A YANKEE SERMON.

Western Star, Issue 347, 1 May 1880, Page 7

A YANKEE SERMON.

My Beloved Bretliering,—l ara a unlarnt Hard-shell Baptist preacher, of whom you’ve hearn afore, and I now appear hear to expound the Scripters and pint out the narrow way which leads from a vain world to the streets of Jaroosalem ; my tex which I shall chose for the occasion is in the leds of the Bible, somewhar between the Second Chronikills and the last chapter of Timothy tit us ; and when you find it, you’ll find in these words : “ And they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wang-doodle mourneth for his first-born.” Now, my brethering, as I have before told you, I am a oneddh ated man, and know nothing about grammar talk and collidge highfalutin, but I am a plane unlarot preacher of the Gospel, what’s been fore-ordained and called to prepare a pervarse generashun for the day of wrath—ah ! “ For they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar.the lion roareth and the wang-doodle raourneth for his first-born ” —ah ! My beloved brethering, the tex says they shall gnaw a file. It does not say they may, hub shall. Now, there is more than one kind of file. There’s the handsaw file, the rat-tail file, the single file, the double file, and profile, but the kind spoken of here isn’t one of them kind uayther, bekaws it’s a figger of speech, and means going it alone and getting ukerod ; “For they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wangdoodle mournoth for his first-born ” —ah ! And no tv there be some here with fine close on thar backs, brass rings on thar fingers, and lard on thar bar, and what goes it while there yung; and thar be others here what, as long as thar constitooshins and forty-eent whisky last, goes it blind. Thar be sisters here what when they gets sixteen years old, cut thar tillar-ropes, and goes it with a rush. But I say, my dear brethering, take care you don’t find, when Gabriel blows his last trump, your bauds played out, and you’ve got ukered—ah ! “ For they shall gnaw a file, and flee into the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wang-doodle monrneth for his first-born,”

Now, my brethering, “They shall flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam;” but thar’s more dams than Hepsidam. Thar’s Rotter-dam, Had-dam, Amster-dam, and “ Don’t-care-a-dam ” —the last of which, my brethering, is the worst of all, and reminds me of a sirk urns tans I oust k no wed in the State of Illenoy. There was a man what built him a mill on the north fork of Agcr Crick, and it was a good mill and ground a sight of grain; but the man what built it was a miserable sinner, and never gave anything to the church ; and, my dear brethering, one night there came a dreadful storm of wind and rain, and the mountains of the great deep was broke, and the waters rushed down and swept that man’s milldam to kingdom cum, and when he woke up he found that he wasn’t worth a dam —ah! “For they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wang-doodle mourneth for his first-born ” —ah ! I hope I don’t hear anybody larfin; do I? Now, “ Whar the lion roareth and the wang-doodle mourneth for his first-born” —ab ! This part of my tex, my beseeching brethering, is not to be taken as it says. It don’t mean the howling wilder ness, whar the John the Hard-shell Baptist fed on locusts and wild asses ; but it means, my brethering, the city of New Orleans, the mother of harlots and hard lots, whar corn is vvnth six bits a bushel one day and r.ary a red the nox; whar niggers are as thick as black bugs in spiled bacon ham, and gamblers, thieves, and pickpockets goes skiting about the streets like weasels in a barn-yard ; whar honest men are scarcer than hens’ teeth, and whar a strange woman once took in your beloved teacher, and bamboozled him out of two hundred and twenty-seven dollars in .the twinkling of a sheep ? s tail; but she can’t do it again. Hallelujah ah ! “ For they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wangdoodle mourneth for his first-born” — ah 1 My brethering, I am the captain of that flat boat yon see tied up thar, and have got aboard of her flour, bacon, tatters, and as good Monongahela whisky as ever was drunk, and am mighty apt to get a big price for them all; but what, my dear brethering, would it all be wuth if *1 hadn’t got religion P Thar’s nothing like religion, my brethering ; its better nor silver or gold gimcracks; and you can no more get to heaven without it than a jay-bird can fly without a tail —all! Thank the Lord! I’m an oueddicated man, my brethering, but I’ve searched the Scripter* from Han to Bcersheba, and found - Zion right side up, and hard-

shell religion the best kind of religion—ab ! ’Tis not like the Methodists, what specks to get to heaven by hollerin’ hellfire; nor like the Uuiversalists that get on the broad guage and goes the hull-hog —ah ; nor like the Tewnited Brethering, that takes each other by the slack of tbar breeches and hiats themselves in ; nor like the Katerliks, that buys threw tickets from thar priests ; but it may be likened unto a man what has to cross the river—ah ! —and the ferry-boat was gone, so he tucked up his breeches and waded across —ah I “ For they shall gnaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth and the wangdoodle raourneth for his first-born !” Pass the hat, Brother Flint, and let every Hard-shell Baptist shell out.