Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 1339, 23 March 1889, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

He—' My darling 1 , you must be mine. I yearn for you every day.' She—' That's all right; but what I want to know is, will you earn for me every day after we are married?' There was a young man of North Wales, Who wished to be weighed in the scales; Six ounces of cheese, some leeks, and green peas, He ate ere he went to the scales. Fastidious Guest—(to clumsy waiter)—' If you can bring me a cup of coffee without spilling the coffee into the saucer, I'll give you sixpence.' (Exit: waiter, and re-enters promptly, carrying the cup in one hand and the saucer in the other. He puts down first one, and then the other, and takes the coin in silence.) 'Why, my dear,' said Knaggee, with'a ghastly smile, ' why would the world without woman, lovely woman, be like a blank sheet of paper ?' Mrs Knaggee, who had just been giving her man ' a piece of her mind,' smiled and«couldn't think.' '*: Why, because, don't you see, love,' said the long-suffering one, ' it wouldn't even be rufod.' A minister, noted among his acquaintances as being a most conceited man, chanced one Sunday to be invited into the pulpit of a brother minister, and during the services was somewhat surprised to hear nimself prayed for in the following manner:—'O Lord! bless this venerable brother that is with us to-day. Keep him humble; let him not think he is something when he is nothing.' Negro preachers sometimes quote Scripture in their own peculiar way. One quotation runs,as follows:—' As Solomau said to Moses when he was in the whale's belly, Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian,* after which was sung the verse of a negro hymn:— " ' De Lord him lub de niggar well, Him know de niggar by de smell! And when de niggar jchildren cry, De Lord he gib him opossum pie." ' Did you %teal ;the complainant's coat?' asked a magistrate of a seedy individual who was arraigned before him. I decline to gratify the morbid curiosity of the public by answering that question,' reaponded the seedy individual, with a scornful glance at the reporters. Hume, Smith, and otner literati of the last century used to frequent a tavern iti alow street in Edinburgh called the Potterrowj where, if their accommodations were not of the first order, they had at least do scantiness of their victuals. One day, as the landlady was bringing itfa third s ipply of some particularly good dish, she addressed them thus : —«They ca' ye the Uterawti, I believe; bd, if they were to ca' ye thn eaterawti, they would be nearer the mark.'

The doctor of a lunatioasylum was in the bath-room One d<*y watching a number of his patients bathe, when one of them called out suddenly,' Let's duck the doctor !' The cry was taken up at once,' Ljt's duck the doctor!' Seeing his danger, the-doctor," with great prompitude, said, • All right, boys ; but suppose, now, you give the doctor a cheer >efore ducking him.' This reasonable proposition was at once acceded tof and a ringing'cheer resounded through the building, which at once brought the keepers, as the doctor expected, and he was saved.

A modern writer gives the following enumeration of the qualities of a female eye: •The glare, the stare, the sneer, the invitation; the defiance, the denial, the consent, the glanoe of love, the flash of rage, the uparkling of hope, the languishment of softness, the squint of suspicion, the fire of jealousy, and the lustre of pleasure* f

First football enthusiast—• How are yoa getting oa with that pretty little charmer of yours, Harry ?' Second football enthusiast—- ' Badly; last time I called her father booted me out.' First football enthusiastic (interestedly)—' Was .it a 'punt 'or & f drop! 'i' Second football enthusiast (feelingly) • Neither; it was a' place' kick.' Young Minister (with rather exalted opinion of his own? don't think I need put on the gowa| John. Its only an encumbrance, though-some folks seem to think it makes the preacher more impressire.' Beadle (with less exalted opinion of the preacher's powers)— 'Aj, sir, that's just it, sir. It make's ye mair impressive—an' ya need it a', sir, ye need it a'.'

•Miss CJara,' he said,' can I speak to your father a moment before Igo ?' Certainly, Mr Sampson,' replied the girl, blushing, and with a wildly throbbing |heart she sought the old man. * Oh! papa,' she began, later, as the front door closed, 'what did Mr Sampson want?' 'l'm his landlord, you know. I let him his bachelor apartments, and he wants another three years' lease.' PES