospheie in gases and oiganie impiuities whose natuial odouis aie subdued by something "tiongei. When foul g.^cb cannot bo detected by the nose, defic tne di.iins will not bo lcpaiicd, much less e\amined for hidden detects. The only safety fiom sewer fas is to bar it out of the house ; and w hen this can be so easily and so posithely done, it is ciiminaf that it should not be done. As to foul an, theie need be none m a house except such as comes horn the bieath, and caused by the exactions of the skin ; this may be, also, easily and quickly lemoved b\ a simple ventilation thron«h giato oi sio\e. Thcic need be no refuse within the four walls of a house, nor, indeed, near it, without the walls, it people would u-spect the plain rcriiuremtiits of decency. As to " tungiis genus'*-- whatever they may be— diy walls, diy foundations and diy rooms will pie\ ent then qiowth. As to diffusing ■'di'infeetinr; agents,"' disinfection in the sense of destioymy the j,eims of disease nuans the destitution of human as well as goim life. Xovapom will dfstioy the germs, or poison, of small-pox, &cailet fc\ci oi diphtheua, which may be tianspoited liy sewer-gns, that will not also destioy the peison who bicathts it — Detioit Fiec Piess. Til h late Rev l>i Wmhtman, of Kiikmahoe, one night, lilting later than usual, sunk in the. piofundities of a gieat folio tome, imagined he heaid a sound in the kitchen inconsistent with the quietude and sccuuty of a manse, so, taking lu^ candle, he piocccded to investigite the cause. His foot being heai d m the lobby, the housekeeper began with all Luuuvstne&s to co\ei the Ine, as if piep.uing tor bed. " Ye'ie Lite up to-night, M.uy." "I'm rakm' the Ino, sn, and gaun to bed." "That's light, Mdiy: I like tinious hotu s. ' On lu^ way back to the study he passed the co,d-closet,ind tin msigtlie key, took it w i th him. Xo\tnioining,alaneaily honi, theie was a lap at his bedioom door and a icqnest fen the key to light the inc. " \e'ie too soon up, Maiy ; go back to youi bed v't.' 1 Half .m hoiu latui tlieie vas another knock and a sinnlai it quest, u> oidei to piepaie the bieakla<-t " I dun t want bleak fast so soon. Mai\ : go bai k to youi bed" Anothei half houi, and anothei knock, with uitic.ity loi the k-y, 'is it was w islnug d.i\ ' This was enoiuih lleiose and handed oat the key, vising, "(Jo and let Lhe man out ! ' Maiy's Mveetheait had, as the niiii'stcr shiewdly suspected, been mipusoncd all night m the coal closet, wheic, J'yianiiS and-Tiu^bc-like, they had bicafched then love to each other tlnough the keyhole. A \ i.kv wealthy and beautiful ghl fell inkncwitha young man, who passed hei window evciy moining He had beautiful big, sad black eyes, and lair hair brushed back fiuin a noble blow, and under his aim he always canied a brown book. &he used to sit by the w r mdow every moining and watch for his coming, and picsently he began to notice her, and one d.w he bi ought a bunch of violets and placed them on the sill ot the bioael ban od window, and then fc he was sine he was a poet, and eveiy morning he did the same thing, until she f.uily giew to woiship him. JJut one day near the end ol the month he came and lang the fiont door bell and piesenied a bill of oQ "for \ inlets deli\eicd at the house e\ciy moining," and then the lovesick maiden diseoveicd he was a groceiy clerk and thebi ow n book was his lunchoen box. It was an Ohio man, who, when a teinble stoim Ivgan one nigh I, uisbed into the house ot a neighbour and cued out : "Jones, this is the ending up of earth ! ' "I am at i aid so," was the reply. " And what shall we do ?" " Make our peace with heaven." The wind blew still stionger, the liouse hej.in to shake, and the excited man exclaimed : " Jonc*, you lost five bushels of wheat last Fall?" " Yes." "And you have, yoursuspicions?" " I have. The man who took my wheat hud better own up." "Can you foigive him" "I can "Well "Keic the wind suddenly dropped, and, after a look tlnough fie window, tin 1 conscienccstiieken man tinned and finished " Yes, if everT meet him, I'll advise him to call around." "The quickest com tship on iccoid," said one old lesidcnt, " was that of Dr Nick McDowell, w ho, dii\ ing along the stiect in his buggy one day, saw a beautiful gill '-t.indii'g :vfc the window, lie lnuiv diatclj stopped and hitched his hoi se, rang the bell, luquned tin, lady's name, was usheied into the parlour, announced his own name, paid he was ' pleased with her appeaiance and wished to mairv her at once.' Nothing but the know ledge that she. was actually in the pretence of the oclclnated physician kept hei iiom tainting. To her plea of ' surprise at this unexpected announcement,' he only replied, 'Now or never.' When she asked to ' take a week* to consider,' he said, 'I am going down street to attend a critical case and have no time to spare right now.' 'Give me a day, then." I'll tell you what I'll do. When I am through with this professional visit, I'll drive aiound and get a picaeher ; if you've made up your mind toinairy me by that time, all right !' and he left her, breathless and unable to aiticnlatc another word. When he returned they were quietly married. 'No cards.'"—. met ican Paper. Rats and Mick. — If you wish to destroy them get a packet ot tin I 'sM\r.ic Vi tunsKm i r in packets, Gd, Od, and Is. to be obtained of all storekeepers, or liom I. H. Hill by enclosing <tn es.tra stamp One Shilling. — Francis J. Shortts' Popular Art Union. — Ten first-class Oil Paintings bv celebrated artiste. 13000 tickets, .it Is. The pri/es aie m.ifrnificent and costly. Country •subscribes sending 1 it.imps or otherwise will have tickets by return post. Enclose stamped envelope lor reply.— Francis J. .Shouti, 140, Queen-street, Auckland.— -fAnvi.] Lifk in this Bush— Then axd Now. — It is generally supposed that in the bush we have to put up with man) discomlorts and privations in the shape ot food Formerly it was so, but now, th.mks to T K. Hin, who h.is himself dwelt in the luisli, if food does consist ilneflv (if tinned nv.iis hi*- »"oio\»ai Su'ci' tribes to them aniost delert ible fl nour, making them as well of (In pi I'.pe'.l food mo-t et.i'ci\ ible, and msto id is h lid hi'-fiiil'. mil indifrf.sliri'i' d miprr li!s Im I'kovi n Coiomai IIAMNfi I'ow en h m ikes the icrvbcM hrc-Td Tnncv, r.iKe 1 ;. ,md p^istrv far =nppiior and morr xvlifilcsfunp th.in u'nst or leaven. Sold liy a]l stnrckvYP'T* wh r > can obuin it frorn^ inV^ch.mt ip, Auckland.