Wit and Humour.

Western Star, Issue 910, 3 January 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

The roll-call —The baker’s cry, A narrow escape—The alley way. ' Real Quacks —Duoks.H About as broad as it is long.—A circle. A boarding place—-A carpenter’s skip. Best place for reflection.—Before a mirror. The butcher’s melody.—Meat me by; moonlight alone Queen of the bawl room.—The nurse. smacks. Startling railway accident.—A punctual train. From the stook exchange.—The speculator in stocks is always ready to “ bear ” them in mind. A Western editor, speaking of a ocncertsinger, says that her voice is delicious—pure as moonlight and tender as a shirk A man with a ca>st in bis eye—a trout fisherman. “Ma! why is that darkey equivalent to a conundrum?” “I am sure I don’t know, my son.’ “ Because he’s a nig ma. Sat." In Ohio there is one divorce to every seven marriages. The other six pairs are pnibably boarding with their parents. A servant girl who demands seven might#] and Sunday afternoon out every week ought not to be called a “ domestic.” War-cry of the Western girls: “ Let’s smother the hubbub about this Mother Hubbard. We ain't gown to stand it.” It makes a milkman’s wife blush to ask her if her siik dress is watered. The way to succeed—pat the seeds in your mouth and suck them. i> Why do elderly spinsters have a proiiilec* tion.for parrots? Well they have no man about the place, and they want something about that can swear. •••> The better-half of a printer named Beam, has presented him with a baby. A Beam baby must be about a quire. It will probably be ruled when it is older. We should say that a ream baby is a “ token ” of affection, and probably neater a' brass band thiih a quire. An Irishman bn being told that the newly invented stove would just save half the usual fuel, replied, “ Arrah, then, I’ll have two and save it all, my jewel.” How foolish most of our prove rbs ate I For instance, it is said that a 'straw shows which way the wind blows, when everybody knows it is the wind which shows- which W*/ the straw blows. - ■ . . ■ Irj ' , 1 Take a chair opposite a biasing fire. - I’lace your feet on the top bar, or, perhaps, a quicker method is to place them aoroiiiiiaU the bars together. Ia a few minutes your soles will ;bo done thoroughly. ' hT. ill.— ;• (H)eels may be cooked in like manner. 1 ■ An old fellow went to dine at a chop-house, and alter waiting some minutes gruffly asked the waiter—” How long' will my chop liiiT” “ About five inches, sir I” was the prompt reply. Doctor t Have you got the better of the ague yet? Patientt Bo sor. Me and my wife is as bad as ivir, sor. Doctor : Did you get that whiskey and quinine I prescribed for you? Patient i Yes, sor; bat it did no good at all, at all. Doctor < That is'strange. You took it according to the directions, I suppose ? Patient t Yis, sor j ye know a man and his wife are one. Doctor t What has that to da with it ? Patient: Well, ye see, sor, bain.” aa we are one flesh, 1 tuk the whiskey and gave Biddy the quinine. . . “ Well, Mr: Jackson,” said a clergy mail, to his parishioner, “ (Sunday must be a blamed day to you, you work hard six days end lihe seventh you come to church. ■” Yen,” maid Mr Jackson, “ I works hard all the week, and then I cornea to church, sits me dawn, owki up my legs and thinks of nothing.”, < • “ Ace you supporting anybody this yean f" asked Farmer Furrow of Deacon Doogoud. “ Certainly, the same old party, as ussis!,'’ ite* plied the mikWaosd man, What party- P” •• Why, I thought everybody knew. fatherria-kf,of course,” Eulalia (sentimentally)—” 0, no! I hi t* no desire for great wealth. 1 should be happy, very happy,, as the wife-' of a ■ noble bread-winner.” George, (practically) —Audi I should be happy, very happy, as tne husband of a good bread maker. dh« oonoluded In learn. Said Jones» ”We are going to run Blifkiini for J udge tuis fall.” Saul Smith 1 “ Bui kins, what does he know about law ?’■* *5 hTothiag at all. He nevorsaw a law-book. That's the reason we ace going to rim him.. We think that, if he 1* ignorant of law, we may get a little justice." Said a young man to a professor of oheull* istry, at the same time holding up a funguil* looking plant 1 ” Is there any way by wmuh l can positively tell whether this is »tfiashram or a toad-stool f” ” Yes,” answered the Pro* ’feasor.;. “ Eat it. IE it is a mushroom you'l l live j if it’s a toadstool you’U die!” . The latest device of a Paris paper far •!> traoting readers is the engagement of ■ twp eminent physicians to attend gratuitous]/ upon its yearly aubsoribeta. Recently ttuii manager of the . paper notified one of tin physicians “ not to presoribe for X any tnoriij, ms subscription has expired.” The doctor replied, “ So has X.” Hearing a noise at night, Jons* deswnd'li witu a lighted candie, ami discovers a bur.' glwr escaping with a full sack. ” Hallo!” fit cries, ” obme back, you I” ” Eh, what f’’ w* turns the burgular. “Alt, yes,.the iiilrei; candlestick. Permit me.” He takes it Iroaj the hand of the astonished Jones. “ Ten thousand thanks I -Have 1 forgotten anything else. ' ” -V . '

- ■- ■ .y... . •»! Cleveland young women write oomnwnfan on the margins of tlw library novels theyrsad, One emotional creature writes, " Tue pangi of love are grate, i have been there my self. An original plan of physicking is carried OH by a nauve doctor m charge of one ot the civil stations on the Irrawady. Wnen culled upon to attend a patient, be begins to prescribe by giving a list ot the medicines ho tm» in his dispensary, and then asks the patient which he would prefer. A more courteous mode of doctoring could scarcely be imagined. ' ■*' ; f* PLANTATION PHItOaOPHT. ~ . De halthiest lookin’ man is sometimes de soones’ ter die. JDe bigges' trees is de one - whut am aptes’ to be holler. It ain’t no UsO : fur some men ter try ter be great. It don’t: make no difference how much a mouse eats* he neber will be. a rat. . Car’s dis difference botwut men an’ wimin. £r ’oman tries to make her heart show on her face; det man tries to make his mine show on his countenance. .De trouble is dat de ’oman ain’t alius got a heart, au’ do man ain’t alius got V mine. y " JSuohu-JPaiia ’’—Quick, complete cure.; all annoying Kidney, Bladder and Urinary Diseases. At Druggists. Kempth ysm. - (cr, A Go., Agents, Dnnedis*