Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 944, 2 May 1885, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Man is like a potato—Never sure when he will get into hot water.”

When a man is eating dates, can he be pro" perly said to be consuming time ? “ Maggie, I don’t like to see this dust on the furniture.” “ All right, mum ! I’ll pull down the blinds.”

Don’t fret i f you cannot go info society. The oyster is often present at a supper when he perhaps would prefer to be at home in his bed.

It is claimed by some medical men that smoking weakens the eyesight. Maybe it does, but just see how it strengthens the breath.

“ Circumstances alter cases ; but I wish I could get hold of some cases that would alter my circumstances,” said Lord Brougham when he was a struggling lawyer. A sceptical man, conversing with Dr Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr Parr replied, “ Then, young man, your creed will be the shortest of any man’s I know.”

“ How are you getting along ?" asked an old judge of a younger lawyer. “ Very well, thank you,” was the reply, “ I got my first case to-day.” “ Indeed! And what was it F” “ A bookcase.”

She skated at the roller rink, She sat down on the floor, She didn’t say a single word—• She doesn’t, skate no more.

A clergyman was one day talking with his landlord, a Universalist, on the personality of the devil. A little incredulous, the gentle* man remarked. “ I should like to see the devil.” “Can’t you wait, my good fellow?” was the quiet reply.

A farmer says that a cow can be cured of kicking by catching hold of her leg while in the act. Just so j and a bee can be cured of stinging by catching hold of her sting while in the act. Try ’em both. It’s fun. The first lady teacher of Latin and Greek in Rome has been “ intrusted with a chair in the High School for Ladies.” An observing young man offers to wager that she has already garnished her chair with an aggravating tidey.

Miss Bitterlip poked her bachelor friend, Oldpump, m the ribs with her umbrella, and asked, " JDo you believe in woman’s rights f” "Yes,” be answered, “ and I love to celebrate them.” “ Celebrate them ! What do you mean P” “ I mean her funeral rites.” “Look here. This piece of meat don’t suit me. It’s from the back of the animal’s neck.” “ Mine frien’, all dot beef vot I sells is back of dot neck. Here vas nodding but horns in front of dot neck.” Missßoseleaf (whois trying to versation) —“ What do you Noodle, makes our hostess’s variably stupid?” Mr Van Noodle—weally, I haven’t a guest of an ideaw.” Miss' R. “ And all the other gentlemen are very much like you. Yes, that must be the reason.” He (solemnly)—“ You had a very narrow escape last night. Miss Julia.” She—“ Mercy, what do you mean ?” He—“ Well you see I had a dream about you. I thought 1 was just about to kiss you when the Chinaman rapped at the door and I woke up.” She (after a pause)—“The Chinese must go.” Only the intimate friends of the families invited. ’ A country apothecary, not a little distinguished for his impudence, in the hope of disconcerting a young clergyman, whom he knew to be a man of singular modesty, asked him in the presence of a large company at a public assembly, “ Why did the patriarchs of old Jive to such an extreme age?” to which the clergyman replied, “ I suppose tna ancient patiiarehs took no physio.” ;:c , • One day opposing pickets on the Rappahannock, during the war between North and South in the United,States, agreed not to fire. A brisk conversation arose between a Texan and an Irishman on the Federal side. “ What are you doing in the Yankee army ? What are you fighting for, anyhow?” said the Texan. “ I’m a-fightin’ for thirteen dollars a month] Ibelaveyou’re a-fightin’for eleven dollars, answered JPat. ■

The worthy precentor of a villagejkuk being absent from his duties one Sunday on aooount of illness, his successor, who was rather green at the office, before he got through .the verse of a psalm bad sung quite a number of different tunes. The minister, observing this, quietly but sternly inquired—" My dear John what tune is that you have been- singingP” “ Variety sir," came the quick response from the undaunted precentor. In the Churchyard of a village in Rutlandshire there is a large stone raised to the memory of a waggoner. On the tpp is a representation of a waggon and horses, a gate, a green hedge and a waggoner. ICaoh side is decorated with implements of husbandry. After the age of the person, time of death, &c„ there are the following finest— /'

“ Here lies the body of Nathaniel Clarke, Who never did no harm in the light nor n the dark j But in his blessed horses taken great delight And often travelled with them by day and by night." 1?

A gentleman not a hundred miles from Glasgow, was looking through the gate of his policies down tbe turnpike road, and seeing an Irishman pick up a hare, waited until he came up, and said “Put, does that hare belong to you P’’ Jfat looked round and said, “Isit me you’re talking to, sir P” “ Yet. I ask does that hare belong to you P” “ What does the fellow mean P” “ I mean does that hare belong to you P" Said Tat, “by my sowl, sir, do you think I wear a wig P" There is a story told of an attorney’s clerk, who was so subjugated to the mere sot of copying and legal form, that his master told a friend he would draw Up a marriage settlement between Adam aud Eve, keeping the items such as would suit the condition of our first parents, and that the clerk would copy it out and detect nothing unusual ia it. The settlement was drawn up and handed to the clerk to copy. When the clerk was banding the dean draft back to his master, the latter said, “ John, did you notice anything peculiar in that settlement?” "No,” answered the clerk j " but that it seems very binding on the man’ufoide.'' It was at the height of the gale that our only parson came tremblingly on to rhe bridge and in faltering accents implored the eaptain to tell him if there was any real danger. The captain took him forward to the forecastle companion and asked him to listen. The men were playing cards, and their language was not quite what you find in Sunday school books. “Do yon think,” said the captain, *‘ that those men would be going on like that if there was any teal danger?” The parson was satisfied; but half an hour afterwards a figure was observed creeping anxiously for* ward again, and in a few moments was heard to exclaim, •• Thunk heaven, they’re ipgftß|