WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Western Star, 31 March 1911, Page 6

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

4~ SACKWOODS HOTEL COMFORTS. I “Please, sir," said the bell-boy to the manager of the Golden Gate Hotel, Kansas, “No. 3fi says ther« sn’t a towl in his room.” “Tell him to use the curtain if here’s one to his window.” “He says there ain’t any pillers.” “Telll him to put his coat and masers under his head.” ’“And he wants a bowl of water to A'ash in.” “Grumbler ! He’s the worst I ever .aw in my life. Carry him up the norse-pail.” “He wants to know if he can have i light.” “Here, confound him ! Give hire 3iis lantern, and ask him if he wants the earth, and if he’ll have it fried inly on one side, or turned over.” A FISHY ARISTOCRAT. The idol of the boarding-house was Lord Gus Vere-de-Vcre ; no other nan had o’er a chance when this young lord was near. He’d thrilling stories by the scoreill o’er the world he’d been. His mow-white linen, faultless suits, made all with envy green. That most aristocratic air pro•laimed his high degree—plainly, he was a mover in the best society. The ladies all adored him, and each bought her proper sphere in life ihe’cl lind if she could be “My Lady iH Vere-de-Vere.” • One morn a new arrival came—a mlgar man from town ; and such a latter he did cause. when to hreakast he came down. , , For thus he greeted Yere-de-Vere : “Why, Sammy, you look gay ; lave you closed your fried-fish shop :he fortnight you're away?” ... THE PASSWORD. ' Two Irishmen wanted to see’a ccr;ain play ; but, not having the nonay, hung round the stage door, vatching the actors go in. Ptesenty, up strolled two professionals, and laying to the doorkeeper, "both iro’s,” walked through. Pat, who had been taking it a R in, suddenly said to Mick : “Arrah, Mick —sure and Oi’ve got ;he passwurrd. Let’s go in.” Mick was quite willing, and walked ip to the doorkeeper. Swelling out lis chest, after the style in which he lad seen the professionals, Pat said, n a loud, confident voice : “Both crows !” “Well, you' can thundering quick ly away, theu,” angrily retorted the I loorkee; or, as he kicked them into | .he street. ' ' " * * NO KINDNESS INTENDED. One day .a woman of maiSjvg prolortions entered a crowded tramcar, md attached herself to a strap directly in front of a little man readng a newspaper. , As the car started . offi she swayed and lunged heavily against, the little nan’s newspaper, and placed one ponlerous foot on his favourite corn, , As soon as he could extricate himself, the little man rose, and offered ler his seat. “You are very kind, sir,” she said, as she pantingly screwed her gigantic frame into the proffered seat. “Not at all., madam,” the little nan replied, quietly. “It's not kindness, madam.—it’s simply sell-

i'ence.” UNNECESSARY. A family that had struggled many years in a poverty-stricken portion of the city suddenly came into' possession of a competence. They mov'd into a little place in the country and tried to impress their neighbours with their importance. They- talked ’distantly of what “people in our position” should and should not do. Some of their city ’ acquaintances > •ame to visit them one summer, and he little daughter of seven or eight •as showing them about the place. "What nice chickens.!’-’ exclaimed me of the guests when they reached he poultry-yard. “They lay every lay, too, I suppose ?” “Yes,” said the youthful' hostesa, “that is, they Could, of course ; hut ! n our position they don’t have to. * SOLD ! The good wife looked .up from her uniting. ■ “And did you tell the house-agent ve wanted him to sell our house ?’* he asked. “I did, my dear,” responded her spouse; “and it's to be advertised ■o-day.' She nodded. “I’m glad cf that !” she said, “this is such a dreadfully inconvenient house—the rooms are sc small, the staircase so narrow, and Mie outlook so wretched. I shall be glad to leave it. And now, dear, let us look at the advertisements, and see if there is anything to suit us.” Together they read through the “Desirable residences for sale.”. “Why,” she said suddenly, “here’s Ik; very thing ! Large rooms ! Splendid view ! Every modern convenience ! Oh, John, let’s go and take this place at once !” “H’m !” grunted John. “But that, lading, happens to be the advertisement of nlir mvn hnnuo I”

•iu.iiL oi our own nouse r UNLMPRESSIONISTIC. I he young lady was painting—sunset, red, with blue streaks and green dots. The old ristic—at a respectful distance—was watching. “Ah,” said the female artist, look- T ing up suddenly, and pretending she hadn’t known he was there all the time, "perhaps to you, too, Nature ■’•as- opened her sky-pictures page bypage ? Have you seen the lambent 1 ame of dawn leaping across’the livid Mast ; the red-stained, sulphurous islets floating in the lakes of fire In the West ; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as a raven’s wing, blotting out the shuddering moon ?" '“No mum,” replied the rustic shortly ; "not since I gave up al* cohul." Newspaper Punctuation.—A stranger in a printing office asked the youngest apprentice what his rule of punctuation was. "I set up as long ns I can hold my breath, and then 1 put in a comma ; when 1 gape I insert a semicolon, and when I want a chew of tobacco I make a par* graph*’’ t ., r „ f . -J “‘- -A t. --M a 4j) t ' {*'