Comic Cuttings.

Western Star, Issue 2216, 24 June 1898, Page 4

Comic Cuttings.

Foot-guards.—Boots. A particular friend —the one who insists that you shall repay his loans. Pie : “ Site has such a sad face.” She : “ I should say it would make anyone sad to have such a face.” Extract from a schoolboy’s composition :—“ It was a forest where the hand of man had never left its footprints.” The Sultan of Turkey has hit upon a new punishment for his refractory wives. They are to he condemned to ride the bicycle. He : “ Since your father won’t give me your hand In marriage, there’s no alternative but ” She ; " For me to give it you.” Maude : “How did you manage to keep your head above water so long ?” Clara (who came near being drowned) : “ I had on a new hat.” “ I went to two receptions last night and lost my umbrella at the last.” “ It’s a wonder you didn’t lose it at the first one.” “ That’s where I got it.” Mrs. Faste : “ Do you like to see women riding bicycles, Alfred ?” - JVfr. Faste : “ Yes, I like to see ’em very .’-well ; I think they look perfectly disgrjf-eful !” “ Pa, does Mr. Smiler burn candles at his house ?” “ No, my dear ; why do you ask?” “Why, I heard him say the other night that you couldn’t hold a candle to grandpa.” “ How did you get the reputation of being such a great connoisseur of art ?” “ Whenever I saw a picture that seemed to mo particularly ridiculous, I declared that it was sublime.” “ Are these your clothes or mine ?” asked the athletic man of his wife. “ Book in the hip-pocket,” was the reply. “ If it’s smelling salts, they’re mine ; if it’s brandy they’re yours.”

Lady, interviewing servant : “ I may tell you that we are vegetarians. • I suppose you are not one ?” Servant, anxious to be engaged : “ I’ve attended a vegetarian chapel all my life.”

The latest idea at weddings is to have a hoard covered with furniture velvet, stuck up in the “ present room,”

to which all the telegrams as they arrive are affixed with drawing-pins.

Mrs. Hicks : “ I’d like to know what you could have to say to that disreput-able-looking dogcatcher.” Hicks : “ I told him if your poodle got lost • to come around and I would give him a dollar.”

Mr. ITomly is not a beauty, and he knows it. When his first baby was born he asked, “ Does it look like me ?” Of course they all said yes. “ Well,” said he, “ you must break it gently to my wife.”

“ Look here, Maggie. You say you want to come with me to Paris merely to order some new frocks. Why, you can get everything you require in Bond- , street.” “ Oh, thanks, dearest ! That’s all I wanted !”

First in Peace : “ Did you find the bicycle useful on tiie battlefield ?” “ Yes, indeed ; we dashed up to the enemy, and then we stacked arms and shook hands. Every man on both sides rode the same make of wheel.”

“If vou were the only man in the world,” she said, emphatically. “ I wouldn’t have you.” “ Oh, well,” he replied, nonchalantly, “if I were the only man in the world, you couldn’t get me. I’d hold out for a harem.”

“ Say, daddy, what is it that distinguishes civilisation from barbarity ?” “ It is very simple : Civilisation consists in the art of killing your enemy with a cannon ball at a distance of 6000 yards, and barbarity in slashing his head off with a sabre.”

Borrowall (happening in) : “ That’s a fine machine of yours, Ferguson. Some day I’ll come round and take it out for a little spin. By the way, what kind of bicycle would you advise me to ride ?” Ferguson : “ I’d advise you to ride one of your own.”

Agent : “ Can’t I put a burglaralarm in your house ?” Lady : “ No, we don’t need it.” Agent : “ But ” Lady : "No ; I mean it. The family across the street watches the place so closely that even a burglar couldn’t get in without being seen.”

“ Girls,” said the tenor, as the choir gathered for rehearsal, “ you are not thinking of singing with your veils on, are you ?” “ Why shouldn’t we ?” asked the soprano and alto together. “ in singing through your veils you run a risk of straining your voices.”

Mr. Wickwire ; “ How is it that Mrs. Finnegan isn’t here to do the washing ?” Mrs. Wickwire : “ Her husband looked in long enough -to tell me that ‘ the old leddy had a fall and broke her bike,’ but he got away before I could ask him -whether he meant her wheel or her spine.”

Mr. Holliday : “ Young Delver is a good pattern for you, Kollo ; I don’t know as I over saw so diligent a student. He is always at work with Ids books.” Kollo : “ Yes, sir ; but when he comes to review his studies, just think what an unnecessary amount of work lie will have to do !”

"Lieutenant!” "Yes, sir." “Have you a platoon of scientists ready for active service V” “ Yes, sir.” “ Deploy them In front of the fortifications opposite our right wing, with instructions to turn on the cathode rays and find out how large a force the enemy has behind those walls.”

A watch has been made by a Swiss watchmaker, the hands of which .move from right to left, instead of from left to right, as in ordinary watches. This unique invention is designed for the markets of Turkey. Japan, and other Oriental countries, where the natives read from right to left.

She was absolutely guiltless of any naval knowledge, and he was showing her the sights between Portsmouth Pier and Kyde. “ Now, that big ship out there,” said he, “ is a man-of-war, and the little vessel on this side is a tug."

" Then that dear little one is a tug-of-war,” replied she cheerfully. “ I’ve read so much about them.”