Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 983, 19 September 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Is a dog worth what ho will fetch or what ho will bring ?

■' No, sir,” he said to tho captain, " I am not sea-sick, but I'm disgusted with the motion of the vessel."

Never speak of a grocer as a man of grit. Ho might suspect that you doubted the honesty of his sugar.

Every man may know exactly what is best for his neighbour, although he is tho greatest stranger to his own necessities.

Old Henry VIII. was an eccentric wooer. He never popped the question. He just married a woman and axed her afterwards.

“ Tho way to sleep,” says a scientist, “ is to think of nothing ;” but this is a mistake. Tho way to sleep is to think it is time to get up.

Tho mm or woman who has never loved, hugged, kissed, played with, listened to, or thoroughly spanked a child, has missed the cardinal joys of life.

An American newspaper, in quoting the vital statistics of Philadelphia, says, “ Of tho births, seven thousand three hundred and eighty-five were children.” An old maid at Aintree, being at a loss for a pincushion, made use of an onion. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.

What is the last important act that tho Duke of Wellington did?” asked a teacher of the juvenile class. “ I know," piped a freckled youngster j “ he died.” A street preacher in Glasgow has just been imprisoned three days for beating a dog with a Bible. Beating religion into the young is fast growing into disfavour, even in Scotland.

A young doctor spends his leisure hours in practising on the cornet, and passers-by, thinking ampu'ation is going on inside, are deluded as to the number of the man’* patients.

Speak of a man’s marble brow, and ho will glow with conscious pride; but allude to his wooden head, aud he’s mad in a minute. Language is a slippery thing to fool with much.

An old Scotchman at Nunhead got too much drmk one day, refused to go to bed, and went to sleep on the floor. In about four hours time he awoke, and shouted down* stairs to hs wife, “ Maggie, ye’ve never made the bed the day!”

It was a Frenchman who, contentedly lay* ing his head upon a large stone jar for a pillow, replied to one who inquired if it was not rather hard, “ Not at all, for 1 hare stuffed it with hay.”

A man applied for aid. “ You should go to work and tarn a living,” was the.indignant reply. “Go to work I it isn’t bad enough that I am so poor that I have to beg, but here you want me to work besides.”

A British sailor once defined the difference between a hurricane and a typhoon. “ In a hurricane the wind blows as hard as it can, but in a typhoon it blows as hard as it can and then gives a jerk.”

“ ‘ Shoot Polly as She Flies.’—-Pop.” was the way it appeared in the proof-slip. Tne argus-eyed proof-reader, however, knew the quotation intended and changed it to read i •• Shoot folly as she flies.—Pope.

A poetess warbles 1 " I love to sing when I am glad—song is the echo of my gladness, I love to sing when I am sad, for song makes sweet my very sadness.” From which we infer that she loves to sing. Her neighbours have not yet been heard from. Brown—“Oh, do, Black? I’m almost ashamed of myself for not calling before. But I’ve put it off, and put it off, until it did seem than I never would oaU." Black—- “ Don’t mention it my dear fellow. You are very kind. I’m sure.”

A Londoner made a bet that he would in* vent a question to which fifty people would all give the same answer. He won the bet. The question was, “ Have you heard that Smith has committed suicide ? ’ and the an* swer in every case was, “ What Smith P”

In Richmond Church, Surrey, may be seen a punning epitaph, as follows 1 “ Robert Lewis died in 1840, and was such a lover of peace that when a contention arose between life and death he yielded up the ghost to end. the dispute.”

Dr Newman spoke, in one of hii sermons of “ the funeral procession ” which followed Abel to the grave. An irreverent woman in the audience nudged her companion and whispered i “ Not such a large procession, but very select. Nono but the hrst families* 1 Society item—A paper published at Irwinton, Ghi., contains this personal t Miss Minnie Pickett will leave for her home in Lumpkin on next Friday. She leaves a, good many young men in this community to mourn her loss. Their loss will bo her eternal gain.

The president of one of the horse railroad companies tells the lollowiag story of one of bis employes i A woman who desired to stop on a street where it was not permissible, said to the driver, who told her he could not do so, “ You are no gentleman.” “Of course I'm not.” was the quick reply i do you think it I was I would work on this road. A welcome visitor—” Tell your mother that I am coming to see her soon,” said a lady on Austin avenue to Mrs Smverly’s little boy, who was playing in front of the gate. “I m glad you re coming, anu ma w Übe glad to see you too.” “ How do you know that she will be glad to see me?” asked tbe lady. “Ha* cause i heard her say yesterday she would be glad to see somebody who didn't ooma hero to collect a bill. She said nobody ever came io the house except men with bills, a Japanese San. Bordered by quirky lines Covered with qUdot designs— Tortuous trees and vines Drawn arubo.quely j Here are green gnliias seen, Elvers of purp.e sheen, Maidens in red and green, Smiling grotesquely. Haply beyond the seas.. Under the bamboo trees, Same jaunty Japanese Damsel possesses it } Haply her lover, too, When there was none to view, (Lovers quite often do 1) Kissed and caressed it. Now ’tis Jeannette’s, and sho Waves it so witchingly Whene’er she strays with me Down through the meadow That all my pulses s'ir, Thinking of it and her— Hang it I wish it were gapk thprq in j