PILGARLIC'S INVESTMENT.

Western Star, Issue 377, 4 September 1880, Page 2 (Supplement)

PILGARLIC'S INVESTMENT.

Miss Matilda Bumber was a maiden lady of an uncertain age, who, in her own words, had received many offers of marriage in her younger days, but not meeting the man of her choice had determined to pass her existence in single blessedness. For five years Miss Bumber had been the owner of a private boarding house, and as the establishment had always been filled during that time, the good lady was in quite a predicament when one morning two of the boarders left. Following the example of Mrs. Bardell, she inserted in her parlour window a sign of "Apartments to Let," which attracted a Pickwick in the person of Absolam Pilgarlic, who " enquired within." Negotiations being effected, Mr. Pilgarlic and his better half, who proved to be a newlymarried couple, soon made themselves quite at home in their new residence.

Time passed, and when Christmas arrived, Absolam found himself in need of a domestic article which his household did not possess, so one day he started out to make the purchase. Entering a store he became slightly embarrassed when a young girl approached and asked him what he wanted. Buying a package of tacks, he withdrew, determined to wait till the proprietor appeared. Passing the store sometime after he perceived that individual behind the counter, and as the shop was empty he entered and enquired the price'of a cradle. The proprietor began to talk business, and recommended the purchase of an entirely new machine, which had been invented by a Kalamazoo nobleman. He informed ouri

friend, Pilgarlic, that it had taken the,first prize at all exhibitions, and was fast gaming favor all over the world. Cetewayo used them, and large numbers were sent daily to Utah. The advantages of the contrivance were numerous : It was a combined cradle and carriage. Having an india-rubber top, the occupant could not be injured by persons falling on it, for they would be shot up m the air at least ten feet, after which the carnage would resume its natural shape. Being composed of small pieces, it could be folded into a very little space and used as a walkingstick. One of .the wheels was furnished with an indicator which would show at a glance whether the hired girl had been wheeling the baby around or spending her time flirting with any young man. Then it was proof against all accidents, for if the baby attempted 'to fall out, a huge claw would quickly grasp it and put it back in the seat. Pilgarlic was delighted, and for £2 became the happy possessor of this wonderful invention. "With the machine safely stored under his arm he started homeward, and had just turned a corner when he suddenly came face to face with some lady acquaintances. Making a very graceful bow he forgot all about his bundle, and, as a consequence, it slipped from under his arm and coming in contact with the sidewalk, opened to its full extent. When the ladies saw it they screamed and hurried away, leaving poor Pilgarlic in a very unsatisfied state of mind. Not wishing to draw a crowd, he attempted to fold up the machine, and had got everything fixed but the strap which fastened on the top. At last he sat on it in order to press it down, and then the india-rubber came into play, for it shot him—like a stone from a catapult—against a second-storey window, where, after breaking several panes of glass, he descended with considerable force to the pavement, and falling on the paper of tacks, he thought a three-horse power galvanic battery had got hold of him. When he had paid the angry landlord for the damaged glass, he once more tackled the cradle, and was congratulating himself on his success, when that terrible claw clutched him in a fiendish, masonic grip by the moustache. It yanked that hair out cleaner than any five-cent barber ever did, and with tears in his eyes Absolam sat down in the gutter andbemoaned his misfortunes. Finally he decided to wheel the machine home, and as it was still early in the evening he meandered through dark and silent streets, so as not to be seen.

it was ten o'clock when he reached his : domicile, and leaving the apparatus on the sidewalk, he quickly rang the bell. Miss Bumber appeared and almost fainted at the spectacle she saw, for Pilgaric looked as if he had fallen down a shot tower. Explaining matters as best he could, he dragged up the cradle, but, shove as he might, it would not enter. Miss Bumber. brought a hatchet to loosen the bolt which held the one side of the door. Pilgarlic, with commendable galI lantry, relieved her of it and set to work. i Being somewhat nervous, he found it difficult ! to hit on the right place,'so put his finger on j the bolt as a guide. The hatchet descended with a terrific force —on his thumb, and with a yell that would have done credit to an : Indian he warrior, propped.the instrument on the toes of, the frightened lady, which act did not in the least increase the serenity of affairs. Straightening himself up, he pre- . pared for another sortie,' when, by a miscalculation, he shattered the large glass over , the door. i All the boarders now appeared on the scene, and seeing what they supposed to be a | most desperate conflict going on in the hall, began to scream fire and murder. In an incredible short space of time three policemen and two fire arrived, and, perceiving Pilgarlic, commenced playing base-ball with him, using their eight clubs for bats.

When matters were explained, search was made for Absolam, and a small bundle of rags were discovered and carefully carried up to his room. For two weeks all the doctors in the neighborhood had a sinecure at the house of Miss Bumber, until one morning Pilgarlic at the breakfast table, looking very much broken up and minus his moustache.

Young Pilgarlic is doing well, and instead of revelling in the luxury of a perambulator, makes the night pass pleasantly by conducting a little concert "of his own which would double discount a baker's dozen of Kilkenny cats. — Banbury News.