Facetiæ.

Western Star, Issue 377, 4 September 1880, Page 2 (Supplement)

Facetiæ.

High time.—'STime's up." The Best Illustrated Paper Out.—A banknote.

One Pear Only.—Two darkies were vaunting their courage. " I isn't feard o' nothin', I isn't," said one. " Den, Sam, I reckon you isn't 'feared' to loan me a dollah?" "No, Julius, I isn't 'feared to lend you a dollah, but I does hate to part wid an ole frien' forebber." A Narrow Escape.—A coloured baby fell from an attic window the other day, and the mother tells the story thus: " Dere, dat child was coming down feet fust, wid every chance of being killed, when de Lawd, he turned him over, de chile struck on his head, and dere wasn't so much as a button flew off." One Trial.—" Have you given electricity a trial for your complaint, madam?" asked the minister, as he took tea with the old lady. "{Electricity !" said she. "Well, yes, i I reckon I has. I was struck by lightning last summer and hove out of the window, but it didn't seem to do,me no sort of good." Discount.—A gentleman, recently about to pay his doctor's bill, said, "Well, doctor, my little boy gave the measles to all my neighbour's children, and as they were attended by you, I think you can afford at the very least to deduct ten per cent, from the amount of my : bill for the increase :of business we gave you." , . r v Servant's Character.—Lady : You have not been out to service yet, therefore you have no character.— Applicant: No, mum; but I got three school board certificuts.—Lady: An, well, that is something. Are they for honesty cleanliness or Applicant : No, please, mum; for literatoor, jograffy and free—and drorin'. «,-.n ' ?

A Wilton deacon acting in the place of ran absent pastor, recently read a sermon so long that had there been fifteen .minutes more of it the bell would have had to be rung to wake the congregation for the, benediction, ic-vw To Stanch Blood.—Sweetly sings a nineteenth century poet, "What will heal my bleeding heart?" Lint, man, lint; put' On plenty of lint. Or hold a cold doOr-keyto the back of your neck, press a small*roll Of paper under the end of your lip; and< >" hold your left arm. , This last remedy is to be used only in case your heart,bleeds at the nose, n The Only Appellate Court.—lt seems-to make no differencehow.greata_ manis-; r Jie may even be a'Senator or a Governor, but .if his wife don't like the way he is'dbihgjjsne will tell him of it just about as'sure'.as she would if he was only a coachman or a fisherman. And this is what-they call;htfhian nature. •/ ■' ; ':' *

"Pshaw,'' said Caardine,' as he seated himself in the TiinAs sanctum, -"the 'snake stories that arp. going about are all I too tbii£. Why just lookiere.., Last spring I went' out into the woods, I took along, an, umbreller, which I laid down,onto. some, rocks. Well sir, about ah hour, afterwards I went tp get my umbreller as it had.begun'tb rain a little. I took, holt of the handle, and as I give '.it a shove something begun to fear, arid; a's the umbreller flew opon a live black'shake fell to the ground split in two fr6m its- head,to tail. The confounded critter had actually swallowed my. umbreller, and I never noticed it until I shoved up the dum;thing and .split the cuss open from stem to sterni" leup a They Had Met Before.—An old judge who was an admirer,of the fair entered. a ( railway car, and took a seat by a gorgeously, beautiful woman. She was as mqdest4poking. as beautiful. The judge gave' : her J 'some"'nice peaches, and they became quite chatty.' fast he told her he was tje'rtain they "had hiet before, j but he could not recall- the-plajie where he-had had that pleasure.' 1 She ! Replied, laying aside her blushes, " Oldbustef, you're right; you sent me up f orithirtydaya last year, and have jugged, me I thirteen times !" The Court fled.—4K»eripa/t P s aper. A ludicrous story, is told .of studies in natural' history, seem to Have, been rather limited. The following ckse.came before him one day. Aman who kept a ferret, having to go into the country, left the cage with the ferret in 'charge'of a neighbour till he should return'. J The neighbour < incautiously opened the cage i door ■. and the' ferret escaped. The owner was very angry} &ftd brought a claim, against his neighbour for damages. The following was thedecisionlbf the learned baillie. " Nae d00t,.". he/said.tp the man who had been left in charge,,; 'f - jje was wr&ng to open the cage door; .but,", he added, turning'to "the other,';" ye. was wrang too. For why did ye no; clip the brute's wings ?" ' • " ''\

gate. " : ' " » - .•- i. - j,(J„ ]* "It hasn't'beeh - decided yet." "I say 'tis so." "I say 'tisn't." They walked into' an ho*tel idown street thus talking.- -' -' a wager," said one of them'to the proprietor of , the hotel, "and we .can't settle it now. ; Let us have a. couple.-, of bottles, c/f wine."j "Certainly," ;said ;the boss, ',':makp it. three." "Willing to waitjuntil we decide the bet, ain't yon?." "Oh, Anything you want. 'Have-.the",house if,'yOu want it.'" " We'll fix it up as' soon' as"Ve can decide it." make ybur { minduheasy' about that, I'm satisfied." • The wine was produced and squandered. "What v is the bet? " asked the landlord, after the wine had disappeared.. " Well; Jake, here, t bet that when Trinity Church steeple fell it would fall in Broadway, and I bet that it would topple over into the graveyard and break sixteen or seventeen tombstones. As soon as we find out who wins we'll come' round and pay for the wine." > ; '.'.''. .]■'. %'/? ' A French artist gave his last work to, ;a porter to convey to the Salon.' "Be careful,, be careful," said'he,'"'the picture is'scarcely dry." "'Oh! never mind," exclaimed the porter,-"my clothes are old." ■ The fear of infection/caused "some ; persons, at Memphis to burn all their clothing, and even the prayer-book of a deceased cholera patient was consigned to the flames'; "but 10 dol. bills-found on his person were religiously preserved. -.-. . ■;. ■ ,:...-; :1

Six medical New York experts.examiaed;3 man as to his sanity and were evenly 'divided} After they had wrangled about it for a week it was discovered that they had examined tha wrong person altogether.— Detroit Free Preys; " Make a minute of that duel, Mr. Shearer,',' said the chief to the news editor. " Cfan't, do it," replied the subaltern. "Why not?'*' "Cause there's only two seconds in - it;" - (Verdict of accidental death, caused by sudden increase of salary.) - >;'•• Secretary Sherman-decides that an oyster is not a fish. This is off-fish-al. A. man, and a possible candidate at that, must have, an utter disregard for the consequences whOj. will thus fly in the face of a people's prejudices. •

A _ drunken Scotch parishioner was. admonished by his parson. " I can go into thevillage," concluded the latter, " and cdine home again without getting drunk." " Ah;" meenester, but I'm sae popular ! " was the" fuddled Scotchman's apologetic reply. ••'■" "After all," remarked the young man; skimming lightly over the gravel walk in thei: general direction of the front gate. " after> all, what boots it ? " And muscular-; looking old gentleman at the'top of the porch steps, with his spectacles jostled a little, crooked, said that if the young man himself didn't know, he didn't know any body in; that township that did. • • J ' Why is it that a woman's . heart beats fif- ! teen times less per minute than a man's? 'ls' it because her tongue beats thirty times per minute more 1 . * • ■ ■ ?

Dit it ever occur to you why a lawyer who is conducting a disputed wjll case is like a trapeze performer in a circus 7 Didn't ? -Well, it's because he flies through the heir with the greatest of fees. ',-','